Why are you downcast, o soul?
Never let your body and soul fall
When the stones of the earth roll
He’ll rescue you when you call
Don’t let yourself be missed
Don’t be discouraged, please
‘Cause He’ll make the rain cease
And protect you with a magical kiss
Forget the word “never”
Always remember that He is our Master
He’ll never fail us as our Father
And His love will endure forever
So do not feel downcast
Even days will pass fast
His love will cover vast
Forever He will last
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
Very nice spiritual poem here. I like that you based it on a specific scripture.
Just a couple things that could be fixed a bit:
"magical kiss" just is a little bit too much in my opinion. It makes religion sound like magic, which is never a good thing.
Also, your rhymes seemed a little forced. I know you probably just wanted to make this rhyme because rhyming is cool, but I don't think you needed it to get your point across. But it didn't detract too much, so if you want to leave it there, that's fine too. This forced-ness is especially obvious in the end though. If you wouldn't say it as you're speaking normally, it's probably forced. Write out what you want to say first, then see if rhyming can fit it nicely.
I think adding punctuation might help a little in understanding and clarification. You have a question mark there at the beginning, so to maintain consistency, maybe you'd want to have punctuation the whole way through?
But otherwise, I enjoyed this simple poem. It was nice. ^-^
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Hello, Jamie! Here to review on your work! I'm Brunnera, by the way.
First of all, I really think that this should also go under the "Literature" genre. It has a kind of old-style English touch to it, and honestly, the language of the work is stunning.
I love how you introduced the reader into the poetry with a rather old-style question. The religious touch is also fascinating, and you've very well portrayed you assurance and "His" power into flawless lines of description with ease.
" Forget the word “never”
Always remember that He is our Master "
These two words somehow make me feel so small. It reminds oneself that we have a God to worship, and to make me feel that way means you have successfully conveyed emotion into your words. Well done!
I have one nit-pick though-- to add commas and full-stops. Your poetry lacked those, and I do find it quite disturbing. But, I'm no expert in poetry, it's merely a reader's opinion! xD
Anyway, thanks for a nice read!
~Brunnera
First of all I like the direction this is going. I like the spiritual aspect of it and the way it's written works but if it is going to be a religiously interpretable piece I think you should put a little more emphasis on "him". One of the negatives was it was a little repetitive but also not repetitive enough. It was in that middle ground where the poem was to short to use that but also it wasn't short enough to be poetically repetitive. All and all focus your idea down a little and I think this is a really good and inspiring poem, thank you for sharing.