You crawled into my mouth
And became the only word to escape my lips.
You overthrew my brain,
And now control my thoughts.
You slipped into my stomach
And filled it up with butterflies
You tickled my lips
And curled them into a smile.
You rubbed against my cheeks
And left an eternal blush.
You snuck into my heart
And built yourself a home.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey.. So I'm just gonna ignore all the errors for 2 reasons.. firstly 'cause people before me have already done the job...and secondly because (being a nutter for romance) I can just think of one word: WOW!! Seriously..its short but you've said so much in these lines... absolutely fab!! Well done!!
Harshita:)
Hey Insanity! Dogs here with your review today! This is a good poem, short, simple, and gets your point across. It is really cute
. I like the idea of having some one creating a home in your heart that is really good poem topic and it's cute. Anyways I have a few quick nit picks....
So this poem is very good but it still has some room for improvement. I feel like this poem needs more UMPH! A little more PIZZAZ! "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHINNEEEE" (Billy Elliot). Sorry bad musical analogies... anywho! You need some more depth in this poem. And two big ways you can do that is by either add much more emotion or imagery. You have a really good start for an Emotional style of writing. This is a very difficult style of writing because it forces you to express your emotions through words which is not an easy task. Now, like I said, this is a great start but you need to add some more into this to increase emotions, your goal in this poem is to make the reader feel what you or your character feels in the poem. A way you can do this is talk about what happens when he touches you? What happens when he is near you? What does his breath smell like? How does that make you feel? What color is his eyes? What happens to you when you look into his eyes? Does your stomach drop? Does your heart leap? Use personification in here to increase emotion and tell the reader just how you feel!
Now imagery, building off what I just said, really dosn't go to well with this great poem you already have going but it is making the reader see or feel or hear what you see, feel, or hear. But in this instance i think you should just stick to the emotional writing.
This is a great start for a poem and it has so much potential to be a great poem! Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Oh, this is really sweet and short and well written. I love how, for the most part, you avoid cliches. Perhaps change the butterflies-in-my-stomach line, describe it more originally, but I'm not sure if that's necessary. Other than that, I would suggest beginning every other line with a lower case (and instead of And) but that's mostly stylistic.
quick and simple. it's not really so much of the flow of this that i like because i don't think it flows but it seems more that it's not meant to. it seems more to just be 'i love you' to that special someone