Young Writers Society

Hey, Sylar! cleverclogs here to review!

This was really nice. I liked the sentimentality of it, and I also got a bit of a bittersweet vibe from it. There are really only two things for me to critique:

1. Punctuation. I know this is a song, and so the singer will sing it however the melody goes, but we as readers still like to see punctuation. It makes it more complete in our minds. ChocolateCello touched on this with that one line, but I'd like you to take that several steps further and punctuate the poem wherever it's appropriate. Just don't let it degrade into comma confetti, because that's no fun.

2. This doesn't feel like a song to me. It's more like a poem than anything. The definition of "song" is definitely fluid, but to me, a song needs to have a chorus that repeats a few times. It's what makes it catchy. So I'd recommend adding some sort of chorus, and putting this more into the structure of a song.

3. Okay, I guess there were three things to critique. This would be cool if you split it up into stanzas and whatnot. You can bring the lines closer together by hitting "shift" with "enter" when you go to make a new line in the publisher, and then you can split it up. I think it would look better that way.

Overall, this is a really great poem, but that's its main problem. It needs to be more of a song, in my opinion. Keep up the awesome work!

Hey! ChocolateCello here! Happy review day!

I really liked this, it was a good story and (Even though I read it as a poem oppose to a song) the flow all worked out nicely.

Punctuation on the second to last line would be nice though.

Turn it off roll the credits

One thing I'm always interested in knowing when I read lyrics posted on YWS is what kind of beat, what kind of music goes behind it, the chords or melody, or maybe a sample. I wish we had a way to communicate these things universally outside of performance videos and audio recordings.

That said, if you have chords in mind for how this goes, I'd love to see them so I can get an idea for the melody.

As far as the lyrics themselves go, the biggest issue is the occasional forced or cliche rhyme. The one that sticks out the most is tears/fears. That's just been done to death ever since Evanescence hit the top 100 with My Immortal. Likely even before then, but still. That's what I always get thrown back to when I see THAT particular rhyme.

Otherwise, you have a solid thing going on here. There's an evolution of plot, there's a feeling of nostalgia and appreciation of the graduation of life and all our experiences--and even though there's a little disconnect between movies and stage performances (a la curtains) to me, it all ties together well.

All-in-all, I get a sort of All Time Low vibe from this. I'd love to know your thoughts. >:]

Peace,
Ty

Hi I'm Ty7lucky I'm new. I liked your song and how you referred to life as a movie. The idea of friends becoming a couple was nice. And I liked how you had repetitive phrases, some songs I've heard don't have lines repeat. Thank you for reading. Ty7lucky.