Ok, this is in the present tense - I wrote this partly to get myself back into writing mode, partly to see what finally happens to Derren and partly to experiment with the present tense. Feedback appreciated.
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Epilogue
I look at the boy. He is wounded and bleeding. Taking some cloth I begin to dab his wounds. I feel no sympathy for him, he dashed out to the vulgar world outside, foolish enough to enter the army and combat the strongholds of Nask.
I hate the Nask now; they are too powerful for their own good. That brings me back to the boy, wounded and bleeding. I am in two minds whether to kill him right now, he will never walk again – I would be helping him, one must be cruel to be kind.
Pity is not within me. I find only hatred for the boy and the bitter ignorance the young now live in, believing the Empire and all its lies. They all skip along and face the Sages, fighting with puny swords, ‘protected’ by heavy armour, false securities from powerful, powerful magic. This one is lucky to live, lucky to even still breathe.
Why am I kind enough to care for him? Why did I risk my own life to save him from being scavenged by the mulberry beasts of the mountains?
Because. Because.
Because I am Derren of Blesser – full of that rich bitter ignorance. I was once led astray in the ages of old by a cruel, cruel world into the heart of evil itself. I live alone now, away from the Empire. And Nask, the country I once ruled. I still remember the magic, although I do not cherish the memory. Greed corrupted my soul, greed for power of might and magic.
I look down at the boy and see the bleeding stop; Kread was good enough to leave me with some power of good – healing magic and permission of immortality. This magic is more powerful than all else I have ever possessed, for that other Magic is Scall’s Magic. And Scalls’s Magic leads only to destruction.
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Canary word: Present
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Thank you for the critique hunter. Much appreciated.
This didn't do anything for me. The present tense seemed to serve no purpose, for it didn't have near the impact of what a first person, present tense story should.
There was no emotion to be felt by the reader, although it looks to me like the character is feeling an awful lot.
1) Need a comma--introductory phrase.
2) Need either a semi colon, or a joining word. "For" would work nicely for the latter.
1) Now is implied. This is a present tense peice, so unless he just started hating the Nask at that moment, I think it would sound better if you dropped it.
2) The phrase "that brings me back" makes it sound like he is telling someone this story. But if it's a present tense piece, how can he be?
3) Again, semi-colon or joining word.
4) Same.
Excellent paragraph. Except the last line. If you're breathing, you're still alive. It's like saying "This one is lucky to live, lucky to even still live." But isn't he dying? Would he not die without Derren's help? Keep that in mind.
You just said in the previous paragraph that he had no pity for the kid. This may confuse some readers.
1) I think you need to add a different punctuation to the "because"s, mainly because this has no emotion. If you're going for the repetition thing, try spacing it out.
"Because...
Because.
Because I am..."
2) comma.
Noted again--nice paragraph, over all.
I was left feeling very shorthanded here. It's like he just touches the boy and he's healed. There's no feeling her gets from using magic? Nor is there a physical effect....glowing, light, sparkles, flying elephants?
Good sentence to end on.
--Dono