Today, she was going to go back. Now, hiding out underground, the super-villain Midas was going back to her old home, the Sci-Tec lab. It had been four years ago that she had escaped from the scientists testing on her, when she began her life of crime on the run. An assassin, she killed for money. All she needed was a touch. “Poisonous sensors,” she would tell her clients, “If I can touch them, I can kill them.” Midas was coming back to kill the scientists.
Earlier that day, she had hijacked a helicopter and flew it to the Sci-Tec lab headquarters. Midas hoped that this affair was most certainly clandestine (she had told a few untrusting friends). Making her way out of the helicopter, she skidded across the tall grass and used a special device to cut open a window. Inside, she tip-toed through the dark hallways. “I remember this place,” she mumbled, memories of being dragged across the chrome corridors, “I remember it all. It must be avenged.”
Midas knew the sleeping quarters of the full-time scientists was in the left wing, on the other side of the building. “Ugh,” she whispered. It was so long away! Slowly, she sauntered down the chrome hallways, her hands ready for attack. There was a creaking in the nearest lab. Suddenly, Scarlett-Shifter appeared! We grew up in the lab together, being created for different projects. All she believes in is, “Good for the whole lab, not just herself.” Midas never liked her.
“Midas? What’re you doing here?” Scarlett whispered. “I thought you were never coming back!” Midas grinned at Scarlett, who looked a bit too afraid of an old classmate.
“I came into some money, Scarlett. I just decided to add some revenge to the mix. Now, let me through!” Midas screamed. Scarlett couldn’t take anymore more, so she charged into Midas as a raging bull. Midas dodged but wasn’t able to get her fingers to close for a killing. Midas ran at Scarlett, but Scarlett flipped over her cold companion. They fought hard at each other, but Midas was losing hope. She was not enough to beat the famous Scarlett-Shifter. Scarlett turned into a clone of Midas, tied up, her hands gone, her arms pale and bloodied. “You see this!” Scarlett screeched in Midas’ voice. “This is what you’re going to become if you don’t stop. Just give it up!” She morphed back into her true form. Midas didn’t buy it.
“You will never win!” Midas bellowed as she was tied up by Scarlett. “I’m sorry Midas, but no good will ever come from you.” Scarlett murmured as she morphed into a knife and cut her hands off. “I’m sorry Midas.”
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Guess I feel kind of obliged to review.
"Midas was coming back to kill the scientists." This sentence felt very anticlimactic. Leave it up to us to assume, or add it in some mysterious way. Just don't say it outright.
"It was so long away!" This would be used for something like time. "It was so far away!" Would probably be better for this.
The end of the fourth and beginning of the fifth paragraph really make no sense. So Scarlett is afraid of Midas, kind of makes sense. Why is she "a bit too afraid?" if Midas said she was never coming back, she probably left because she hated the place. Scarlett has every reason to assume that Midas isn't coming back with a tray of cookies for everyone to share. Then I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the beginning of the fifth paragraph. So Midas got money, ok. If Scarlett stayed, why does Midas think that she would be willing to open the door and let her kill everyone? And I figured out that Scarlett shape-shifted herself into a bull, but you never actually say that she's a shape-shifter. You say shifter, but that's not very specific.
When Scarlett morphs herself into a knife, who is holding her? Maybe she should just morph her HAND into a knife...
I understood this because I read your screenplay, but someone who didn't would have absolutely no idea what is going on. A little explanation would probably be a good idea.
Anywho, good story! You should make this into a little sequel-thing to the one about the lion!
Thanks! And I'm changing the lion guy into Midas. I've been thinking a lot about Superhuman Theories. I'll make sure to get in your revisions when I can.
Welcome! Yeah, that's probably a good idea. This chick is a better villain than an evil lion bus driver.
Welcome! Yeah, that's probably a good idea. This chick is a better villain than an evil lion bus driver.
Welcome! Yeah, that's probably a good idea. This chick is a better villain than an evil lion bus driver.
YUSSSS
WHOA WHY DID IT SUBMIT THREE TIMES WHAAAAAT
IDKKKKKK
DO YOU LIKE WRITE PROSE NOW WHAAAAAAAT
Nice starter sentence. Short, simple, sweet, and prompts questioning by the reader. :3
Great basis for action description. :3Interesting idea of how to incorporate 'the Midas touch' with her ability.
Nice word 'clandestine', but you misused it here. The definition was correct, but you used it as a noun in its adjective form. Alter the form to make it a noun.
Wicked! That must've been an interesting image to behold and what a twisted mind Scarlett has!
Here are some suggestions/corrections:
'Now' hinders the sentence and seems superfluous. Redundancy from first sentence with 'going back'.
There's a lot of words here that are unnecessary and slow down the reading pace.
These are all giving the same information. The first sentence alone is a word and its definition. I like the quoted portion. This portion also needs a transition. I would suggest replacing the first two sentence with that and leaving the quote.
There's a logical flaw here. You just said she hoped this was kept secret, then had her admit she had told a few 'untrusting' friends. Therefore, how did she expect this to remain a secret when she knew otherwise?
I loved that you included he remembering this. But it would be nice if you could give more specific things to trigger her memories. Those specific things, without giving much background, alone can tell us much about your character and her past.
'Sleeping quarters' is plural. Use 'were'.
'Long' misused here. Would suggest 'far'.
Use 'creak'. Don't conjugate verbs without a subject.\
You story is in third person and you swapped to Midas' POV here. Make this italics to she them as her thoughts.
'Couldn't take' what?
I would suggest embellishing these transformations, because I originally read this as a metaphor.
Also, it would be nice if you could expand a bit more of the action to get the adrenaline running. You have multiple moments to do so, such as the plane ride, her opinion of returning to a lab to annihilate scientists she's familiar with, exploring the head quarters.
Otherwise, interesting ideas here. Loved the ending. You could definitely expand on this past a short-story. ;D
Thanks so much! I'll write in all of these revisions as soon as I can, and if you were wondering, I'm writing a miniseries focusing on the childhood and then adulthood relationship of Midas and Scarlett-Shifter.