“Gone”
When I see him
A shadow standing on my doorstep late at night,
When I feel him
His hands ghosting over my trembling frame,
When I hear him
Whispering that same song in my ear,
An inner peace.
But like the night,
He won't be here for long.
And when he climbs out of my window,
He leaves my heart a shattered mirror on the floor.
And when he walks out of my lonely room,
He leaves his love for me behind.
But in these crumpled sheets,
I can smell him.
But in the shadows cast upon the wall,
I can see him.
But wrapped up in his shirt,
I can feel him.
But in the absence of that sweet song, the wind whistles to me and tries my tears,
I know he was here.
He was once a shadow upon my doorstep,
He was once a ghost on my trembling frame,
But as the sun rises...
I know
He left me behind.
End
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This didn't make sense. I'll just use the end as an example:
It makes more sense that you would say "He is still here" for the last line. You're giving all of these examples of what he was: a shadow, a ghost, all of which give the idea that he wasn't here before. If he wasn't there before, and he isn't there now - well I don't see how he was with you to have left you behind.In all of the "but" lines, I was also confused. "But" indicates a contradiction. For example: "I'd say I love this poem, BUT that wouldn't be the truth." You have this part:
which states that when he leaves, he DOES leave his love behind. But... you still use the word "but". What are you contradicting? Maybe you meant to say he isn't here, BUT I feel/smell/see him.
Jack's right. You need to write two reviews. Please do so before you post anything else. Two reviews for every one thing you post. Otherwise we might [s]eat you[/s] not be so nice.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Bravo.
Now that was a great poem that flowed extremely well and I really enjoyed it. I truly liked that a lot. I don't really have any things for you to change, as I read through it without seeing anything wrong and it just read so nice. I am sure there are little tiny things wrong somewhere (maybe not), but o well.
Top poem I have read in weeks here.
Also, you need 2 reviews for every piece or work you submit.