18+ Language Violence

To the Dregs [Part I]

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

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TO THE DREGS

It was a sunny but dreary day, as the sky was filled with smoke and the ambience of gunfire and explosions, both near and far. Rebels were keeping low, weaving from cover to cover as they advanced through the ruins of 4th street. A booming, monotone voice was heard blaring from every loudspeaker on the block.

"DISSIDENTS MUST SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY." 

But Marsha didn't know what the point of that would have been. If you threw your hands up, they'd usually reward your cooperation with a bullet. Maybe interrogate you first, but you were always shot in the end. Rebels were classified as treasonists, not prisoners of war, and were treated accordingly whenever captured.

There was an explosion nearby, shaking the ground and showering the young woman with dust. She coughed and pulled her shirt up over her nose as she regained her footing. She broke out of her cover and briefly took to the street, quickly taking refuge from the chatter of machine guns behind a blackened auto wreck. Another dusty insurgent crawled amok the rubble piled up in the street, and eventually rolled down next to Marsha. The man's name was Derrick, a rebel of roughly equal rank to Marsha, but with some perceived sense of authority that transcended his rank. He reached down and pulled back the charging handle of his rifle, before letting it snap back forward. "We all good?" he asked, slapping her on the shoulder before releasing a series of hacking coughs into the sleeve of his coat. The dust really got to him.

"Yeah-- Good for now," Marsha replied, hiding her scowl. She noticed a fighter step out from behind a ruined wall, a rocket-propelled grenade launcher at the ready. Though, fate did not grace him with the few seconds he needed to actually fire it off. A machine gunner must have spotted him, for he was immediately riddled with bullets and blown backwards into a bloody heap, his launcher falling uselessly to the side.

"DISSIDENTS MUST SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY."

"Goddamn it..." Marsha winced. That voice sounded all the more ferocious. Marsha began to notice a few rebels falling back from their positions at the front. They were losing ground, and most of all, morale.  "Fucking cowards," Derrick muttered. Derrick always tried to convey a sense of stern coolness, but Marsha could clearly see him shaking, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. A few fleeing rebels managed to escape behind the heaps of rubble that were entangling the street, but several of them were shot down before they could do so. Only those brave enough to stay willfully behind or too terrified to flee remained.

Things were going according to plan only a few minutes ago; they thought they were clear to advance. They didn't anticipate the military surging out to meet them. Though, perhaps they should have seen it coming. You had to always assume that the army was going to be aggressive.

There was a terrible mechanical rumble approaching, and Marsha felt her teeth chatter. A spurt of machine gun fire peppered the area next to her and Derrick, and both of them yelped as they huddled in closer together. Through the dust and smoke, a massive tank began ambling through the ruins of the street. Its turret rotated ever so slightly, before the deafening roar of its cannon was heard, engulfing a building some distance behind them in a fiery explosion. 

"Shshhhit!" Marsha uttered, her heart hammering so fast she thought it would burst inside her chest. It was already encroaching on the remnants of the rebels' cover, its hateful treads crunching over the corpses of men and abandoned vehicles alike. Derrick wasn't calm anymore-- he couldn't even pretend to be calm at this point. He quickly became a hypocrite in regards to his earlier "fucking cowards" remark. "Gawd... we need to get fuck out of here!" His voice was now panicked, but at least it was genuine. "Stay down, stay down!" urged Marsha, knowing he'd be splattered against the rubble if he decided to break away now. The tank was too close, and it was rigged with machine guns all the way up its ass.

They had to wait for their moment. Further ahead of them, Marsha saw a few less-fortunate rebels that were caught in the tank's path. One of the soldiers made a last-ditch effort to cover his fleeing comrades with an anti-tank rifle. A hopeless effort, for such an outdated piece of equipment couldn't even dent that iron monster. Perhaps it worked on the tanks of the past, but they might as well be called "anti-jeep guns" nowadays.

Alas, the heroic rebel and his friends were blown to gory smithereens. As this was happening, Marsha and Derrick stood up bolted to their right. Luckily, the otherwise-occupied tank didn't fire a single shot at them. They dove behind a makeshift palisade of rusty dumpsters in a nearby alley, beginning to crawl on all fours. 

Marsha didn't truly expect to survive the end of this, but that didn't make her any less keen on trying. If she died resisting the Resurgents, then so be it.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Swarx Comment

I decided to rename this.

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Costa
Review
Costa wrote a review · Sun May 29, 2016 2:59 pm

Off to a good start, this. Your descriptions of what's going on are on point and I can very clearly envision the action, the grim state of the world that's being presented.

You mentioned in a comment below that you'll be showing character info later and that's fine - this feels more like a prologue anyway. One thing that could be added on this one, however, are faces. Just some small description on how Marsha and Derrick actually look like, to help bring the reader in and connect with the characters. I don't know how important they'll actually be to the plot but, right now, they're front and center. You can't leave them faceless in a situation like that.

Since you're not in a first person POV, nothing's stopping you from giving a quick look of hair, skin and eye color, build and notable features. Anything that can help us paint a clearer picture.

Finally, I reckon it'd be more like "Shiiiiit!" than "Shshhhit!" :)

Not much else to go over right now but I like what I've seen.

Keep at it!

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JustJasper
Review

I really enjoye your story and I think you wrote it really really well! There is not much that I would suggest fixing, I liked your drescriptions of things and would like to see more like that in the future. The part that is concerning to me is when Derrick is being a hypocrite. You do not need to point out that he is being a hypocrite your readers should be able to infer that based on his previous comments he is one. Make those readers work for it!
I love how you wrote this battle scene, everything seemed to flow together really well. In the future I think it would be good to introduce a specific member of the regime to be your main villain. It would also be a good idea to give each rebel a reason to fight the regime regardless of if you ever write it into the story. That way the readers become more attached to your characters and will be able to relate to them more.
Hope this was helpful!

not much character info is revealed in this one, yeah. i plan on expanding on this.

but i'm not sure about having a "main villain" in this. it's a story about people surviving against a draconian society in general, not one person in particular. i mean, i might introduce a villain if it ever becomes appropriate, but i don't think having a "big bad" at the moment would be very realistic.

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Jyva
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is this YA satire

yeah, i'm assuming you mean "Young Adult" right



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics