I am the Tornado

Nice poem but there are two things i would like to point out.

good and bad

A spinning column
of air - I
became

That poem was really cool. The tornado came down and threw around some screaming people> . Then all of a sudden the funnel cloud broke and... DEATH. I would never have the patience to draw all that in words and have it still make sense!

Swottielottie wrote:_ I don't think that you should explain what a tornado is, but explain more of what the story is behind the tornado, personify,to make it like a human, with human emotions. I started off as heaps of air; hot anger
_ and cold dreams, good and bad

Floating gently in the sky
watching the town below.

Then one day I split
up and down- then
whirled around.

A spinning column
of air - I
became
until about here, it really didn't have a rythym to it, but it made sense
Calm and
goodness
trapped
inside, I would make this two stanzas, 'calm' to 'inside,' and 'a hurling' to 'destruction.'
a hurling
mass
of
destruction.

A horrid
addiction rose
from within,
to crush
and kill
and blow away
all who lay
in my path.

Whirling,
spinning,
flying
across and
through
the roads
and houses-
some times it's better, i think, not to go into so much detail, but to instead just hint at what's going on below, instead of roads and houses...
then

my
strength
drains,
clouds
disperse,
air
slows;

a
last
breath
of wind
then
D
eI love the ending, I thought it was great, but i think 'Death'fits better.
a
d.

Good poem. I'm not sure whether I can add anything that anyone else here hasn't already said so I won't try.

I like the shape poem idea you used and I think the words do capture the idea of a tornado very well.


k

Ok, thanks I'll change it but..... as you can see poems aren't really my thing.

Sorry to critique again....it's just that I returned to this poem and I thought, "Oooooh, where do I remember this from?" And then I saw my critique.

Whcih brings me to this: The Title is not memorable. At All. Change it, maybe into something like "I am the Tornado", or "Tornado Dead", etc. Just a helpful advice.

it is a nice poem. I thought you were a little to direct. It's good to use metaphors and such to make the reader look past the words. You want it to mean more than just it's face value.

Maybe try and use emotionaly content to symbolize the swirling air, Like hot anger, depressed cold.

I really liked this poem; very descriptive and I loved that you made it into a "shape poem".

However, I would center the poem so that it looks more like a tornado...

Otherwise, the poem was excellent.

Love the line,
"a
last
breath
of wind
then
D
e
a
d."

Nice work!

I enjoyed it quite a lot. You described what a tornado is like quite well (I watch the Weather Channel for pleasure, so I've seen a lot of footage). Wiggy has a point, though. It is a sort of description rather than emotional poem (which is fine, because a poem can be whatever a writer wants it to be), and it has potential to be even better if you delve into the feelings of the tornado. What does a tornado actually feel as it's forming, as it's destroying, as it's dying? My advice to you- Be the tornado.

Hey Char!

Sorry to burst your bubble (or tornado? ^_~), but this didn't do much for me.

Basically, it was a description of wind. Yeah, nice. Anyone can do that. You need to probe further so to find the emotions of the tornado. A thing I've been realizing more and more is how important imagery, meaning, and feeling are. This (to me) was little more than bland description. In a few stanzas, such as the one about crushing, you had the emotions thing on the surface. Dig deeper. Your title is excellent, and can ferment a whole growth of whirling emotions in your piece.

Crit aside, the shape poem was awesome!!!! I didn't realize it till the end either--very clever!

Best of luck!

Wiggy

Thanks you everyone!
this is the only poem I wrote that anyone here liked!
Charlotte
*feels proud for a few seconds*

Wow, this is the first shap poem I'm reading and boy is this exciting!!

Well done, I enjoyed the small phrases cum lines they give a quick rhythm to th epoem which suits it really well as it deals with tornado!

I too think that the last word should be dead. i mean you mean to tell us that the tornado dies after a last tbreath. right?

Good job! I didn't really like the line breaks, until I saw that THEY LOOKED LIKE A TORNADO TOO!

Like this

--------------------------------
------------------------
---------------
------
--
-

Ah! You've captured the emotions and thoughts of a tornado! Bravo! I would have thought they'd be a bit more dizzy.

I like your choices of words. Very good!

*is dizzy*

Wow, this isn't normally the kind of poem I go in for, but I really enjoyed it, Lottie! I especially liked the way you split up the letters of "death" at the end--very nice touch, and your word choices are very good.

Omg, I love shape poems! XD
Like Cadmium said, center it por favor!

I like the way you spelled out Death at the end, but my favorite part was stanza 6.

Anyways, I liked it. Good work.

I kind of liked this, but a couple things:

1. I wouldn't describe a force of nature as evil, since it really doesn't have any intentions, if you know what I mean. But you are anthropomorphizing it, so I guess it's somewhat appropriate.

2. Some spelling and grammar errors. "I" instead of "i," "addiction" instead of "adicction," etc.

Also, cadmium's right, it looks like a shape poem. Nice.

Prokaryote

does it relate to anything? I'm just wondering. I mean, does the toranado mean anything besides a tornado? Am i confusing you?

Oh my goodness! Is this a shape poem? SHAPE POEMS!

Sorry if it's not a shape poem, but it sure looks like a tornado profile. Ooh, center it.

Sorry for the slightly ditzy comments displayed above. I'm not much for critiques today. Anyway...I would take out the world evil. Sounds silly, all the time, not just in your poem.
Perhaps change "Dead" to "Death" at the end?

Sorry I couldn't say anything else.
Colleen

I think it's a good poem, but the breaks and puncuation are all wrong. The begginning was fine, but than it didn't make much sense. You need more puncuation in the end and your spacing is all wrong. Fix those things you'll have a nice poem.