Published April 6, 2006
My eyes well up,
I gasp and I choke.
I can't even remember the last time we spoke.
It's what you wanted,
peaceful, I know,
I still wish it wasn't your time to go.
You always said 'you live to die',
so anything inbetween is a
gift from the sky.
I hope your gift was better than any
and I hope your in the sky
sending us many.
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Remember: don't sacrifice rhythm for rhyme. In this case, you've brutally murdered it. Example - first stanza. You try so hard to make it rhyme that the third line is too long and out of place. However, if you want a short-short-long pattern, you should have carried it on. Instead, your stanzas are inconsistent and this just looks bad. I don't really think you were thinking about effect here, either. The "any/many" rhyme in the last stanza is crude, and the last line is awkward. Its forced. I think a serious reconsideration of the structure of this poem is required to salvage it.