E - Everyone

The Morning Cycle

It was cold outside, making the warmth of her blankets and the thought of just sleeping in and ignoring all of her responsibilities all that more enticing. They were tedious when she thought about them with a brain that was only half awake. But she had to get up. While every fiber in her body was against it, logic told her the consequences for not being up and ready on time wasn't worth an extra few minutes of sleep.

With that thought in mind, she forced herself up and out of her heated bundle, pale feet hesitantly pressing to the cold, porcelain flooring. Once her weight was off the mattress, a long ring resonated off the pure white walls. A compartment slid open in the wall and her bed was dragged into the dark space. She sighed as she watched the bed go and she found herself already longing for the day to end now so she could sleep again.

Her attention was pulled to the door. It hissed loudly as the pressure was released, and it swung inward. She stared through the now open doorway, out into the orderly lines being formed in the hallway outside it. A man clad in black leaned into view. "London Ryce," He barked. "Grab your clothes and let's go."

She glanced at a chair beside the door. A neatly folded outfit lay there, obviously the clothes the guardsman had been referring to. Stepping forward, she scooped the outfit up and hugged it to her chest. She was ushered from the room and out, into one of the lines. She tripped as she stepped into her designated queue, and her shoulder hit against another civilian's back. There was no response. No flinch, no turn of his head to see who had hit him. Nothing.

With yet another sigh, something she'd found herself doing quite often as of late, she straightened her back, lifted her chin and looked forward, the procedure stance. Bad posture was frowned upon and corrected, something she'd found out the hard way. Proof being the whipping scars on her back.

"Get a move on!" One of the guardsmen shouted, setting everything in motion. The lines marched forward, being guided like sheep, an eerily appropriate comparison. Another day in paradise.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
rissymay
Comment

I really like this, and I'm interested in this setting you've created. You should write more! Please! :D Nothing bad to say about this.
-rissymay

Thank you, I'm really glad you like it. I'm hoping I'll be able to get more up sometime soon!

cool! could you remind me when it's up so I can read it? :D

User avatar
Firelight
Comment

Wow! Great story! Cant wait for more!

I'm glad you liked it!

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MissGangamash
Review

I really enjoyed this. It was short but enticing and I would love to read more. The procedure the main character is going through sounds very obscure but seems the norm for her which just intrigues me more. Where is she? Who is she? What is she waking up for?

The could totally hear the bored sarcasm in the phrase, 'Another day in paradise,' and I really wanna know what that obvious not-paradise place is! The title gives away nothing!

If you haven't caught on already...I'd like to be kept updated when you continue :P

Great work!

Should I change the title to give more of a hint on what's going on?

I'm glad you like it. XD I'll make sure to add more and let you know when I do. Thank you for the comment and review!

It's up to you about the title :) It is rather vague but I didn't know if that was intentional or not.

I think I'll probably keep it. It fits, and I can't really think of an alternate title. XD Bittersweet vagueness is what I am going to stick with.

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IcyFlame
Review

Hey there :)
I'm going to apologise first off because I've not written a review in forever and it could take me a while to get back into the swing of things so please do bear with me!
Just a quick comment on your formatting which isn't really a big issue here, but it might benefit from all being in the same style as the first paragraph is different from the others. I'm assuming this wasn't intentional because I can't see a benefit to it so I'd just edit that.

So she forced herself up and out of her heated bundle, pale feet hesitantly pressing to the cold, porcelain flooring.

This is probably a personal thing, but I don't like starting a new sentence (much less a new paragraph) with the word 'so'. I don't really feel it fits correctly, maybe play around with different structures of the sentence?

An opening slide open in the

I think you mean 'opened' here :) Also, be aware of the fact you've used the same verb twice, maybe eliminate the first or change the second to something else?

I'm no expert on speech but I think this line should be written like this - just swapped your comma for the period.
"London Ryce," He barked. "Grab your clothes and let's go."


There was no response; no flinch, no turn of his head to see who had hit him.

I feel like the semi colon doesn't fit here because the second part isn't a complete sentence on its own.

This whole thing is an interesting concept, if a little short - I'd like to see where you go with it :)

Yes, format irked me. -__- But I'm uploading from a Kindle and it doesn't want to fix it, so I'm just going to fix that when I get home and on a computer.

Would it sound alright to just eliminate the "So" entirely? Or maybe change the sentence to, "With that thought in mind, she forced herself up,". I like the latter. I think that's what I'll go with. (Just typing my mind out helps me decide things, sorry. Heh)

As for the "opening" thing, I didn't like that I used it twice but my mind went blank and I couldn't think of anything else so just was like "Screw it." XD I think I'm going to go back and just revise that entire part.

I'm really, really bad with punctuation, especially semicolons. So being told where they belong and where they don't is very helpful. So thank you for that. I'll make sure to go over this and fix things according to what you pointed out.

I don't know where I'm going with it. XD I was just bored, and feel a little confined. And so this got puked out onto a page because of it.

Thank you very much for the review, it was helpful!



My life, my loves, where are they now?
— Richard Linklater