z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Vice

by SweetMarie


It never dies, it never dies.

It never ever ever dies.

It's settled deep inside my chest,

And will never ever give me rest.

I can climb or claw or beg or pray,

But it never ever goes away.

Like an aching in my skull,

That’s never gonna ever dull.

To everyone’s constant, obnoxious surprise,

It never ever ever dies.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
257 Reviews


Points: 6130
Reviews: 257

Donate
Sat Mar 07, 2015 1:58 pm
Tuesday wrote a review...



Hello CapitalMonday here. I would like to begin about how you repeat the words of this poem to create a tone within the poem and how you use imagery into this poem. The tone of this poem is that you want to escape the monster within yourself but you can't since the monster inside yourself is pulling you around on an invisible thread. You scratch and fight and punch but at the end, you fail and the monster is still within your body. So you lay there unsure about what to do and you lay there, the monsters in your chest and in your mind are winning.

The imagery in this poem is like a blank canvas. Since the reader can imagine limitless possibilities to what might you be doing. How you were feeling or how you were looking? these can be the possible question the readers might ask or maybe they don't want to a answer questions and would rather read it.

Anyway, I think i could relate to this poem since mostly every night, I try to sleep but there are fights in my head telling me a story or telling me not to go to sleep before a school night. This poem is a well-written poem and I wish i could write like you.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:57 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



Hi SweetMarie,

This had a great beat to it. That's a pleasant surprise as there's plenty of poets who cannot work our metre, so I was glad to see you have that essential down already.

My suggestions:

Like an aching in my skull,

That’s never gonna ever dull.


The change in tone is strange here - the writing is mostly formal before this, and then you switch to a colloquial tone - "gonna" is very conversational. Also "gonna ever" sounds very informal. How about -

Like an aching in my skull,
That will never ever dull.

This fits in with the repetition of "never ever" in the rest of your poem.

My main complaint with this poem is although it has a good beat and the repetition makes it sound like a slam poem, almost, its content is lacking. The title, in fact, gives us the biggest clue to the message of the poem, while the words of the poem themselves could almost apply to anything. If the words alone do not tell the reader what this is about, you are failing to properly convey your message through the poem. Honestly this could be about anything from the film Alien to teenage love.

Provide more context through less vague language and ground the poem in something real, and this will be a complete poem. At the moment it is something with a nice metre and a good sound, but nothing more.




SweetMarie says...


Thanks! I probably should have mentioned in the description, I'm working on a weird novel project where the story is told through two writers journals, so the poem would be put in context (hopefully successfully) But, I appreciate the feedback, you and the iron novelist have given me a lot to think about. This isn't really my forte of poetry, so I'm trying to grow!



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 623
Reviews: 30

Donate
Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:10 pm
Inked wrote a review...



Inked here!
This sounds a lot like lyrics to a song.
I mean it's nice and all, but. It isn't exactly deep.
I suggest trying to make the poem longer, and going into emotions. Also a good idea is to give it a setting somewhere where it can take shape. It has a lot of potential.
if it is song lyrics, then you should try to make it longer anyway.
Peace out!
~Inked. :)




User avatar
169 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 169

Donate
Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:49 pm
theironnovelist wrote a review...



I like the rhythm and the abstract feel of this poem.
Is this a piece from a song or full set of lyrics you're working on?

Lyrics are less...well, poetic, than straight poetry. There's less room for description and, depending, sometimes little imagery or symbolism.
So my revision suggestions will be mostly about conventions/format.

It never dies, it never dies.

It never ever ever dies.

So here, I'd change the format to make it easier to read, and an easier flow.
i.e.

It never dies,
It never dies.
It never,
Ever,
Ever dies.

or

It never dies, it never dies.
It never, ever, ever dies.

Something along these lines. Just make sure there's commas to separate repeated words. The rhythm and rhyme is easy enough for our brains to read with the correct spacing/pausing, so the commas just make it more distinct.

It never ever ever dies.

It's settled deep inside my chest,

And will never ever give me rest.

I can climb or claw or beg or pray,

But it never ever goes away.

Try editing to:

It never, ever, ever dies.
It's settled deep inside my chest,
And it will never
Ever give me rest.

I can climb, claw, beg or pray,
But it never ever goes away.

Or:

It never,
Ever,
Ever dies.
It's settled deep inside my chest,
And it will never, ever give me rest.

I can climb, claw, beg, or pray,
But it never
Ever
Goes away.

A million ways to change this. You might not want to do it exactly like this, because I'm more into traditional poetry, not lyrics.
Just make sure that if you want to keep the 'or's in that line, you take out either 'climb' 'claw' 'beg' or 'pray' so that there's a right amount of syllables. It seems too long with all of them in.

Good job for a first work! And hey, welcome to YWS! (I should have greeted you first)
Let me know if you need anything at all or have questions:) Everyone is here to help, so they should be very kind!
Hope I helped

Yours,
~iron.n




SweetMarie says...


It's not lyrics. I'm in the middle of a sort of odd project, actually. It's a very simple novel told through the diaries of two poets, so I think it makes more sense in context. That's why it's super abstract, because the story is supposed to give it context. I really really appreciate the tips about it reading better, because that's always something I've struggled with. I've always been someone who wrote long lines and very structured syllable counts, but I've been trying to branch out a bit. Thanks, though, you were beyond helpful!





sounds awesome! glad I could help




With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus