There was a time of angels and death,
they through their bodys in a dirt like trench,
they did expirements and torchered the inoccent,
they swiftly came alive with there scalpules and
knifes, they had no feeling nor self expression,
they look at us like bait with exclusion, why us
we ask but no answer is to come, we try and escape
but theirs no where to run, they find us hiding
and cut out our tounges, they take us back and
dismember our bodys till only blood and flesh are
left on the ground, their savage like manor made it
very clear that the angels of death are always near.
(Based upon josef mengele)
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hello, SwaggVicious! This poem is immensely morbid and macabre. I read the first three lines and said to myself, “This sounds like Josef mengele”, and I was correct. There are a few spelling mistakes in the poem that need to be corrected; other than that, it is an interesting poem.
Angel of Death is deeply unsympathetic and stern, and that just adds to the level of creativity in your poem. The poem is obviously based on Mengele and Nazi experimentation. So I would say: you captured the harsh, unsympathetic realities of the Nazis really well.
Hey SwaggVicious!
. It was an absolute pleasure to read your work. Please keep in mind to check for grammatical mistakes which I felt there were a few.
Like the username, I must say. I really enjoyed this poem. It had this danger, scariness to it mixed with a little bit depression
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Not too sure what the exact message was in this piece though if came do to a hit or miss I would have to say hit!
Then flow was a bit too bumpy and I would advise reading over it again just to patch up a few minor mistakes.
All and all great work!
-Dawn
You really need to be more careful with your spelling. Three spelling mistakes in a single line does not leave a good impression with your readers, and you have basic spelling mistakes all throughout this poem. Also, how can a trench be dirt-like? Trenches and dirt are very different things, and unless you show us how a trench can be like dirt, the description doesn't make sense.
Your punctuation, like your spelling, also needs to be more carefully looked at. Poetry is generally punctuated the same as prose and follows all the rules of grammar. And easy way to check that your poem is properly punctuated is to write it out in regular prose form and see if it's still readable.
To be perfectly honest, after the seeing that the second line had three spelling errors, that the third line also had misspelled words, and that this poem wasn't properly punctuated, I didn't bother reading the rest of it. These mistakes are basic, and if you couldn't be bothered to make sure you at least spelled things correctly before you pressed Submit, chances are, the way I see it, you didn't spend enough time working on this poem for me to read it. First impressions are very important in writing, especially in poetry, and right now, this poem does not make a good first impression. This can be easily fixed, however, by using a spellchecker and punctuating properly, both things which I suggest you do right away.
Hey there Swagg! That's a pretty neat username, by the way. Welcome to the site, I see you're new.
Why don't you introduce yourself in the Welcome Mat?
Anyway, to your review!
I completely love the idea in this poem. It's sooo dark and gory. I do think it'd almost be better as a story because there's so much going on, but if you want to keep it as a poem I have a lot of suggestions for you to.
My first points are very tiny but important things. You don't have much punctuation in this poem, and believe it or not, punctuation is just as important in poetry as in anywhere else. If you need some help with poetry and punctuation, if you'll go up to "resources" on the menu bar, then "knowledge base" there's a section on poetry that should help you out! Also, you have some small errors with words that sound the same but spelled differently: there/their, through/threw. I trust you can fix this up on your own.
So like I said I love this idea, but as a poem there isn't much in it. It's a lot of information tightly packed into lines. I feel like we need more details, more information, more showing and less telling. I'm not a fan of long poems, but if you could lengthen this so as to add more detail to it, using imagery and metaphor and poetic language, etc, I think it would be lovely.
Best of luck! If you have any questions about YWS feel free to message me!