Young Writers Society

Hey, icannothearthings! A fellow Salsa member

Firstly, I have to ask: does the script not go on after page 6? I was sure my Google Drive was being silly, because it didn't feel like the ending. I'm going to feel horrible if I just assume that was the ending if it actually isn't!

However, I hope you bear with me when I'm going to review this like it ends on Page 6 after Raina's mum says "I'll send the invitations" and Raina says "Sure", because that's as much as I can speak for.

With that said, I wasn't really sure what the actual story was. There were lots of little moments - the scout meeting, the accident, the school class, the car drive - but none of it seemed too connected. If the point of the story was for Raina to have her teeth knocked out, I wasn't sure why suddenly she was alright again and the cast was taken off like nothing had happened

I was also interested in whether this is a film or a play script and how old the characters are. The fact that Raina started "bawling" after the accident and that the girls were chattering and asking her about it made them seem much younger than when Raina talks about liking a teenage boy? It was just a bit confusing to me. Perhaps before the actual script begins, you could add a page with all the characters needed (like it's often done anyway) and their ages or something to give the reader a bit of a headstart.

One thing that I really liked was the bit in the class were the girls were hustling around Raina trying to find out about the accident. Even though none of the other girls really stood out as their own character, you captured that sort of atmosphere very well. And the end of the scene when the girl asks "That's it?" was very funny! I think that was your strongest scene.

I'm not really used to reading scripts, so hopefully I could still make some sense!


Demeter
x

Hello, icannothearthings! Night for a short review.

I enjoyed this. Is it based off of something or an original work? I thought it was based off of something but I'm not sure what because what you wrote at the beginning confused me. I connected the situation of a girl being made fun of for something as shallow as teeth. When I was younger I knocked out my two front teeth, and couldn't eat things forever. It was horrid, so I can connect with your character.
However, despite an interesting plot, I felt you could have added a lot to the script. The characters felt pretty shallow. Even if you are re-narrating an already-written scene, you could add some more flare to make it more interesting or demonstrate what you want the actors to do in the actual play. For example, when she looks in the mirror and sees the teeth cast, she could gasp, stare harder, shriek, just gape in horror, anything that gives her more depth. It would make the script more interesting, but perhaps you don't want to do that because those character embellishments are usually the director's decisions. I also think this script would make a perfectly fine story, that is, if it isn't based off a story. I really need to know what it is based off of to make a better review, sorry.

I also think that there are too many cuts and not enough meat to the story. I feel like if this is for a short movie or a trailer, there should be more talking and action for character development so it's not all fades and cuts. Just my opinion.

Overall, great job with a well functioning script, and a reasonable backbone for a good story. Hope I helped improve this some, and great job!

Keep writing and being amazing!

~NC