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Young Writers Society



Kiss of Fate

by SuzieCake


Prologue

Emily:

A lot has changed in the passed year; I’ve been a vampire and I’ve been able to sense things that I never have before. There have also been a lot of things I’ve never expected I’d be able to do. As someone who has read a lot of vampire novels, I expected to not be able to walk out into the sun, not to be able to eat real food, and tons of other things, but I’ve discovered that I’m able to go on with my normal life; with the exception of a few things. Yes, I have to drink blood. I also have to take “night school” because I can’t attend during the day. I can read minds, but I have yet to try mind control even though it would be pretty nice to just kick back and relax during class. I’m just scared I may hurt someone. Blocking out all of those thoughts is something I still find very difficult, though. I can move at very fast speeds, but I pace myself to only walk as fast as I did when I was human so it doesn’t raise suspicions in others’ minds. I can eat all day and still not gain a pound (food is still very important). I can also lift more than my own weight; a whole lot more than my own weight. I also have to make sure I don’t show off with this, too.

The only people that really know of this are my parents and a select few of my friends. Though being a vampire is something amazing that has happened to me, it has also been something horrible, but we’ll get into this part later.

When I first became a vampire, my sire, Aidan, was trying to turn me into some “soldier”, but since I have a low tolerance for someone yelling in my face, he got tired of me quickly. But before he took off to find others, I’d always question him on what he needed an army for, but he would always tell me that it was none of my business. The good thing is, I’m never going to grow old, and that has always been one of my fears. Though I’ll never really be the same age as my friends physically, I always will be mentally. Once I graduate high school, I know I’m going to have to move. That’s one of the minor downfalls of being a vampire. You can never stay in one place too long. Unless of course you want the whole town to know of your secret, and, according to Aidan, you really aren’t allowed to do that. But something told me that he didn’t really care when he was explaining this to me.

I still have a lot to learn about my kind, though. Being with my sire two weeks wasn’t really that much of training. He didn’t tell me everything I needed to know and he didn’t tell me how I could find other vampires or how I could sense them, either. I’ve always hoped another vampire would come into town, but I haven’t had such luck. Little did I know, I was going to get more than one visitor when they did show up.

Kade:

I’ve spent most of my life hunting down the murderer of my parents. During that time I’ve been through many things and traveled many places. I’ve searched the United States for fifty years, knowing that my parents’ killer wouldn’t leave here concidering the Vampire Council he’s longed to rule were searching for my sister, Brooke, and I to take the place we inherited from our parents. A responsibility neither Brooke nor myself want. I’ve met many people, and I’ve also had the chance to fall in love, but when she discovered what I was she said that no matter how much she loved me she would hunt me down to kill me. It didn’t occur to me until then that she was from a long line of vampire hunters. So I left that part of my life behind me and tried to forget about her and swore I would never fall in love again, but I knew that in a few years I would find someone else. If I allowed myself that chance of course.

When I decided to give up on my search and just accept the fact that I wasn't going to find my parents' murderer and that either the Council or Trinity would eventually find me, I wanted to find a small town they'd overlook. And a small town I did find. I’d never heard of the place before and I knew it would be the perfect place for me to hide for a while. But I did not know until I got there, however, that there was already a vampire in the city; a pretty young one at that. At the beginning of my stay, I decided I would get to know her. Anita, my one and only friend, said it wasn’t really a good idea and that I should just find another city, and I was tempted to do just that until I discovered who this young girl’s sire was and that he had taught her so little of our kind.

As my stay continued, things began to change in her small town, and she was the one being attacked; whether it was from the knowledge she’d gained or from the fact that he didn’t want her alive anymore, I wasn’t sure. So, I decided to stay in this town and protect her and her friends. Little did I know, they didn’t need as much protection as they seemed, and they used every bit of their strength to protect one another. Eventually the Council found Brooke and I and helped beat my younger brother in this sick game he tried to play. And, in the end, I decided I would take my father's seat on Council, and though Brooke declined, Emily took my mother's place; just as my mother always told me would happen.


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2058 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:52 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



Hey there Suzie Cake! First I would like to welcome you to YWS. If you have any questions or need help with something on the site, feel free to pm me. Why don't you make a post in the Welcome Forum? You may also want to read the FAQ, Official Guide, and Rules. I would suggest you pay close attention to number three on the rules page, as you've already broken that rule! ^_~ Don't worry about it, though; it is easy to make up for.


As to the story! Prologues are funny things. Not only did you spell it wrong, but they are really weird to have in novels. They're not used all that often, they normally lack conflict, and they can be incredebly boring and useless. For more information on prologues, you may want to read this or this.

The first thing I notice about your beginning is that you do a lot of telling. In fact, that's all you do. True, it is your prologue, but it is still the first thing your reader will see! Just because you're calling it a prologue does not mean you can dance around the conflict and have story time and explain everything about your characters. Characters are like real people. When you meet a person, do you immediatly know everything about them? Not at all! In fact, you hardly know anything. It takes a while to warm up to them, get to know them, learn about them, and what not. Your characters should be the same way. Pick your favorite book and read the beginning chapter. From it, how much do you know about the main character? You'll know some thing, but the majority of it will not be told. None of it should be told, for the most part.

The beginning of a story needs to accomplish a lot of things, including but not limited to the introduction of your characters, the start of a conflict, the creation of a setting, and a hook. You may think random vampire chick is interesting, but there are so many vampire novels out there that the idea has been worn down to tiny pieces and is completely not interesting unless you give it your own, personal twist. Your story is also going to be boring unless you have an immediate hook and conflict. Without those, your reader will either fall asleep or put the book back down.

For more on the beginning of your story, here are some awesome articles:

Starting Your Story by Griffinkeeper
Where to start your story

You may also want to join the Character Development group or read other articles in the writing tips section of the Knowledge Base.

I hope this review helped! Again, welcome to yws, and if you have any questions about something I said in the review, or the site, feel free to pm me!




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Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:23 pm
Summerless says...



Try spacing your paragraphs out a bit more. Overall it sounds good.




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Sun Apr 27, 2008 6:25 am
Knurla wrote a review...



Dear SuzieCake:

This seems to be the start of a great story, and I can't wait to read more! As I was reading, I noticed a few things:

(Kade)
"I’ve searched the United States for fifty years, knowing that my parents’ killer wouldn’t leave here knowing the Vampire Council he’s longed to rule were searching for my sister and I to take the place we inherited from our parents."

The above sentence seems just a little too long, a run-on perhaps. Made me want to read faster, but not in a good way.

"...small town I did find. I’d never heard of the place before and I knew it would be the perfect for me to hide for a while."

You left out "place" after perfect; just thought you might want to know.

"Anita said it wasn’t really a good idea and that I should just find another city,...."

Who is Anita? You have left out this bit of info, so it's left us just a little bit confused.

"Eventually the Council found Brooke and I......."

Again, you didn't mention who Brooke was....?





We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare