Reflection: Chapter 1

Well don't have much to say just hope you like it. I really want this to be something I go all the way with so please any tiny thing you might notice I could fix tell me. As a side note (because people have asked me before) the name Kokoro does have a relevant meaning to the story. Alright enjoy :D

Chapter 1:

Together we locked arms and pressed the palms of our hands to the cool, smooth surface. And then the lights grew so bright we couldn't see and our hands broke through the surface which had suddenly become cool, clear liquid. We fell, arm in arm, into the water. We fell and we fell toward the surface. The water caressed us and tickled us and sped us along our way. When we broke the surface everything was the right side up again. We splashed and spluttered our way to the shore then stood and looked back at the lake. Perhaps one day we would return but for now we would explore the world we should have been born in.

We walked for hours down a dirt road in a forest. We had discarded our pinching shoes a long time ago and our tights were already torn. It was then that we encountered the first sign of life in this world. A man sat on an old wooden chair in front of a rose bush. There were three roses on this bush. One was black, another was white, and the last one was gray.. The man flipped a page in his book. He had a gray beard and thinning gray hair. He wore a gray shirt and gray pants. His feet were bare like ours. He gave no sign that he had notice our arrival. We moved to stand right in front of him.

"Sir?" we asked in unison.

"Twins of two worlds." he responded.

We nodded not knowing if this was a question or a statement. He closed his book and plucked the gray rose off of his bush. We reached for it and he dropped it into our hands.

"I wonder what color it will be this time." he murmured glancing at the remaining roses.

We wanted to ask question but something told us he would not answer. We wandered away from the man and continued along the road glancing back every now and then.

The sun began to set, so we made our beds underneath a canopy of trees. Our dresses were coated with dirt and sweat, so we tore them off and hung them on a low tree branch. We removed our tights which had gone from white to brown in the past hours and flung them aside. We would no longer need them. We sprawled out side by side in only our underpants and stared up at the leaves that were our roof. We caught glimpses of the stars every so often, and that night we dreamed of hopping from star to star and dancing in the light of the moon. And we dreamed that our caretakers were calling our names and shouting out warnings from the earth below. We did not listen to them. We were free and always would be now that we had bathed in the shimmering glow of the cosmos.

When we awoke the sun was in the center of the bright sky. It had kindly dried our dresses and our bodies after the morning dew. We both stared at our colorless and dreary rose for a few minutes. It was so sad we couldn't help but feel sorry for it.

"Worry not little rose," we whispered, "Soon you shall shine bright as the sun above.”

Perhaps we should not have made such a promise. We knew nothing of what was to come after all and we didn’t know where to go. In the end we continued to follow the road. It was becoming a close friend of ours. It was familiar and consistent unlike our lives had always been. Our feet felt at home on the soft silt.

"What shall we do?" we asked each other.

What were we meant to do? She had told us we needed to accomplish something, yet she did not say what it was. We had many questions but there was no soul to answer them. No soul that we knew of anyway.

After another day's journey we discovered more life in the form of a bustling city. It was quite an oddity, but we adored it instantly. The people all dressed themselves in strange ways. Girls our age were in dresses that did not fall beneath the knees. Boys our age ran around in short pants made of strange materials. But as we wandered deeper into the city we saw people dressed as we were. And people dressed from times earlier than our own. Just as the people changed so did the structures in the city. Some were tall and gleaming made of unknown materials, and others were short and made of stone or wood. It was such a strange collaboration. We could have explored the remainder of the day; it was all so amazing.

But then someone grabbed our arms and yanked us into a marble house. We were too surprised to cry out.

"You must be careful!" a woman whispered, "Don’t wander with that flower in plain sight."

We placed the rose in one of our bags obediently.

"Good," the woman murmured, "Now come with me."

We followed her without hesitation. We could sense that she didn’t want to harm us. She wore a long Greek toga that was a vibrant shade of purple, and her black hair complemented the garment nicely.

We followed her down a long marble corridor until we came to a large wooden set of double doors. She pushed them open and led us into a bright and enormous room. In the room about twenty girls all wearing short, purple togas and sandals were lying about. Several were sprawled out like cats in the sunlight that streamed through several windows that stretched from the floor to the ceiling.

"I found them!" our guide exclaimed and all of the girls' heads snapped around to look at us.

We shifted uncomfortably under their gaze. Why were they looking for us?

"Where’s the flower at?" one of the younger girls piped up.

We removed the rose from its bag and held it up. The girls stared for a long time before another spoke.

"Find them clothes please." she said.

She appeared to be about fifteen years old and the oldest of them all. We understood that she was in control.

Three of the girls scurried off down a hall and returned moments later with underwear and togas for us. We stripped our dresses off and pulled on the soft togas. It felt odd having our knees exposed, but we enjoyed the freedom of movement that came with it. We finished changing and sat down cross-legged on the cold floor. The oldest girl approached us.

"My name is Claire," she said, "And these are my sisters. We will help you."

We nodded, but we did not know what it was we needed to do.

"Help us with what though?" we inquired.

"They don't know?" several girls whispered incredulously to each other, "How can they not know?"

"The woman who told us to come here did not explain too much."

One of the girls was about to speak up, but Claire silenced her with a sharp look.

"We cannot tell you everything.. It’s not our place. But I will tell you enough.”

We let our eyes rest on Claire and gave her our full attention.

She took a moment to think then began her explanation.

“This world you have come to is in danger. I don’t know how it works where you’re from, but here we have one person in charge of everything. There are only three countries in this world, and each country has a leader. Then there is a leader of those three who controls everything.”

“Like a king and lords?”

“Yes. Our king has been ruling for about one hundred years-“

“One hundred?!”

“I know it’s amazing. And as I’m sure you two have already assumed he’s nearing the end of his life. Soon a successor will be necessary. The king had a son, so it was expected that he would take over. But his son didn’t want the position, and to avoid being forced onto the throne he left with his son. No one knows where they went, but one day the king’s grandson returned and brought news that his father was dead. The king decided to make his grandson his successor.”

“We’re sorry, but we don’t understand the conflict.”

“I’m going to explain that now. It may seem alright. There’s a successor for when the king passes away. But the problem is the successor. Everyone has doubts that he’s completely sane. And they have doubts that he’s completely good as well. He’s done strange things in the past: Odd experiments and the like.”

“But that’s all a rumor is it not?”

“Not all of it. Some of it is a reality. His experiments have been found. He’s managed to weasel his way out of everything so far, but if he becomes king none of us will escape what he’s trying to do. Don’t ask what he’s trying to do. I don’t know exactly. But it’s nothing good. And this is where you both come in. You’re going to stop him with our help.”

“Why us?!”

“That falls under the category of ‘I Can’t Tell You.’”

We contemplated everything Claire had told us as she began to pull a compass and maps out of a bag. We didn’t want this world to fall into turmoil if the king’s grandson took over, but why did we need to do anything? If Claire could not tell us why it was us why should we help? But Claire, her sisters, and the owner of the house had helped us. They had given us new clothes and seemed intent on giving us a place to stay. We would trust them. Some feeling was telling us to. They were the only people we knew in this world. We had to trust them.

Claire pulled unfolded a very large map and laid it out in front of us. The other girls gathered around.

“Alright to stop him we need to get to him first. We are here.”

She pointed a large dot on the map. We discovered we were in a city named Unity. We thought it was a beautiful name, but we did not understand why it was named that. Perhaps for all the different sorts of people it held?

“And we need to get here.”

Claire was now pointing at the largest dot on the map that had a golden star in its center. It was the capital city, and it was many miles away from Unity.

“The Capital will take perhaps a week and a half to reach. It depends on the transportation we can find and use. First we must pass through this forest.”

Now we were looking at a clump of black trees with a road leading through it. There was a collective shiver from the Sisters.

“Then we cross this large lake. Then we take the tunnels. And then we’re there.”

It sounded simple, but these sorts of things always do.

Claire put the map away and began to wander around through the crowd of girls. We were deathly curious about why it had to be us. But none of the other girls seemed like they were willing to talk. We hoped that if we could get one of them alone without Claire they might explain a bit more, but our hopes were crushed as we observed the sisters more and more. Claire was always near as if she was in four or five places at once. And her sisters had absolute, unwavering loyalty to her it seemed. As even more time passed we began to see that their loyalty was well deserved. Claire spoke gently to them, she requested rather than ordered, she was logical and could solve any spat her sisters were having. As expected of having twenty girls in one room together, small arguments broke out frequently. Claire always appeared to quiet things down. She was a very good person we thought. We began to feel something for her as well.

She asked if we would help prepare food with her and two others. We were not terribly skilled in the kitchen, but she helped us every step of the way throughout the preparations, and soon we were carrying supper out to the group on trays made of some kind of creamy green stone. Streaks of darker and lighter green were spread throughout the material. We thought it was beautiful. As we dined, Claire told us that stone was called jade. It was not a very precious stone she said but she, her sisters, and Alexandra, the woman who owned the house, thought it was brilliant and made everything they could out of it.

"You made these trays?" we asked in surprise.

"Yes. My sisters and I love to craft things. So does Alexandra. She taught us.."

"Will you teach us?"

"Certainly."

We felt as if we belonged. We never belonged back in our other world. And here we were fitting in for once with other girls. We were wearing their clothes, we were doing their jobs, and soon we would be enjoying their activities.. We were becoming like them. We wanted it. We wanted to be like them, to spend every day with them, and to follow them everywhere they roamed.

We spent several joyous hours after supper making necklaces out of jade beads. We did not enjoy wearing jewelry, but it was entertaining to make it. Claire promised us that another day she would teach us how to cut the jade into the shapes we wanted. It was something that took practice though and required careful instruction. She didn’t want us to harm ourselves, so she said she’d leave it for when we had more time and more light. Alexandra had long ago set out candles. Their flames were reflected by the dark windows making the room seem brighter than it really was. The candles were almost completely melted, so we placed our necklaces into our bags and followed the Sisters down a hall. Alexandra blew out the candles one by one then followed us. We were reluctant to go, and it seemed that way for the others too. They all hesitated before going into their rooms. They didn’t want to get into their beds.

We enjoyed a night in a comfortable bed in our own room. We slept peacefully and dreamt of the forest we had to venture into the next day. We were walking alongside Claire on a cobblestone road. Occasionally we would pass other travelers. Each looked odder than the one before them. None of them gave our party a second glance. The forest was beautiful. Sunlight pooled up in the grass and tickled the soles of our feet when we walked in it. Birds sang to each other, and we clapped when they finished their concertos. It was peaceful and a light breeze blew our hair back every so often. We awoke feeling tranquil and well rested. We were the only ones because we had not known it then, but the Sisters hadn’t wanted to get into bed not because they wanted to play more, but because they had not wanted morning to come. Because morning brought the star of our journey.

There was tension in the air when we joined the others. They were all eating very slowly and very little. Claire was trying to boost their morale, but they all just stared at her through unseeing, sleepless eyes.

“What is upsetting them?” we asked.

“The forest.” was Claire’s reply.

“What is disturbing about the forest?”

“It’s best if you don’t know. It might make things less complicated.”

Claire shifted her weight from foot to foot in discomfort. We looked at each other in confusion. Why were there so many things we were not allowed to know? Yesterday Claire had also refused to tell us why it was us who were doing this. It didn’t seem fair. We were going to go possibly save their world, and she refused to tell us everything. Our annoyance was clouded over by anxiety after a few minutes. The way Claire had phrased her response made us nervous.

We were not very excited about the journey anymore, but it was not until one of the girls burst into tears that we became truly afraid. The girl’s cup of water had cracked. At first we thought she had been cut, but one of the other girls told us otherwise.

“Where Kokoro comes from that is a bad omen. A very bad one.”

We stared at the sobbing Kokoro. We had a powerful feeling that if we had not been about to trek through the forest that her reaction would not have been as great.

We looked down at our breakfast then put it with the other unfinished meals. Alexandra walked into the room and glanced solemnly at the half eaten food. A grim look passed over her face. She looked at all of us then left the room saying “Be careful.” Her stare had felt as if she had been seeing us for what she suspected would be the last time. We shuttered and pulled our rose out to look at it. We would have to do this. After all we needed this rose to have a color.

After several more uneasy minutes we were all attired in hooded purple cloaks and brown traveling packs that held medical supplies and meals. We trudged through the city to the edge of the wood. It looked exactly the way we had imagined it: Peaceful and beautiful. We began to feel silly for being worried, but all the others had odd expressions on their faces. We only knew one word to describe those looks: Terror. After many deep breaths, Claire took the first steps into the trees. Kokoro walked beside her, and we followed directly behind. The youngest sisters brought up the rear.

The forest was bright and silent.. We couldn’t hear any animals. In front of us Kokoro was shaking, and Claire was very stiff. We glanced behind us and saw the other girls all holding hands with a partner. We grabbed each others' hand.

“How long will it take to get through the forest?” we asked.

“Almost two days. Hopefully we will reach the end before sunset tomorrow.” Claire replied.

“Why is sunset important?”

No answer.

We walked for hours in silence until someone screamed. We whirled around and saw a ten year old that was clinging to an older girl. Her partner had broken away from her and was looking at something in the bushes.

“Get away from there!” Kokoro shrieked.

The girl jumped then ran back to her partner. They locked arms this time.

“I-I’m sorry. I saw a rabbit and-”

“Don’t be an idiot!”

We had never seen anyone as angry as Claire had been. The girl shuttered and nodded. We continued on our way, but we noticed everyone staying farther away from the girl who had broken apart. It was as if she was infected. Our stomachs began to churn uncomfortably.

Many more hours passed and the sun began to set. Claire stopped everyone and had us set up camp in the middle of the road. We had not eaten dinner, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to take more than a few bites of supper. Some people didn’t eat at all. As darkness came we all crawled into tents. There were four girls to a tent, and we were with Kokoro and Claire. We found it hard to sleep. Our companions had managed to doze off, and we were almost there when we heard rustling and saw shadows on the tent wall. The shadows belonged to two of the Sisters.

We poked our heads out of the tent to see what was going on. It was the girl who had run off and her partner. They stared at us.

“Help.” they whispered.

Their eyes were wide.

“It’s here.”

“What’s here?”

They tilted their heads to the side and their eyes grew even wider. Then they were on top of us. We screamed loud enough to wake the dead. Claire and Kokoro burst out of the tent and we were free. They began wrestling with the two younger girls. Everyone else emerged from their tents and watched in silent horror.

“Hannah! Celeste! Get a hold of yourselves!” Claire screeched as she shook the girl in her grip.

“H-Hannah?! Who’s that?!” Hannah babbled out hysterically.

Celeste began laughing.

“What weird names!” she laughed out.

Kokoro squealed and let go of Celeste as the wild girl reached for her eyes.

“But I can’t see!”

Celeste tackled Kokoro and went for the eyes again. All the others were frozen in fear, and Claire was still grappling with Hannah. We forced our limbs to move and yanked Celeste off of Kokoro.. She went for us and grabbed onto our throats, laughing all the while. Her eyes were cloudy and large. Her pupils flitted around wildly. Our vision was going fuzzy.

We thought we would pass out, but Celeste released her grip when Claire flung Hannah at her. They both lay on the ground away from us, laughing and babbling. And then we saw something, something behind them: a skinless, grinning, man. We shrieked then someone hit us on our heads, and we crumpled to the ground.

Comments & reviews · 3
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I agree with Cheshire-Writer, the story doesn’t seem to follow a constant flow. You also don’t use a lot of descriptions; you’re telling the readers what is happening, but you’re not showing them. What you could do to make the story more interesting is, try to paint a picture for your readers. What do the characters see, what do they feel, what are they thinking? Show us more detail and explain things a bit more. This will also give us a better idea of who the characters are.

I’m not sure if it would be better if you changed to third point of view. Maybe it will be more helpful to you. The thing is, you write about the characters as if they are one entity. They do everything together, at the same time. Are they two different characters? Then, if you write from first point of view, choose one characters’ point of view to write from. Or you can change to third point of view and tell the story from the point of view of both the characters (switching between them) or also, from the point of view one of the characters.

Overall, I like this story. It’s mysterious, and the whole ‘through the mirror’-thing is interesting! But some things are still very vague and confusing. Who are the main characters? We know almost nothing about them! What are their names, what do they look like, where do they come from? What are their abilities? It’s good that you don’t dump a lot of information on the reader, but you could reveal the background story more, bit by bit, throughout the story. Also, who are Claire and the other girls and what is their purpose? Why are they the ones to tell the main characters that they have to go stop the king’s grandson?

Maybe you haven’t really worked out all this background information yet. But it might be helpful if you did. I'm not saying the plot is bad, but it is vague right now. If you, as a writer, have the background and setting of the story in mind, then it’s easier to translate it to a story. Think about the land the main characters have entered. What does Unity look like?


OK, on to the nitpicking! You said any tiny thing right? ;) This is just my opinion, so ignore the things you don’t agree with!


Sweetyb1 wrote:Together we locked arms and pressed the palms of our hands to the cool, smooth surface. [s]And[/s] then the lights grew so bright we couldn't see and our hands broke through the surface which had suddenly become cool, clear liquid. We fell, arm in arm, into the water. We fell and we fell toward the surface. The water caressed us and tickled us and sped us along our way. When we broke the surface everything was the right side up again. We splashed and spluttered our way to the shore then stood and looked back at the lake. Perhaps one day we would return but for now we would explore the world we should have been born in.


It’s not immediately clear that you’re speaking of a mirror here. For example, you write: ‘We fell into the water. We fell and fell toward the surface.’ When I first read it, I didn’t know you meant a different surface on the other side of the mirror. Show the reader what is happening here, by explaining it and describing it in more detail. This does not mean you need more sentences, it just means you tell us a bit what it looks like and so on. Paint a picture. :)

Sweetyb1 wrote:We walked for hours down a dirt road in a forest. We had discarded our pinching shoes a long time ago and our tights were already torn. It was then that we encountered the first sign of life in this world. A man sat on an old wooden chair in front of a rose bush. There were three roses on this bush. One was black, another was white, and the last one was gray... The man flipped a page in his book. He had a gray beard and thinning gray hair. He wore a gray shirt and gray pants. His feet were bare like ours. He gave no sign that he had noticed our arrival. We moved to stand right in front of him.


Try to avoid using ‘there were’ too much, since those are usually useless words. Maybe instead of ‘there were three roses on this bush’ you could write: ‘Three roses grew on the bush.’

A lot of short sentences, all of them starting with words like ‘we’, ‘the man’, ‘he’, ‘his’... I’m really missing a flow here. Try to unite sentences (and not just by using the word ‘and’). Use different types of sentences. If you also throw in some descriptive words, the story will be more interesting, much more alive. (Or are you aiming for a fairytale kind of story? Because that is more often written like you are writing your story. Less descriptions and detail. But most modern novels are not like that, I think.)

For example (you don’t have to use exactly these words, because it’s your story and not mine!): ‘The man, who was dressed in all gray, flipped a page in his book as we approached. He scratched his long, gray beard. The hair on his head had started to thin, revealing a bald spot. Like ours, his feet were bare. When he gave no sign he had noticed our arrival, we continued to walk up to him. Only when we stood right in front of him, did he finally look up.’

Watch for this throughout the whole story.

Sweetyb1 wrote:"Sir?" we asked in unison.
"Twins of two worlds," he responded.
We nodded, not knowing if this was a question or a statement. He closed his book and plucked the gray rose off of his bush. We reached for it and he dropped it into our hands.
"I wonder what color it will be this time," he murmured glancing at the remaining roses.
We wanted to ask questions but something told us he would not answer. We wandered away from the man and continued along the road glancing back every now and then.
The sun began to set, so we made our beds underneath a canopy of trees. Our dresses were coated with dirt and sweat, so we tore them off and hung them on a low tree branch. We removed our tights which had gone from white to brown in the past hours and flung them aside. We would no longer need them. We sprawled out side by side in only our underpants and stared up at the leaves that were our roof. We caught glimpses of the stars every so often, and that night we dreamed of hopping from star to star and dancing in the light of the moon. And we dreamed that our caretakers were calling our names and shouting out warnings from the earth below. We did not listen to them. We were free and always would be now that we had bathed in the shimmering glow of the cosmos.


A lot of sentences here start with ‘we’. Try to vary some more.

(I'm making a skip here.)

Sweetyb1 wrote:We removed the rose from its bag and held it up. The girls stared for a long time before another spoke.
"Find them clothes please." she said.
She appeared to be about fifteen years old and the oldest of them all. We understood that she was in control.


Who do you mean here by ‘she’? It only becomes clear later in the text.

Sweetyb1 wrote:Three of the girls scurried off down a hall and returned moments later with underwear and togas for us. We stripped our dresses off and pulled on the soft togas. It felt odd having our knees exposed, but we enjoyed the freedom of movement that came with it. We finished changing and sat down cross-legged on the cold floor. The oldest girl approached us.
"My name is Claire," she said, "and these are my sisters. We will help you."
We nodded, but we did not know what it was we needed to do.
"Help us with what though?" we inquired.
"They don't know?" several girls whispered incredulously to each other, "How can they not know?"
"The woman who told us to come here did not explain too much."
One of the girls was about to speak up, but Claire silenced her with a sharp look.
"We cannot tell you everything.. It’s not our place. But I will tell you enough.”
We let our eyes rest on Claire and gave her our full attention.
She took a moment to think, then began her explanation.
“This world you have come to is in danger. I don’t know how it works where you’re from, but here we have one person in charge of everything. There are only three countries in this world, and each country has a leader. Then there is a leader of those three who controls everything.”
“Like a king and lords?”
“Yes. Our king has been ruling for about one hundred years-“
“One hundred?!”
“I know it’s amazing. And as I’m sure you two have already assumed he’s nearing the end of his life. Soon a successor will be necessary. The king had a son, so it was expected that he would take over. But his son didn’t want the position, and to avoid being forced onto the throne he left with his son. No one knows where they went, but one day the king’s grandson returned and brought news that his father was dead. The king decided to make his grandson his successor.”
“We’re sorry, but we don’t understand the conflict.”
“I’m going to explain that now. It may seem alright. There’s a successor for when the king passes away. But the problem is the successor. Everyone has doubts that he’s completely sane. And they have doubts that he’s completely good as well. He’s done strange things in the past: Odd experiments and the like.”
“But that’s all a rumor is it not?”
“Not all of it. Some of it is a reality. His experiments have been found. He’s managed to weasel his way out of everything so far, but if he becomes king none of us will escape what he’s trying to do. Don’t ask what he’s trying to do. I don’t know exactly. But it’s nothing good. And this is where you both come in. You’re going to stop him with our help.”
“Why us?!”
“That falls under the category of ‘I Can’t Tell You.’”


You use only dialogue here. Try to add some more descriptions, things like ‘she said, nodding her head’ or ‘I exclaimed in surprise’. You could also cut up long pieces of dialogue.

Sweetyb1 wrote:We contemplated everything Claire had told us as she began to pull a compass and maps out of a bag. We didn’t want this world to fall into turmoil if the king’s grandson took over, but why did we need to do anything? If Claire could not tell us why it was us why should we help? But Claire, her sisters, and the owner of the house had helped us. They had given us new clothes and seemed intent on giving us a place to stay. We would trust them. Some feeling was telling us to. They were the only people we knew in this world. We had to trust them.


Where does Claire get the bag from, did she have it all the time or was it on the ground somewhere or...?

Sweetyb1 wrote:Claire pulled unfolded a very large map and laid it out in front of us. The other girls gathered around.
“Alright, to stop him we need to get to him first. We are here.”
She pointed ata large dot on the map. We discovered we were in a city named Unity. We thought it was a beautiful name, but we did not understand why it was named that. Perhaps for all the different sorts of people it held?
“And we need to get here.”
Claire was now pointing at the largest dot on the map that had a golden star in its center. It was the capital city, and it was many miles away from Unity.
“The Capital will take perhaps a week and a half to reach. It depends on the transportation we can find and use. First we must pass through this forest.”
Now we were looking at a clump of black trees with a road leading through it. There was a collective shiver from the Sisters.
“Then we cross this large lake. Then we take the tunnels. And then we’re there.”
It sounded simple, but these sorts of things always did.
Claire put the map away and began to wander around through the crowd of girls. We were deathly curious about why it had to be us. But none of the other girls seemed [s]like they were [/s]willing to talk. We hoped that if we could get one of them alone without Claire they might explain a bit more, but our hopes were crushed as we observed the sisters more and more. Claire was always near as if she was in four or five places at once. And her sisters had absolute, unwavering loyalty to her it seemed. As even more time passed we began to see that their loyalty was well deserved. Claire spoke gently to them, she requested rather than ordered, she was logical and could solve any spat her sisters were having. As expected of having twenty girls in one room together, small arguments broke out frequently. Claire always appeared to quiet things down. She was a very good person we thought. We began to feel something for her as well.


Here you suddenly jump from describing the moment Claire put the map away, to describing a longer period. Explain it a bit more. Are the main characters staying with Claire and the girls for a long time? How long? What’s happening? You write ‘as even more time passed’, but what are the characters doing in that time?

Sweetyb1 wrote:She asked if we would help prepare food with her and two others. We were not terribly skilled in the kitchen, but she helped us every step of the way throughout the preparations, and soon we were carrying supper out to the group on trays made of some kind of creamy green stone. Streaks of darker and lighter green were spread throughout the material. We thought it was beautiful. As we dined, Claire told us that stone was called jade. It was not a very precious stone she said but she, her sisters, and Alexandra, the woman who owned the house, thought it was brilliant and made everything they could out of it.


Personally, I think the flow is much better here!

(I'm skipping again, no critique.)

Sweetyb1 wrote:We enjoyed a night in a comfortable bed in our own room. We slept peacefully and dreamt of the forest we had to venture into the next day. We were walking alongside Claire on a cobblestone road. Occasionally we would pass other travelers. Each looked odder than the one before them. None of them gave our party a second glance. The forest was beautiful. Sunlight pooled up in the grass and tickled the soles of our feet when we walked in it. Birds sang to each other, and we clapped when they finished their concertos. It was peaceful and a light breeze blew our hair back every so often. We awoke feeling tranquil and well rested. We were the only ones because we had not known it then, but the Sisters hadn’t wanted to get into bed not because they wanted to play more, but because they had not wanted morning to come. Because morning brought the star of our journey.


Here, you make it clear that the characters will leave the next day. But how much time has passed between this moment and the moment they met Claire and the girls? And why are they leaving now, why haven’t they left for their journey already? I’m also not really sure if the necklace-making is of much importance to the plot of the story. But maybe it is, that’s for you to decide. If not, I’d leave it out.

So, about the last part that I'm not quoting: you write 'shuttered' twice which should be 'shuddered', I think. Otherwise, not much to say. Anyway, I think I already said too much. :roll:

Good luck and have fun with the story!

The beginning was a bit confusing. You repeated falling too much when the paragraph could have been shortened if you said the were falling forward into the mirror. I also had to read over the first paragraph over twice to understand what what was going on. I think you should edit this so the descriptions aren't so confusing and maybe write a scene leading up to it that helps explain what's going on.

I didn't know the main chracters were girls until you mentioned the dresses being dirty and I still don't know what their names are.

Also the story didn't seem to follow a constant flow. It jumped from place to place with very little explaination. Maybe if you put less emphasis on the little things such as the jade and explained things more. The first point of view seems to be limiting this maybe you should think of switching it to a third point of view?



The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451