Prologue
The boy stared out of his two story window, wishing he could be a cat.He decided to take a walk; it was perfect out and none was up.
Grabbing a long slender rope from his drawer, he opened his window and tossed it down below.
Sliding to the soft ground, he looked around. Should he take a stroll to the ocean to the east, or the forest to the west?
Deciding that the ocean was too familiar, he started west.
It wasn't long before he came to the edge of the woods and started to walk into the unknown unknown territory, when a strange hiss stopped him in his tracks.
He looked behind him. Nothing. He shrugged and continued on.
Suddenly, a yowl sliced the eerie silence, and a heavy weight dropped onto his back.
"Going somewhere, human?"
The steely tone belonged to a girl.
The boy struggled to break free, but he was jerked into a standing position, a dagger at his throat.
Reaching feebely, he reached for his pocket knife, but by the time his fingers grasped the cool metal, is hand was yanked out of his pocket, his fingers clenching his tiny knife.
The dagger whipped away from his throat and smacked his wrist with the flat of the blade.
His wrist singing with pain, the boy dropped hs knife.
Bolth dropped down to pick up the knife. *Crack!* The impact of two heads hitting together echoed throughout the forest.
The girl was up in a flash,brandishing the boy's tiny knife.
"You call this a weapon?" she growled.
Before the boy could reply,she whipped around and stalked deeper into the forest, only pausing to toss at him like an arrow at a target,"Follow me." Wordlessly, the boy followed.
Description!! That is my first and foremost advice for you, here. You need much more description. Don't tell us what's happening, show us. (If you haven't heard this, you will I'm sure. It's one of those standard advice for writers things that you can never escape. For the rest of your life people will continue to tell you to show not tell. Trust me.) At the moment, I know the basic idea of this story, I know what's happening, but that's it. I do know much about the setting, just that there's a forest and an ocean somewhere. I want to know what the forest looks like, how far the ocean is, whether the trees are pine trees or oaks. I want to know if his house is in a city or alone in the woods. Give me detail and description!
Also, I am not drawn to your character very much. The boy, that is. I am curious about the girl- you did a good job at adding suspense to her and making me want to read more about her and find out why she's in the forest and why she attacked the boy. However, I don't know much about the boy except that he wants to be a cat. Which to me just sounds a little bit odd. But, it doesn't have to.
Show us why he wants to be a cat, and why running away will help with that. What's wrong with being human? There are a lot of questions at the end of this, and while there should be some so that we'll want to keep reading, you need to at least give us an idea so we know what we'll be reading about.
Okay, sorry, I feel like this review was a little harsh. I don't mean to sound like that, I just get a little carried away sometimes. I hope this all made sense and was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or comments. It does sound like with some patching up and adding on this will be an interesting story. I think you should keep working on this and make it into something great.
Cailey
right. thanks for the advice! I'm starting the first chapter... here goes nothing..
Swiftfur~! We talked yesterday, remember?
Well, I am here to review for you.
First, let me mention that I'm really fond of your writing style. You're telling a story in a simple and yet entertaining way. Your wording is beautiful and descriptive, and I appreciate that. I am not here to give you any harsh feedback, for you have done a lovely job. However, I did find little things that need to be pointed out here and there... Let's get to it!
In this sentence, I am not sure if you wanted the word "unknown" twice or if it's just a little mistake (the ones we do when we get the muse xD).
In this other sentence, the word "feebely" is misspelled; it should be "feebly". Also the "his" lacks an "h".
In all honesty, I wouldn't write the word "Crack" between asterisks, because people would normally associate it with things such as the internet, chatrooms, facebook ~ and that could make the reader think of this as a less-professional piece. I would write it in Italics. Although that's only a suggestion and personal opinion, you feel free to keep it that way if that's what you want.
And that is pretty much all I've got to say. Hopefully, I've expressed myself correctly! But feel free to contact me if you have any questions. And... Keep Writing!
~GeeLyria
Welcome to YWS!
Ok, I usually don't do this, but "Bolth" is spelled "Both." That bugged the crap outta me.
Other than that, great story! I too, wish to be of the feline heritage, but fate has denied me that pleasure.
You say in the discription that the forest is one that no one has ever come out of... I didn't get that. You need to say something about that. It seemed to me just like he was walking through a forest. He wasn't even all that scared. Tell us what he's feeling. Awed by the woods? Scared that he won't make it? Wondering what he's missing at the ocean? Also, why is he sneaking out? Couldn't he just walk down the stairs to go outside? Maybe it's night? Maybe he's a prisoner? You need to explain. Even if you don't come out and say it, drop some hints. "Not wanting to wake his parents, he grabbed a long slender rope..."
Also, imagery is your friend. I can understand you wanting to make the reader use their own imagination (I do that myself) but you need to give us something. Was it cold out? What did the girl look like? Little things like this make your story deeper.
Give me some thoughts of the boy. Did he hesitate to follow the girl? Did he think he was doomed when she jumped on him?
I appriciate how you just jumped into the action. He's walking along and BAM! she attacks!
I don't mean to sound harsh or missunderstanding, but I just didn't get some things. You need to give us background. I found myself not caring that the boy was attacked. He just didn't stick to me. I want a character I can know and love.
Give us some background. And discribe, discribe, discribe! Like I said, imagery is your friend.
Also, I am a fan of Warrior books and the Max Ride series.
Hope I helped and didn't sound to mean!
most of the mistake GeeLria pointed out were my careless typing skills, and i didn't write all of this, Mrs. Boggs helped me. As for what you said, It was night, and as you know, humans can't really see well in the dark. Plus, it all happened so fast.
Okay guys, I made some major improvements on titan pad, and i will submit it as soon a possible. some of the mistakes were due to the fact that I am on a laptop and the space bar doesn't always cooperate.
I started this story in 2012 sometime in the fall with the help of my writing coach, Mrs. Boggs.
Part of the stuff about the cats/humans and the forest setting i got from Maximum Ride and the Warriors series.( Erin Hunter, James Patterson, if your reading this, I hope you'll grant me permission to use your ideas. Thanks! -Karen)