Published January 30, 2006
Weakening smile,
dulling eyes,
There's the girl who's dead inside.
She mopes, she shouts,
she cries, she pouts,
shes immune to the lies
'cos shes the girl who's dead inside.
You can tease and stare,
laugh at her hair,
'cos shes the girl who's dead inside.
Snigger at her friends and what she wears,
she won't care..
'Cos shes dead inside
You called her names,
you played mean games
and now shes dead inside.
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I thought this poem was as dead as she is inside. Nothing about this moved me. Like xanthan said, the rhythm worked, but it didn't strike me as being particularly original. Perhaps take one or two of the stanzas in this version and try to capture more of hte emotion in between them. I kind of liked the last stanza, but I think it would work better as an intro and then go into more detail. I'm sure you've got better work than this, I just haven't read it (or can't remember reading it) or it has yet to be posted.
though the rhythm and rhyme all worked out, it was not something that internally struck me. i understand the view, which was actually sort of interesting, but the poetic language was absent, if not just severely lacking.
fix "shes" to "she's"
and fix "'cos" i don't care how, but just fix it. it's informal, i understand, but it doesn't add any affect, but simply takes it away. i'd rather you write "cause".