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A Black Girl's Tale (edited)

by Swavvy123


I

you was a lonely girl looking for someone t’ love

you was at a party with some friends

when they came up to you real nice and good looking

can i fill your glass they ask

can i have this dance they ask

and you just wondering if you did your hair good //

II

you talk to them all night and they charming and sweet

and you can see that your heart wants to be with their heart

but one day you hear them talking to some chick

and they asked if they know you and they shake their heads like hell naw í ain’t never seen her before

and you feel its gotta be a mistake right?

so you run back to them and bury yourself in they scent //

III

but too soon

they begin to fill your ears with 700 empty promises and forget to keep ‘em

they wring you and hang your love out to dry like yesterday’s laundry

they swallow up your pleas and what have i done's and í’m sorry’s and bury them in the pit of theyselves

you can see your words suffocating inside them

you’re left crawling,clutching at the tiniest bits of them

like you got blood and they jesus //

IV

they lead you on in this savage game of tug o’ war

but joke’s on you cause you can only lose

then when it gets too much for them

when it’s no longer a matter of why but when

when they feel it in the very core of theyselves that they absolutely cannot put up with your flawfull awful bawling self

they vomit you up and wipe you clean out of they lives

you’re out in one hundred glimmering pieces like you done been touched by midas //

V

after your voice has gone hoarse from screaming their name

after your eyes have gone dry from emptying yourself each night

after you’ve made aberration after aberration on your silky skin

after your soul has finally gone dry like the mighty sahara //

VI

you open your eyes

and you decide

ain't no silly weed gonna tame this sunflower

you get up and smooth your hair

stand up straight

and breathe in some air //

VII

you can taste the smile on your face

maybe even something resembling joy

you can feel your soul glowing again

and you know there ain’t a thing wrong with you

they probably just couldn’t handle all your light //

VIII

it doesn’t matter anyway

you heard there was an accident on 49th street

and they was in it.


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Sun May 07, 2017 8:06 pm



This was a nice poem with an interesting plot twist!




Swavvy123 says...


Thank you very much!



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Fri May 05, 2017 5:38 pm
Swavvy123 says...



Since there were so many complaints about the lack of pauses (which wasn't my fault) I decided to add the slashes and the roman numerals to indicate that there should be a pause here and there.




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Fri May 05, 2017 2:59 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I really liked the story it told. Some of the lines were hard to read because of the accent you chose to write in. I liked the accent, but it isn't what I'm used to (which doesn't make the accent a bad thing, just remember that it will be harder for some people to understand).

I loved the title, but the title is kinda misleading because you didn't mention anything about flowers in the poem.

The plot twist at the end made me read it again (good job). Overall, good job with the poem but like others have said, punctuation would be helpful. I read through this too quickly because the punctuation didn't make me stop for a minute when pauses would help with communicating the story better.




Swavvy123 says...


Thank you very much for reviewing this.
Like I said below, I did break it up to indicate pauses since I didn't want to use commas but when I published it, it went back to this. I don't know what to do.

Also, that's actually not the title of the story and I should probably go change it lol

As for the accent...maybe if you tried reading it in your head with a black American ghetto accent that would help? I'm actually Nigerian can you imagine? haha

thanks again
cheers!



Thisislegacy says...


You're welcome. I'm glad that you changed the title. It makes much more sense now.



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Thu May 04, 2017 11:03 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey so, I don't usually review poetry, but I think it's time I learn how to do it properly. Just to warn you that this review might be a bit overly-formulaic til I figure out what I'm doing.

First impressions: I think this is an interesting message to get across and I can feel the emotion in it because I feel like I can imagine your character. It also felt like a bit of a blur though.

Flow: You made good use of long lines when your speaker went off on tangents because their mind was running away from them. This confused me a little, but I could tell the speaker was confused too, so it makes sense for that to be what's supposed to happen.

Structure: What I meant by a blur is that when I reflect on this poem I see a couple of different stages. I think because it all happened so fast, the seeing the girl and the relationship happening and the relationship collapsing would make sense as a blur. But I think the bit at the end where your speaker comes to their epiphany would be more impactful if it was separated out a bit. It would be the structure breaking away, as well as them. Then of course, you could separate the last two lines as well, to give them even more impact, and turn the twist on its head.

Clichés and originality: I liked the use of the word "aberration". It sounds really savage and abnormal, which is a really vivid way to think of someone self-harming, which is what I assume this was about. The "tug o' war" bit could maybe be counted as a cliché though. The title is really cool though. Although it would be nice to see that a bit more in the poem itself.

Overall originality (? I will refine these categories): I think this is very original in what it says. The idea that we feel happy about bad things happening to people we don't like is something I'm sure a lot of us feel guilty about. I recently found out my bully from school is going to jail, and I really don't want to be happy about it, but a part of me can't stop being smug. I'm not sure if it's in dialect for a reason but if it is you might want to make that clearer. If not, fair enough, lots of people write in their dialects.

Could you do me a favour and give me some feedback on this review? I really want to git gud at reviewing poetry :)

Hope this helps,
Biscuits




Swavvy123 says...


Hi,
I actually did break it up into stanzas but when i published it, it came back to this. I actually just tried to edit it but it doesn't work.

I'm really happy you took time out to review this but I have a few questions/disagreements.

Firstly, I agree that the tug o' war part may not exactly fit but can you suggest what you feel may fit better?

I also didn't want to dwell too much on the stages which is why it goes quite fast. I wanted you to focus on her and how she felt and how her thoughts are like. I wanted it to be clear that she was in an anxious state of mind.

I'm actually Nigerian so this isn't how I speak but I really liked the way it sounded with this accent so I stuck to it. I feel like it won't have given off the same effect if it were written normally and punctuated and stuff. You could look up Ntozake Shange (For colored Girl's author) to see what I mean.

THANK YOU for recognizing the use of the run on lines!
lol

I think you did a pretty good review but you can't really use predefined structures to understand poetry. Next time just try and focus on how the poem made you feel because I think that's what matters most.
Thanks again!
Cheers



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Thu May 04, 2017 11:01 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there Swavvy123 and greetings from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

The serious business things
1. So first things that we've got to talk about is punctuation and stanzas. When I first pulled up this work, the first thought that came to mind, was about how this was just one long wall of text with nothing to separate it. I really think that adding some stanzas would behoove you, in the manner of your own examination for editing and a way of attracting some more attention.

2. And in relation to stanzas, the inconsistent lengths of the lines is a bit bothering as well, though this isn't usually something that I would bring up. I'm only really mentioning it because it effects the flow of your poem and the organization of content, both things I make a point to mention. The flow sort of just hangs and gets stuck at the end of long lines, making it kind of hard for the reader to move past those things.

3. Punctuation would also be a useful thing to implement to help out a bit with the flow and also relates a bit to stanzas and separating out ideas. No matter how you refer to the grammar rules of poetry, you will occasionally need some commas here and there to help move the ideas along. I'd go with the regular format of definite periods at the end of stanzas (if you go that way but really to find good break spots, you have to make imaginary stanza breaks).

The Actual Content
The previous reviewer already went a bit into this and I think you'll also have a few more reviews on this before the night is done. In my limited poetry experience, I'm not going to say much more than this bounces around a bit too much. It's changing scenery every few lines and it's also changing its mood and style, something that just kept on tripping me up. The repetition is also a bit too much in some spots. It just doesn't give off enough emotion or emphasis to make it worth your while. It does have the nice twist at the end, that gave this poem a few redeeming qualities in my mind.

Well that's really all I've got to say for tonight. If you want to talk about this review, just shoot me a pm.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz




Swavvy123 says...


Hi there.
Tough review to read lol
Firstly, like I mentioned above, I did actually break it into stanzas but when I published it, it became the way it is.

I wrote it in all small letters with no punctuation for a reason actually. Simply because, I wanted it to be a fast read, enunciating some parts. I think it was heavily influenced by spoken word I watched before I wrote it LOL. I also put the one period at the last line to kind of establish a sense of finality.

Also,it's longer in some parts and others because I wanted the sentence to run on and I simply could not see how I could break it up. I wanted it to be a run on...then a pause...do you get my drift? I also think it helps if you try and read it with the accent...Like 'how you would read a Tom Sawyer book.

I'll edit it and try and make the stanzas show this time. Please check back and re-read it when that has happened.

It changes mood because the person is going through different phases and I'm not quite sure where it changed style...I barely even used repetition though...could you give an example of where it may have been unnecessary?

Like I said, this is my first major attempt at poetry and I was asked to write it so...

Also, I feel like every piece of poetry connects with some people (which it did) and doesn't connect with others, which is okay, I guess.

Nonetheless, thank you so much for your review and I will edit it as much as I can.
Cheers!



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Thu May 04, 2017 7:37 pm
dalisay wrote a review...



Hey there! This poem caught my eye so I thought I'd read and review it!

One of my favorite lines was:

it doesn’t matter anyway

you heard there was an accident on 49th street

and they was in it


I read this and was like WHOA PLOT TWIST. This poem overall told a tragic story in a beautiful way and I admired the use of dialect in here. I don't see too many people attempt to use this kind of dialect in poetry which makes it so much more unique. Bravo!

One thing I'd like to point out though is the flow of the poem overall. I felt as if it wasn't broken up in some spots as well as others. Such as,

and you feel its gotta be a mistake right and you run back to them and bury yourself in they scent


I felt as if this line was like a run on sentence in an essay. it felt as if it needed a little bit of a break like a comma or something to give the reader a pause for a "dramatic effect".

How I would fix it is to rewrite this as,

and you feel its gotta be a mistake, right?

so you run back to them and bury yourself in they scent


I feel as if a comma and a break in lines gives the reader more to follow. it felt like as I was reading it I was skimming and reading faster. However, I thought the dialect and good use of imagery to paint a mental picture was amazing!

Keep writing!
~Galaxy




Swavvy123 says...


Thank you very much,
I'll definitely try and look into it.




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley