When Your Heart Beats (A short excerpt)

Hello!
Your piece has been rather extensively critiqued, so I don't have much room left. Anyway, I was wondering if you plan to make this part of a novella/novel or something? If so, then:

My name is Vanessa Amber Jones, but everyone just calls me Vee. I live in a house in Stratford, Ontario with my best friend Blake. The house is a little small, but we make out okay. I work at Starbucks, but mainly I’m an author. Unfortunately, my salary isn’t exactly sky high so I live off ramen noodles for the most part.

Blake works as a schoolteacher in the local elementary school, he teaches 1st graders and special education kids. He isn’t currently with anybody, although he keeps mentioning there’s a girl he’s really interested in.

Hi there!
Can I just say I love your title? I don't know why, I just do. It's so cool.

Great job on the first few paragraphs, they caught my attention quick, you jumped straight into the action.

The house is a little small, but we make out okay.

“Damn Vee, that’s the third one this week. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? Maybe if you just let it out, it won’t bother you as much. Come on Vee, don’t be so down, it’s Christmas.”

He turned away to return back to his bedroom, coffee mug in hand, when suddenly a wave of recollection came over his features.

far more petrifying than a serial killer's diary.

Thank you Silver for the great feedback, your review was very detailed and gave me the kind of editing I'd been hoping for
The other students at my school usually just notice that it has a few big words, claim it's genius, and toss it aside. I'm glad you took the time to fix my grammar, and especially to give me some incite on how to spice up the piece! I'll be editing and re-uploading as soon as I can.

Hm, this is an interesting story. It's a bit hard to critique because the style reminds me so much of my own, but it'll be a nice challenge. So, in general, I do really like it but after the dream part it gets a little... boring. Perhaps during the dream you use more surreal phrasing and describe things more. Also, SAID IS YOUR FRIEND.

A hard smack across the face sent me stumbling backwards against the wall. I shrieked out in shock and pain as my fingertips instinctively went to my cheek and grazed, grazing over the sensitive skin. He stared down at his hand in surprise as well, as if he were shocked by his own rage.

A few slow tears escaped the corners of my eyes and fell down the stinging skin of my cheeks. “You’re an animal.” I spat out at him before slamming the door shut in his face and leaving him behind forever.

I had no idea where I’d been headingI would go, but anywhere was better than there.I wound up curling up into a ball and dozing off on a bench in a nearby park. He never found me, and I’m certain he never even bothered searchinglooking.

I woke up to see a man standing over me, a worried look on his face. Give me more of the sudden wake-up. What is the narrator feeling? How is she reacting?

“Blake…?” I mumbled out sleepily, my eyes glossed over with exhaustion. Here, I would give the struggle that the narrator goes through trying to open her eyes, rather than saying their glazed over with exhaustion.

“Yes Vee I would have a little term of endearment here instead of 'Vee'. It makes the dialogue sound more realistic, it’s Blake. You were crying in your sleep again.,” he said with a sigh, his eyes clouded with sadness eyes don't really cloud with sadness. Perhaps describe how is eyelids were drooping, how he was frowning, and maybe even how his eyes clouded with /tears/. Otherwise they wouldn't really be clouded.... He always worried too much over my nightmares, and I always refused to tell him what they were about. It was just something that happened in the past… something done and over with. It wasn’t a part of my life now.

My name is Vanessa Amber Jones, but everyone just calls me Vee. I live in a house in Stratford, Ontario with my best friend Blake. The house is a little small, but we make out okay. I work at Starbucks, but mainly I’m an author. Unfortunately, my salary isn’t exactly sky high so I live off ramen noodles for the most part.

Blake works as a schoolteacher in the local elementary school, he teaches 1st graders and special education kids. He isn’t currently with anybody, although he keeps mentioning there’s a girl he’s really interested in.

I don’t like to poke around in his business, but if he ever settled down I’d probably have to squeeze into a cheaper apartment and live alone. I don’t tell him this though, if he wanted to be with this woman he loves, who am I to stop him?

“Sorry, guess it was just a bad dream…” I muttered under my breath, hoping he would drop it and not press for me to spillme for more information.

“Damn, Vee, that’s the third one this week. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? Maybe if you just let it out, it won’t bother you as much. Come on Vee, don’t be so down, it’s almost? Christmas.” Blake said to me, there was a look of sadness in his eyes as he stared down at meyou've said this before. Come up with something new.. I was nestled between the folds of the sheets, cowering back from the lingering thoughts of my nightmare.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Do you want some breakfast?” I asked gingerly, a fake smile twisted on my pale lips. He sighed and looked down, dismissing the topicthough I could tell he was still worried about me[/s ] though he bit his lip [or something], betraying that he was still worried about me.

“I already made something, thanks.” He turned away to return [s]back to his bedroom, coffee mug in hand, when suddenly a wave of recollection came over his features HOW SO?. “I almost forgot to mention Oh, there’s a letter for youthat came in the mail where else would a letter come?. I left it on the counter; it’s probably just a Christmas card.” He said, grinning as he brought the mug to his lips. He then exited the room in the same manner he had come, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

After pondering it for a few moments, I came to the conclusion that I would eventually have to slump crawl, or the like out of my bed sheets and open that damn letter. The kitchen tile was cold against my feet as I walked, and my toes curling up in my socks as I came to a stop at the counter.

Scrawled in tight, messy letters, all bent to one side, read:
“For Vannessa Jones”

I sighed and questioned wondered if my mother had finally tipped off the iceberg and was really losing her head. She must’ve forgotten to address it and write her name on the return address. I wondered how she’d managed to get it here if there was no address written on it while my fingers fumbled with the seal. Eh... I like the subject of this paragraph, but it's not very well written. I would suggest describing the envelope a little more, don't just come in with 'she forgot the address'.

I finally broke it open, and my eyes cast down on it in a moment of astonishment and horror. The name at the bottom of the letter read “Justin”.

My fingertips began to shake profusely, the whole letter becoming wrinkledas my hands trembledredundant. Before I knew it, I was trembling all over, my body sliding down to the floor, that horrible piece of paper sitting in my lap like a death sentence; far more petrifying than a serial killer's diary.

I think it's pretty good so far. You did a good job of drawing readers in with the first paragraph.

So is this the first part of your novel? If so, you may want to weave in their descriptions before you get the the overall story first. Also, give a little more description in the paragraph when you describe her. Why is she living with Blake? What does the house look like? Give a little more detail on the character so we could get to know her better. Remember we know nothing about these two, so state the obvious.

I also likes the ending of the excerpt; it left the readers curious and wanting more. Its going great so far so keep up the good work