Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
It wasn’t often Alice awoke in unfamiliar surroundings. He was used to seeing his ceiling, rolling over to see his clock, then throwing his blankets away to get out of his bed and let his feet touch the cool flooring of his bedroom.
Waking up to a stranger ceiling that was higher than he could reach- higher than two of him could reach while standing on the other’s shoulder -a stench much unlike his normal expectations and a cold ground, while similar to the basement floor in the room he slept, he noticed the nuance.
Moving into an upright position, he glanced around. Finding himself in strange places, not being able to remember when or how he got there. It was something he abhorred. He was just happy it wasn’t something that happened often. He was in some kind of… sewer tunnel? If he were honest with himself, he hadn’t ever found himself in stranger places than this…
Alice turned his head and yelped, the noise muffled by a small hand covering his mouth. A girl crouched beside him, long black hair cascading over her shoulders in waves, large green eyes staring at him with intense concentration. She raised a finger to her lips, the universal sign for silence. Slowly, the hand over Alice’s mouth dropped back to the girl’s side. She stood up, gestured for him to do the same, then ran off.
He had two choices here; he could follow, or he could try to find his own way out of here on his own. Both sounded like idiot choices, but the former seemed less idiot than the latter… Getting to his feet, he stumbled after her like the blunderbuss he was. She was a lot faster than him, and it didn’t take her long to realize this. She slowed considerably until she came to a full stop. He opened his mouth, but that finger came back to her lips, demanding he stay quiet. He obeyed, closing his mouth again.
Her finger pointed upward and his eyes followed the direction of her fingertip. Above them was a ladder, out of reach for the both of them. She made some more gestures that were too abstruse for Alice. With a quiet groan of what could only be defined as frustration, the short girl hoisted herself onto his back and climbed onto his shoulders, pushing herself off to grip the ladder and pull herself up, disappearing out of the hatch at the top.
He was alone again. Nothing but a placid silence accompanied his person. He stared blankly where she had gone. “Well then.” He glanced around, contemplating what to do next. Now that he got a better look around, this place was practically a labyrinth; dirty with a plethora amount of tunnels that lead who knew where, ladders too far up to reach leading into similar hatches at the tall ceiling. A loud clanking sound came from above, resonating through the stone walled tunnel. He looked up to see the ladder plummeting towards his face.
It connected with his head painfully and he crumbled to the ground.
“Dammit, Iris.” Someone snapped, a male voice, followed by muffled noises then a girl’s voice,
“How was I supposed to know he’d be standing there?”
“You could have looked.”
Alice moaned, trying to make sense of what was happening. He opened his eyes, but he could hardly see straight, figures and shapes billowing above him. With another moan, he squeezed his eyes shut again, the pain of the blow making him cringe and making his senses lackluster.
“Shoot, he’s awake.” The man muttered. Pain shot through his cranium once more as something connected with his forehead, and consciousness escaped him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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This story sounds interesting. The dialogue flows and you describe the surroundings well. It's interesting to read Alice as being a boys name.
I was able to picture the scene perfectly. Nice.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! There's a lot of editing to be done still, (I've been having multiple groups of people help me) but thanks for the input!
I have to agree with jazzy you flesh out the environment very well and I honestly only have one complaint and it isn't even that bad I Promise but at the start the first paragraph:
"It wasn't often Alice awoke in unfamiliar surroundings. He was used to seeing his ceiling, rolling over to see his clock, then throwing his blankets away to get out of his bed and let his feet touch the cool flooring of his bedroom."
You have four areas where you use his in rapid succession. Hopefully after the first one the reader will release he is talking about the room he usually sleeps in maybe try:
"It wasn't often Alice woke in unfamiliar surroundings. He was used to seeing his ceiling, rolling over to see the time illuminating the room. After throwing off the blankets to get out of bed and allowing his feet to touch the cool floor."
Maybe something like that? Or not like mine at all. I just feel like his is really over used in this paragraph and I feel almost tired after reading it. So maybe look at it and rethink it and if you don't see a problem don't change it. Besides that I enjoy and can't wait to see what comes from this beginning.
Hmm. I didn't really think about that, actually. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll change it when I go over this and edit again!
Thanks for the advice, and for the review!
Hello! I'll just review as I go, tell you my thoughts and all that.
First of all. I feel kind of mean. I pictured your main character as a girl. So I'm very sorry to Mr Alice, over there. It is a female name though, right? So did you do that on purpose, like Peeta in The Hunger Games? Well, I guess I'll find out...
I liked your the way you described how Alice felt about his surroundings. I imagine him thinking: Here we go again!
It sounds better to go with a singular here. So... 'in a stranger place than this'.
There's nothing else wrong with it, was able to imagine the scene perfectly so that means you wrote it well. I found the last part especially funny when the man knocks him out again. Good job.
Alice is a girl's name, yes, but Alice is indeed male.
Alice is actually the protagonist of another story. This is something random I'm writing for a contest on another website. The reason for his name being Alice is his parents are really big Alice Cooper fans. And when they had a son, and their last name happened to be Cooper, they snagged the opportunity. XD
Thank you for that advice!! I felt that that sentence sounded really weird, but I didn't know how to fix it! So thank you very much for that.
I appreciate your help, and your review! And I'm glad you enjoyed it, as well as found the last part amusing, as it was meant to be so. I have a habit of trying to make grim situations humorous. Heh.
Haha you're welcome!