Published June 13, 2007
Locked in the basement
are secrets growing old;
tortured by their demons,
ever growing cold.
They stir in the basement
until the time is right;
to show their loved ones who they are,
to step into the light.
They rise to the surface
to echo out their past;
torturing the ones they love,
until they are the last.
They blow a haunting kiss,
a sly whisper in the ear.
They want to be free: But need to stay
to protect the ones held dear.
Are they best unleashed
or trapped in the pit of hell?
Only captors can decide -
are they true enough to tell?
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
should that be "...our secrets growing old..."?
First stanza -
Third stanza -
i like that you used the word "torture" twice.
Fourth stanza -
if you're going for the rhyme and rhythm bit, this came on a little forced to me. maybe word it differently.
over-all, i like the idea and concept. i like the sing-songiness of it, too. if you wanted to (just a suggestion) it could work as song lyrics.
I didn't like it.
Of course, it wasn't a bad poem. You rhymed, you punctuated, I love it. But it just didn't seem like a good poem to me. Why? Well I could say, "I don't know," but that wouldn't be fair to you :-p
The rhyming, though it didn't come off too forced, was annoying. It didn't work. Some poems just don't work with rhyming. This one, is a prime example. I couldn't tell you why, but it just didn't work.
The theme...idea, what ever, it didn't do anything for me. I didn't feel anything, I didn't care. You didn't even have a character. (Yes, I often times compare poetry to fiction.) If you had a character (Rather than a subject: secrets.) we could then see some one, fighting over whether to tell or not, and perhaps relate to them, and in the end, feel something.
It was just...talking about secrets. like I said: it didn't do anything for me.
Meaning. Pretty straightforward, and if you're going for sophisticated poetry, some subtlety would be nice...I do like that you introduce some sort of conflict or ambiguity with the questions in the last stanza, though.
Rhyme and rhythm. You did a good job; for the most part, the rhythm is consistent, you were true to your rhyme scheme, and none of the rhymes were incredibly and disgustingly forced. Yay! But...this poem sounds SO sing-songy. If that's the feeling you're going for, good job, but I'm really not a fan of the simplistic sing-songy childish feeling.
Conventions. Hurrah for correctness!
Colleen
The rhythm of this is a little off in places and a few of your rhymes are forced but I love the theme of this poem and the ending is very good. Also your spelling and grammar are accurate which always earns a gold star from me so keep up the good work.