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My Prolouge!

by Swiftie13


Prologue

Disappearances

It had to be at least midnight, or something like that. The sky was dark, and cold winds shifted leaves down driveways, occasional cars passing by on the road, but only on very rare occasions.

That late, practically nobody was up. Basically everyone was asleep. That is, not on 54 Secret Lane. A man was up, drinking coffee at his table. The kitchen light was on, but it was on a dimmer setting, bathing the room in yellowish light. The wind was thwapping the curtains all around him. The man continued drinking coffee, until he found out he had no more. He gave the cup a dirty look, before walking over to the kitchen counter to get some more.

After some time, the man finally ran out of coffee, and walked back upstairs, but not before turning out the lights.

Slowly, he walked back to the room, and passed by a few doors down the hallway.

Inside a room, there was a person sleeping. They were right by the window, and they had the covers off, which must have been quite cold, but still, it didn’t really matter. And then, a clatter came from the hallway, along with a few screams.

The boy sleeping startled awake, and raced outside the door in a very panicked manner. He ran outside, to see a huge mess, and his father was gone.

“MOM!” He raced to his parent’s bedroom, and his mother raced outside.

“Wh-where’s your father?!” screamed his mother. “Where is he? I heard him outside my door a second ago! Toby, where is he?!”

“I dunno! That’s why I asked you!” Toby yelled, and suddenly, they both knew that the father was gone.

🍁🍂🍁

Arianna knew that it was late, but she sat up, over the pile of papers on her bed. She shifted over, and a pencil broke. She groaned.

Arianna checked her alarm clock, and it said 12:34. She had a feeling it was about that time- it was clearly late, and her eyelids were growing heavy.

She gazed upon her wretched pile of homework. It was only the second week of sixth grade, and she was already being left behind in all of her subjects. It was as if her classes were racers, running ahead and leaving her in the dust. The dirty dust, the kind that made you sneeze.

“Ugh,” she said, staring at all the algebra, writing, and maps she had to finish reading, writing, answering, staring at.

“How long is this going to take?” she asked, and walked out to get a drink of water from the kitchen. Arianna was thirsty, because all that homework made her really parched.

She passed by her sister’s room, where, not surprisingly, the light was off, if you didn’t count the glow of her night-light. Tyler was just a year older than Arianna, and yet she still slept with one.

Arianna walked down the stairs, and grabbed a glass of water, slowly filling it to the brim. She wasn’t careful, and a bunch of it sloshed into the sink.

She slowly drank from the glass, taking her time, although she knew that if she didn’t get her butt into gear, she would get all F’s.

Finally, Arianna put the glass down, and walked back to her room. The stair lights were on, and she raced up the stairs as fast as she could.

At that moment, the absolute worst thing that could happen happened: Arianna heard a scream.

The scream wasn’t like the fake ones, or the joking ones, or even like the ones you hear when people get freaked out on a roller coaster.

This scream was bloodcurdling, and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

The scream came from her sister Tyler’s room. Arianna gasped, and dropped her glass on the hardwood floor, and it shattered, spraying water everywhere.

Arianna yanked open the door to their sister’s room, and realized with scary uncertainty that her sister was gone.

It was simply too bad that she didn’t notice the pale, ghostlike face behind the window.

🍂🍁🍂

A scream echoed around the house, followed by sobbing. William still heard the mechanical fan running in the distance, and the echo of the huge splash still vibrated around the house.

Veronica was still sitting on the lawn chair, soaking wet. The moon was shining bright in the air, lighting her tear-streaked face. She was shivering in the cold, as a few leaves blew next to her deck chair.

“I- mom and dad- why did they leave us with the house?” she sobbed. She yearned that her brother would come outside to comfort her, but he was still inside the mansion, as shocked as she was.

“Why?” she added, slowly, sadly. She really, honestly couldn’t believe it. It was terrible, it really, really was.

Noelle and Daniel were dead- at least, it seemed that way.

It had seemed harmless at first- inviting friends over for a sleepover, what could go wrong? They would have a great time, really! Of course, the idea to go swimming that late was rather stupid, but William turned on all the porch lights. And the pool lights! Nothing wrong, not a chance!

And then- and then….. Boom. Veronica swore she’d seen a pair of hands rise from the water, and slowly yank the two siblings from the water’s edge, where they had been taking a selfie.

Veronica had called 911, and the police were on their way, still. She just sat there, unmoving, after checking the water…

It was empty. Obviously.

She heard the sirens approach from the distance, and knew that she’d barely be able to explain to the officers what had happened.

How could they have been so stupid?


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Fri May 17, 2024 3:56 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this started out fairly normal there but it really kicked off quite quickly there to reach all of that horror as it slowly becomes clear exactly what's going on here. Loving the way its set up here. I think it works perfectly for a prologue.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It had to be at least midnight, or something like that. The sky was dark, and cold winds shifted leaves down driveways, occasional cars passing by on the road, but only on very rare occasions.

That late, practically nobody was up. Basically everyone was asleep. That is, not on 54 Secret Lane. A man was up, drinking coffee at his table. The kitchen light was on, but it was on a dimmer setting, bathing the room in yellowish light. The wind was thwapping the curtains all around him. The man continued drinking coffee, until he found out he had no more. He gave the cup a dirty look, before walking over to the kitchen counter to get some more.

After some time, the man finally ran out of coffee, and walked back upstairs, but not before turning out the lights.


Hmm well this is quite the little start here. A very peaceful atmosphere despite it being that night time darkness kind of vibe and it looks like we've just got ourselves someone having a cup of coffee and relaxing there from the looks of things. Quite a calm start.

Slowly, he walked back to the room, and passed by a few doors down the hallway.

Inside a room, there was a person sleeping. They were right by the window, and they had the covers off, which must have been quite cold, but still, it didn’t really matter. And then, a clatter came from the hallway, along with a few screams.

The boy sleeping startled awake, and raced outside the door in a very panicked manner. He ran outside, to see a huge mess, and his father was gone.

“MOM!” He raced to his parent’s bedroom, and his mother raced outside.

“Wh-where’s your father?!” screamed his mother. “Where is he? I heard him outside my door a second ago! Toby, where is he?!”

“I dunno! That’s why I asked you!” Toby yelled, and suddenly, they both knew that the father was gone.


Well that shifted the vibe quite a bit there from the calmness of the night and drinking that coffee in peace to two people very concerned about a missing father .this is a lovely contrast here. Loving the start.

Arianna knew that it was late, but she sat up, over the pile of papers on her bed. She shifted over, and a pencil broke. She groaned.

Arianna checked her alarm clock, and it said 12:34. She had a feeling it was about that time- it was clearly late, and her eyelids were growing heavy.

She gazed upon her wretched pile of homework. It was only the second week of sixth grade, and she was already being left behind in all of her subjects. It was as if her classes were racers, running ahead and leaving her in the dust. The dirty dust, the kind that made you sneeze.

“Ugh,” she said, staring at all the algebra, writing, and maps she had to finish reading, writing, answering, staring at.


Well it seems we've shifted into yet another scene here and once again we're dealing with a wildly different scenario and this one's intriguing too in its own way with someone just struggling to finish in that very relatable way there. Let's see where this is headed.

“How long is this going to take?” she asked, and walked out to get a drink of water from the kitchen. Arianna was thirsty, because all that homework made her really parched.

She passed by her sister’s room, where, not surprisingly, the light was off, if you didn’t count the glow of her night-light. Tyler was just a year older than Arianna, and yet she still slept with one.

Arianna walked down the stairs, and grabbed a glass of water, slowly filling it to the brim. She wasn’t careful, and a bunch of it sloshed into the sink.

She slowly drank from the glass, taking her time, although she knew that if she didn’t get her butt into gear, she would get all F’s.

Finally, Arianna put the glass down, and walked back to her room. The stair lights were on, and she raced up the stairs as fast as she could.


Oooh well this is going along relatively peaceful for the moment just doing her best to go about her day and try and regroup a little bit before buckling down to some more work there.

At that moment, the absolute worst thing that could happen happened: Arianna heard a scream.

The scream wasn’t like the fake ones, or the joking ones, or even like the ones you hear when people get freaked out on a roller coaster.

This scream was bloodcurdling, and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

The scream came from her sister Tyler’s room. Arianna gasped, and dropped her glass on the hardwood floor, and it shattered, spraying water everywhere.

Arianna yanked open the door to their sister’s room, and realized with scary uncertainty that her sister was gone.

It was simply too bad that she didn’t notice the pale, ghostlike face behind the window.


Oh dear well I'm starting to see a little pattern there and I think I can guess where precisely this prologue is headed here. I think the horror vibes are developing very well here. Loving this so far.

A scream echoed around the house, followed by sobbing. William still heard the mechanical fan running in the distance, and the echo of the huge splash still vibrated around the house.

Veronica was still sitting on the lawn chair, soaking wet. The moon was shining bright in the air, lighting her tear-streaked face. She was shivering in the cold, as a few leaves blew next to her deck chair.

“I- mom and dad- why did they leave us with the house?” she sobbed. She yearned that her brother would come outside to comfort her, but he was still inside the mansion, as shocked as she was.

“Why?” she added, slowly, sadly. She really, honestly couldn’t believe it. It was terrible, it really, really was.

Noelle and Daniel were dead- at least, it seemed that way.


Oh dear well this seems to perhaps the worst case we've had up to now in terms of terrifying the people that have been left behind. This is definitely gearing up to be quite something here. So many different kinds of people getting snatchedd up and from different places. Its quite the moment.

It had seemed harmless at first- inviting friends over for a sleepover, what could go wrong? They would have a great time, really! Of course, the idea to go swimming that late was rather stupid, but William turned on all the porch lights. And the pool lights! Nothing wrong, not a chance!

And then- and then….. Boom. Veronica swore she’d seen a pair of hands rise from the water, and slowly yank the two siblings from the water’s edge, where they had been taking a selfie.

Veronica had called 911, and the police were on their way, still. She just sat there, unmoving, after checking the water…

It was empty. Obviously.

She heard the sirens approach from the distance, and knew that she’d barely be able to explain to the officers what had happened.

How could they have been so stupid?


Well its a powerful ending there for that lovely prologue. Just building up each little disappearance and really nailing home how mysterious and sudden each one is to really sell exactly what is doing all of this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've got quite the start here. I think its got that perfect sense of creeping danger slowly building that works really well in a prologue. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Thu May 16, 2024 11:26 pm
goodolnoah wrote a review...



Image

Hello Stranger! ~ Writing Commentary

Oooo, interesting first chapter! I can only wonder what this story will be like continuing forward. It seems there is a mysterious ghostlike figure stealing (killing) people all throughout this town.

The man continued drinking coffee, until he found out he had no more. He gave the cup a dirty look, before walking over to the kitchen counter to get some more.


The opening paragraph of this chapter had this feeling of silence that was quite gripping and intense due to the awareness of some sort of “disappearances”. I liked how you went beat-by-beat to build tension!

she was already being left behind in all of her subjects. It was as if her classes were racers, running ahead and leaving her in the dust. The dirty dust, the kind that made you sneeze.


I like this, it allows for the reader to understand Arianna a bit before continuing on with the prologue. If she’s the main character, she’s probably the one I am the most interested in thus far! The idea of her doing bad in school is quite relatable, as a recent high school graduate, lol.

Though, I am assuming you meant “classmates” instead of “classes” here.

The scream wasn’t like the fake ones, or the joking ones, or even like the ones you hear when people get freaked out on a roller coaster.

This scream was bloodcurdling, and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.


I really liked the way you spaced out the wording here, leading up to her finding her sister missing and a mysterious figure watching all at once…

Love and…Boo! ~ Story Commentary

Cool prologue! It feels like it is more focused on the disappearances than the characters, and I did like how you injected some of the characters with some personality, Arianna’s struggles with school and homework, and Veronica’s panic. I can only assume that she was only enjoying a nice evening with her friends.

I wonder what will be happening going forward…

Missing… ~ Closer

Great opening to this mysterious story…I can’t wait to see more!




TOPAWG says...


am sorry, unrelated but how did you add that pic thingy???%uD83D%uDE2D%uD83D%uDE2D




Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale