She walked, arms spread wide
Five Storeys high
On top of a fence
……………….
When she turns and twirls
Open eyes face the town
No sound remain
……………..
When she jumped up and down
Close eyes to the pool
To her reflection glaring back
…………..
I do not know why she walk
Or twirl and jump
In corpses’ ground
…………..
She opens her mouth
The names echo on
To the bodies and back
………….
She is life rejoicing
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138,658 Literary Works • 672,190 Reviews
I liked it. A lot actually. To some people it may not make sense, but I understand where you were going with it. Well done. But you need to work on pulling your reader into the poem. I felt detached from the story. Work on your imagery! It will be to your advantage. Trust me. I like how you made it grim, but you could feel that spark of hope. The AOI dots aren't really needed though, as alfredsymon said. They mess up the flow to me.
Other than a few typos, "Storeys", there's nothing really wrong with this poem to me. Just keep working at it! I'd love to hear more from you!
Sunny! Hey, Alf here for a very short Quick Critique on your lovely poem, Life Rejoicing!
There is a spark of hope almost everywhere although the imagery was dark. Good combination of contradicting themes of happiness and torment. The way it skips on either is simply playful. I also adore the idea that a lovely lady dances over the grave o another, pretty wicked, eh? The reason behind all of those were untold, and this fact makes me want more.
CONTENT & THEME:
Lovely
FLOW:
Intriguing enough, how you used the AOI (the dots which break stanzas) seemed a bit out of place. It's actually very useful, but the primary use of those markings are to differentiate a stanza or paragraph to another. If I'm right it's called parataxis. It seems, though, that each of your stanzas cohere to each other, so it would be better to slash off those AOI's. If these are conventions, though, I don't any prob on it, but I do recommend you to save those dots for another work.
On the flow, well, it's pretty narrative, so the progression of the story is highly noticeable. There were no climax or high points, though, so it's there's no parts which tend to push out the adrenaline. Try including a part wherein readers can both enjoy and see a revelation, something that is 'apart' from everything else.
GRAMMAR & STYLE:
There are not much to say on the grammar side, this is a poem so it's hard to comment much. I do have some stuff to say about your style. I see that you you write in a third person view, narrating the story is your stuff. But it seems that the poem lacks a bit of color. See, I didn't see much, or feel much, or hear much, I just witnessed the scene and that's the end of it. I do wish that, in any case that you edit your piece, you add some figurative verses and more description, try to show instead of tell. I need to empathize this poem, so try expressing your emotions more.
THE VERDICT:
This is a very nice narrative poem, it just needs some pushing on color since it's a bit tell-y, nothing like a good working would do!
Good luck writing and happy Holidays!
Your pal
Al