"Aimee! We're going to be late!" I shouted to my sister. Our brothers were already in the car, ready to go to school. No answer. I tapped my foot impatiently and waited. I decided to get in the car and wait for my makeup-loving sister. "Stupid, no good, disgusting excuse for..." I muttered.
"Cyan, shut up. We don't need a crazy person in the car," Aaron grumbled.
"I don't care." I snapped.
"Cyan, Aaron, stop fighting." said Mom. I crossed my leg over my knee and turned to face the window. Aimee finally came into the car.
"You should use less of your time putting makeup on, Aimee. You're making everyone late." scolded Mom.
"Mom. Do you want to see a pretty face? Yes you do. So stop telling me what to do." Aimee retorted.
I tried to ignore them and look at the world rushing by. Trees . . trees . . road . . trees . . oh a deer . . trees . . bye deer, I thought. We lived at Lake Wildwood and we went to Lyman Gilmore Middle School.
We stay here for the fall,spring, and winter, then go back to Irvine for the summer. We used to live at Irvine, but our grandfather died a year ago, and Mom had to take care of Grandma. We didn't like it here. I miss you Daddy. I hope that you'll come home. I thought. Dad was in the war in Iraq.
I sighed sadly. Absolon was reading the front page on the newspaper. He saw my sad face and asked, "Cyan? Are you okay?" I looked at his emotionless face and nodded and yawned. "Insomnia?"
I didn't answer. I often had trouble sleeping because of nightmares of Dad dying in the war. Absolon gave me a Rubik's cube and said, "Here. It will take your mind of things." I took it and started twisting and turning the little cubes. I chuckled as Aaron mocked Aimee and Mom as they argued the whole way to school.
Mom pulled up in the parking lot. "Everyone, here's your lunch money." said Mom. She gave each of us a five dollar bill. She gave me a wistful look and she said, "Bye honey. I hope you have a nice day at school."
I smiled and replied, "Bye Mom. Good luck on your book."
I closed the door and walked into the school with my siblings. Aaron and Absolon were now passing a football that they brought from home, while Aimee was checking herself in the mirror. Other kids were talking and socializing. I went to the nearest tree and proceeded to climb it, when a sharp voice erupted behind me.
"Cyan Wolfe, do not climb that tree for your amusement," ordered our principal, Mrs.Sanders.
I froze and turned around slowly. "But climbing trees is fun." I replied.
Aaron,Aimee, and Absolon came over to see what was wrong. Absolon's eyebrows furrowed in anger as he saw Mrs.Sanders. It took a lot to make Absolon angry.
We had a bad history with Mrs.Sanders because she hurt us. When she was angry with students breaking the rules, she would take a small knife and cut our backs and legs. Many students feared her, and some tried to tell on her, but she would always tell the other adults that we were lying. She hated me the most, because I would never stop telling on her and as a result, I, of all the students, got the most scars.
She banned field trips and clubs that were not of importance to her. We called her Lady Hell. "Not for the tree and the school." said Mrs.Sanders.
"Chill, Mrs.Sanders." said Aaron coolly.
"Detention, Mr.Wolfe."
Aaron gaped at Mrs.Sanders. "You can't do that. That's not fair," shouted Absolon.
"You too, Mr.Wolfe."
I snarled, "Mrs.Sanders! Stop giving someone detention for something that they did not do!"
"Yeah!" agreed Aimee.
Mrs. Sanders pointed to both of us."You two, detention."
She walked up the steps. I felt power swirling into me as I felt rage towards Mrs.Sanders.
Pain pulsed in my head as my mind tore itself apart. I groaned in agony, and fell to the ground. My breath slowed as I tried to not scream, the storm inside me awakening. Pain rushed through my body, growing and burning me, the monster in me tearing my very soul and being. My hands shaking, I gripped the roots of grass, for comfort that did not exist.
Black fur sprouted on my hands, and out grew what seemed to be a wolf paw with a strange red mark on it. The fur traveled all over my body, and I felt my arms growing longer, and my legs shorter. I felt my skull grow smaller, and my tailbone longer. I rested a paw on the cool,dewy, grass.
I felt my mind shifting into another, and I opened my eyes to find a lady too close for comfort. I bit the lady in a formal orange skirt. She screamed and kicked me in the jaw. I did not care. Blood dripped down on the concrete.
It was in slow-motion. I turned my head to find a cougar and a jaguar screeching and fighting. Humans were running away, screaming. I sniffed the air and found that there was a grizzly bear and the smell of fear. I looked around the school for the grizzly bear, and saw him, roaring at the humans.
A hand tried to reach for me. I sank my fangs into them. I let go, hating the taste of human blood. The girl fell down to the ground, clearly injured. I walked over to her, curious.
Her black hair was matted against her face, and her emerald green eyes were full of fear and suffering. She closed her eyes, and murmured, "Why Cyan? Why?"
Those words triggered something in my mind. A slight headache came as my human mind gained control of my wolf mind. I'm sorry . . . Erin. I licked her hand, covered with dried blood.
A growl came behind me. I turned around to find a grizzly bear. Then, without warning, a huge brown paw slammed against my skull, making it ring with pain. The grizzly bear sliced my leg and I sprang up, sinking my fangs into his face. The bear shook me off and sent a strong blow that made me crash against a wall.
I was dazed, but I saw the grizzly bear poised to send a killing blow to Mrs.Sanders. Even though she was mean to me . . . no life is worth more than another. I must do what's right! I almost hesitated for a mere moment. Then I put myself in front of Mrs.Sanders, ready to take the blow. Claws raked through my leg, causing a scorching pain run from my paw to my back. I yelped and fell to the ground.
I got up shakily. One of my legs wobbled a little as I faced the grizzly bear. We were both panting. I sensed a burning power in myself. I took a deep breath and howled.
A breeze came and went through my fur, ruffling it. A blue aura went around Aimee,Aaron,Absolon, and I, making our fur float up a little. As I continued howling, our marks on our paws glowed. My wolf mind no longer fought for control. When I finished howling, a blinding flash of light exploded around us, throwing us in the air.
I opened my eyes. We were on the ground, finally human again. I got up first, saddened by the destruction that we created. I looked at all the students and finally, at Mrs.Sanders. She put her hand in front of her face in terror.
I gave her a pained look, and ran away to the forest as quickly as I could with a injured leg.[i]
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Hi there. ^^ I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today.
I. Nit-picks
Why the two quotation marks?
"Get into the car" is a bit redundant overall. I don't think the second one is needed.
When preceding a dialogue tag, dialogue should never end with a period. Should be:
"Cyan, shut up. We don't need a crazy person in the car," Aaron grumbled.
Sorry if that's confusing. ^^ This issue crops up a few more times in the story, too, so change that.
I take it that they live in the country? Oh, and your ellipses need to be spaced out: ". . ." instead of "..."
You're missing a closing quotation mark.
You're missing commas. Should be:
"Chill, Mrs. Sanders" and
"Detention, Mr. Wolfe."
"Too" and "also" mean the same thing, so there's no reason to use them both in one sentence. Cut one of them out.
O_o Where in the world did the grizzy bear come from? I get that he's her brother, but you could at least explain that he's there before describing him slashing at Mrs. Sanders. Same with the jaguar and the cougar. It'd just be a bit more clear that way. ^^
Nice ending.
II. Characters
Your characters seem interesting, but I'd spruce them up a bit. We don't see much of thier personalities. Aimee is a spoiled brat and Aaron seems sarcastic, but what about Cyan and Absolon? Give them unique traits. Give them flaws, virtues and quirks. Characters are the life and blood of a story; they can't be bland, or the story dies.
III. Plot
You've got some suspense cooking up here! I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Humans that can turn into animals. It's an ancient concept, and it's been used hundreds of times by many, many civilizations. Thus, it's definitely a tried-and-true foundation for a story. However, such stories can become very cliche, very fast. Try to think of a unique twist or angle you can add to this tale.
IIII. Overall thoughts
Detail!
I need more description. What's their house like, what's their car like, what's their school like? Do they live in the country, or a small town, or what? What do the people look like? Describe the transformation into a wolf. Is it painful? Can Cyan feel her body being manipulated and twisted into another form? What emotions does she feel?
Also, I thought that it was VERY odd for Cyan and the others to attack Mrs.Sanders just because she scolded them. Do they have a bad history with her? If so, do mention it.
Is this your first book? If so, good luck! Writing books is a great joy and I hope this one turns out well. ^^
Keep writing!
-Hawkie-
Thanks for reviewing. I wrote it at three in the morning, and my writings aren't as great. I'm going to edit some of the parts you said, and I agree with you. This chapter needs some work. Read it again soon!
Whoa. I did not see that coming. Overall i thought it was... okay I guess. Some parts I didn't understand like when she was a wolf or whatever she was why she that angry at Mrs. Sanders. I know she gave them all detention, but in my book thats no reason to go all wolf. Another thing: why were they all in pain even though only Cyan and Absolon got in the scuffle? I also wanted a little more description as to why they're these shapeshifting animals and why they go to school because of the risk of being exposed.
Anyway I liked it, it just left me curious.