The gallows

ladida..oh hello there.
So I just read this really great short story by you and I thought I would tell you how super I thought it was.

Honestly I really enjoyed this.

You used a lot of good language, sayings and such from back then. I could really get a good image in my head of what was going on.

It wasn't over written or underwritten. Honestly its one of the better bits of writing I have read in a while on here. I quite enjoyed it.

So yes, very good... keep it up!

Thanks! It was going to be the same Ellima but then I thought of a better storyline! I should change the name really... XD


Thanks for the comments!

You know what this story reminds me of? Pirates of the Carribean 3rd movie beggining.It also begins with those people going to the gallows.

So,these should be fixed,

She shivered in her thin rags, her heart beating loudly in her ears.

Ellima Neptunia Greenhold

“She’s sitting by the apple tree; she’s lying in the orchard,
She’s a little Autumn lady, dancing in the wind.
Golden branches, sunset leaves,
The little Autumn lady, watching over me.
But look out for the Darkest one,
Hiding in the shadows, she’s lurking in the night,
Waiting by the gallows,
She’ll wait until your dying day
To steal away your soul…”

Thank you so so so so much!
That was really helpful!
Thanks Kitty 15 for being wonderful and fomatting it for me!
Charlotte

I like this. There's a lot of emotion in this story, your description is nice and it's a brilliant opening. I'd love to see where you go with this and if you'll bare with my few minor suggestions first, I'll give you an idea of how to format it...

She remembered seeing the people cart the throne out for her, so the Queen would have a good view [s]for[/s] of the execution.

Her nose was running but she didn't care anymore. [I'd rephrase this to '...but she no longer cared.' I'm not sure why though...]

"Murderer's [No apostrophe here.] don't deserve a last word!"

__________________

Here's how I'd format this. Basically, split it into paragraphs -

The guard carried the struggling girl up the stairs and placed her on top of a barrel. Propping her up, the guard shoved her head through the noose and checked the rope was secure. She shivered in her thin rags, her heart beating loudly in her ears. The girl flinched as she pricked her feet on the nails sticking out of the barrel. She imagined someone had hammered them in purposely, just to cause her more torment. A row of soldiers, played snare drums to the left of her. A slow, ominous, dirge that rung in her ears. Thunder echoed the drum beats that rolled through the main square, as raindrops continued the rhythm.

The ten year old cried and attempted to escape from the iron shackles, that cut into her already battered arms. The guards ignored her sobs and tears and struck her over the head several times, jeering as she screamed with agony.
"Shut up, you whore."
She whimpered, turning away from him. But more abuse came from the people facing her, in the form of flying rotten fruit and taunts.
"Traitor!"
"Demon!"
She began to breathe [Ah, missed this one earlier...] heavily as panic overtook her. The girl's knees knocked, as she trembled with fear. Grim thoughts crept through her troubled mind. My neck is going to break. I'll be dead. Buried. Dug up by wolves. She felt she would go mad with fear.

The girl looked out onto the horizon, at the most prominent spectator, the Queen, who was draped in diamonds. She sat on a throne, being served wine by a servant. She remembered seeing the people cart the throne out for her, so the Queen would have a good view for the execution.
Suddenly the crowd hushed, as a stout man took his place on the gallows, hidden by a black cloak. Then, attempting to speak over the crowd, he pulled out a piece of tattered parchment.
“Ellima Neptunia Greenhold, you are charged with treason against Queen Sophia II and the murder of Fuschia Greenhold, for which the penalty is death by hanging.”
Ellima wriggled her shackled hands and wept. Her nose was running but she didn't care anymore.

“Please don’t kill me! I’m innocent.”
The executioner chuckled. “Sure, little one. They all say that. But there's no denying this charge."
He reached over to pull the lever.
“Wait!” She screamed. “D-don’t I get any last words?”
The executioner sighed. “Aye, it’s true. All criminals are permitted a last word. Written in the Tinsonata Constitution, it is.”
The crowd booed at this.
"Murderer's don't deserve a last word!" Shrieked one woman.
Ellima cowered at the word 'murderer'.

"My dear Fuschia.." she whispered.
The executioner scratched his head through his hood.
“What tomfoolery is this? Say your line and be on with it!”
Ellima couldn't speak.
Meanwhile, the crowd began to grow restless and called out for them to hurry up. The executioner dismissed their demands and nodded again at Ellima.
“Is that all you have to say? No? You have one last chance and then… Aye, we will proceed with the sentence.”
Ellima remembered the song her sister used to sing to her, before it all happened. Several more tears fell. She could still hear Fuchsia’s sweet voice whispering the words as they huddled together.

“She’s sitting by the apple tree; she’s lying in the orchard,
She’s a little Autumn lady, dancing in the wind.
Golden branches, sunset leaves,
The little Autumn lady, watching over me.
But look out for the Darkest one,
Hiding in the shadows, she’s lurking in the night,
Waiting by the gallows,
She’ll wait until your dying day
To steal away your soul…”
The beautiful voice didn't’t belong to Fuchsia. It was a couple of seconds before Ellima realized that the song had come from her own lips. She wondered why she had never been able to sing like that before, but her thoughts were interrupted by the cold touch of wind on her skin.
The nooses that hung next to her swayed and she felt herself being blown sideways. The barrel beneath her shook violently.

The Queen stuck up her nose and demanded for them to carry on.
“It’s no good,” said the executioner, shaking his head at the Queen. “We can’t hang her in this weather; it won’t work right. We need a calm sky. The rain is muddling up the inner-workings, you see?"
“Are you refusing to follow my orders, Mr. Jenkins? You!” She called, pointing at another soldier. “Take him to the dungeons. No one is leaving until justice has been done!”
The soldiers dragged the executioner away, kicking and shouting, while the queen rose to her feet and addressed the crowd.
“She has cast a spell on the sky! The lullaby she sung was nothing but a curse, an enchantment. Witchcraft! She is a witch!”
The crowd muttered their approval.
“She’s right,” said one woman, “We ought to burn her at the stake.”
“Throw her in the river and see if she floats!” said another.
With a cheer from the crowds, Ellima was led off the platform. The guards pulled her in front of the procession of people and waited for the Queen to follow. Then they marched down the long road to The River June.

Thanks!
But i still have no ideea how to format it. i am terrible at paragraphs! if someone could show me it would be great!
charlotte

I must admit, I really did like this. Although what the others say about spacing and stuff was admittedly true, I enjoyed reading the story and some of your descriptions were really lovely. Your writing seemed to flow fairly well and was easy for me to read. Usually if I see something spaced like yours was, I'll just give up on it from the getgo, but your story did keep me reading.

I will definitely continue to read this as you post.

and signalled to the band to start the drum roll.

Thank you everyone especially Pushca for the very informative review. That will help me a lot.
Thanks again!
Charlotte

Yep. Space between the paragraphs. It makes everything much easier to read.
Describe some more. This was so rushed. Some more description would improve it so much more.
Good work though.

Like the others said, spaces between paragraphs is a must. It makes thing smuch easier to read and makes critiqing a lot easier as it is easier to see what you're dissecting.

Ya- the thing about Puscha said about the format, I think it's like a rule here or whatever. Anyway, it definitely makes reading easier.

Slotting her head through the noose

Slotting? I'm not sure if that's the right word right there, but I'm pretty sure that it's not.

frozen raindrops continued the rhythm.

Frozen raindrops would be more like hail or something right? (Hey, I live in Florida I don't know the technical term for it!! lol)

The pacing in this story was a little too fast, I think, and the characters a little underdeveloped. We felt nothing that the character felt, so we kind of stayed as though we were just looking on as this happened. We might have felt bad for her having to hang, but however awful it was didn't sink in.

Like Puscha said, more show and less tell. Do that and I definitely think this will be even more awesome, it definitely has some potential!! Good job

In the future, make sure you've formatted it properly - with spaces in between paragraphs.

Swottielottie wrote:signalled

The guards carried her limp body up the gallows and placed her on top of a barrel. [/quotes]

It doesn't seem quite right that it would take more than one guard to carry a 10-year-old girl up some stairs, but hey, maybe. Also: maybe it would be niftier to not come out and say that it's a gallows?

Slotting her head through the noose, they stripped her of her belongings

They wouldn't have done this before? Anyway, this could be a time to slow down and show what she's feeling, how her palms are sweating, her heart pounding... that's how I'd feel, and we don't really get a sense of fear during this.

and signalled to the band to start the drum roll.

Upon rereading, I raise an eyebrow, but I didn't the first time through. Take as you will.

Thunder echoed the drum beats that rolled through the main square

I like it.

The ten year old cried and attempted to escape from the iron shackles, that cut into her already injured arms.

This has some grammatical issues. Putting those aside, this is defintely a time for some show and not a lot of tell.

Also: Why is she just trying to escape now, but was limp before?

The guards ignored her sobs and tears and struck her over the head several times, jeering as she screamed with agony.

That's lovely. Really lovely.

It also doesn't make sense.

How many people are really that sadistic? To a ten-year-old girl, no less. If you're going to have this, you have to have a damn good reason why.

The girl looked out onto the horizon, glaring at the most prominent spectator, the Queen, who was draped in diamonds. The Queen sat on a gilt throne, wearing the finest embroidered silk and was being served wine by a servant.

If I were about to die, I wouldn't have it in me to glare. Then again, I'm not the most brave of heart. And it's raining, so it's not that all those diamonds are reflecting the light.

Also: I pictured this as being out in the open. Did they cart out a gilt throne for her to sit on? I'd really like to see some more description throughout the whole thing, like how bloody uncomfortable the barrel is. Well, I can't imagine it'd be like a poufy armchair.

Also: If you're looking out to the horizon to see someone, you're probably not close enough to see what quality silk they're wearing.

Holding a tattered parchment, the executioner took his place on the platform and read from the scroll.
“Ellima Neptunia Greenhold, you are charged with treason against Queen Sophia II, for which the penalty is death by hanging.”

Does he have to fight the crowd to be heard?

Ellima wriggled her shackled hands and wept.

Again, I'd like a bit more description here, about how her nose is running, for instance.

“She’s sitting by the apple tree; she’s lying in the orchard,
She’s a little Autumn lady, dancing in the wind.
Golden branches, sunset leaves,
The little Autumn lady, watching over me.
But look out for the Darkest one,
Hiding in the shadows, she’s lurking in the night,
Waiting by the gallows,
She’ll wait until your dying day
To steal away your soul…”

I like it.

The barrel beneath her shook violently. The Queen stuck up her nose and asked for them to carry on.

Seems like she's demand it to me.

“It’s no good,” said the executioner, shaking his head at the Queen. “We can’t hang her in this weather; it won’t work right. We need a calm sky. I can‘t do it.”

Why not?

The guards dragged her in front of the procession of people, waited for the Queen to follow and walked down the long road to The River June.