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Young Writers Society



Ignorance is Bliss : Prologue

by SuzieCake


Prologue

“Her memories are gone,” the doctor told him quietly. “Well, her short term memories anyway. She can remember her name and things like that, but as for her high school years and forward…” he trailed off.

“She doesn’t remember them,” the nurse beside him supplied.

“So what exactly does that mean?”

“She thinks she’s twelve,” the nurse said.

“When we questioned her that is what she told us. She doesn’t remember her husband, her daughter, or many of her friends.”

He started to nod, but stopped himself. “Husband and daughter?” he asked, puzzled.

The doctor opened the file in his hand. “According to her medical records she had a daughter on April first of…” he paused as he read, “two thousand and nine.” He paused and read some more. “It also says that she has been attending therapy since the death of her husband four months previous.”

“What happened to her daughter?” Asher asked.

He read the file a little more. “She was given up for adoption. Her name is Raven. Here is a picture of her.” He handed Asher the photo of the sleeping girl as a newborn. To Asher she looked so much like Bliss that it pained him to keep looking at her. He handed the picture back to the doctor.

“Do they know if she has a new foster family?”

“That is something you’ll have to ask the adoption agency.”

“Can Bliss go home now?”

“She’s been here a week and we’ve done all that we can for her. All that we can really hope for is that her memories return to her, though it is very unlikely. You may have to build them up for her.”

Asher nodded. He never thought seeing Bliss again would mean that he had to take care of her, take her home with him after a car crash that caused her to lose her memories.

As Asher started for the room Bliss was in the doctor stopped him. “We would like you to stay in the area if possible so we can treat her wounds. The plastic surgeon has done all that he really can for her face and the rest of the most badly damaged areas of her body, but there are still some things that we have to watch out for. Unless it is too much of a problem for you to stay here?” He made it a question.

“I really have to get back to Orlando. Is there any way that you could possibly call another doctor there that can give her the treatments?”

“Of course,” the doctor said. “When do you think you’ll have returned?”

“I plan on leaving tomorrow afternoon. I’ve got to get her things packed and get another plane ticket for her.”

“Of course,” the doctor said again. “You may go see her now.”

Asher didn’t waste any time walking in her room. She was sleeping when he was finally at her side. “Oh, Bliss,” he whispered to the sleeping nineteen-year-old lying in the bed. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish I’d been here to stop it—change it, maybe.”

“I don’t think you could have really changed it, Asher,” a voice said behind him.

Asher turned around abruptly and realized that it was Danni, Bliss’s best friend. “I should have known you would have been here,” he said shortly.

“I’d actually come to take her home, but the kind doctor said someone already came. I couldn’t help but wonder who it was. I never expected it to be you since no one has really seen or heard from you in two years,” she said dully.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with her, but she refused to answer any of my calls or anything.”

“You should have known she would.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“She gave you a letter when you graduated, didn’t she? She told you not to try and make any contact with her,” she said. “When you left, I think that was the best thing for her. She was finally able to live a life.” She smiled faintly. “She was able to be happy—even though it was for a short while.”

“How can you think all of this is good?”

She looked at him, her eyes filling with tears. “I don’t think it is good—not for someone like her. But I can’t help but think that maybe this is God’s way of saying that she needs to start over from her age of twelve.”

Asher nodded. It was all he could do. Danni had always been the overly-religious type, but rarely showed it. There was no point in arguing with her either. If she believed this was God’s way of saying that Bliss needed to start her life over from the age twelve, then he would change his ways and be part of that new life—for good. Maybe he would even find her little girl. Maybe they could also have a child of their own. He smiled at that thought. It reminded him of old times when they talked about having children. It was also why it had taken aback when he found out she had a husband and was a mother.

“Would you mind moving over so I can see my best friend?” Danni said impatiently.

Asher glared at her but moved over without a word. He wondered if she would tell him who her husband was. No best way to find out other than to ask. But before he could, another person walked in. He made no move to say anything to Asher, but moved quickly to Danni’s side.

As she stood by Bliss’s side with Cole to her right with his arm around her, she suddenly felt like crying. Her best friend was lying there and she couldn’t help but feel as though some of it were her fault. She didn’t have to let her go home that night. She could have talked her into staying, come up with some random thing for her and Cole to do so she would have to stay the night and watch Alex.

“Where is Alex?” Danni asked Cole quietly.

“He’s with your mother,” he said softly.

Danni turned toward Asher. “I want her to stay with me. Cole and I are probably the only one’s she is going to remember and her home is here. Everything that belongs to her is here.”

“I want to take her with me,” he said stubbornly.

“This is not an issue, Asher. We are taking her home with us.”

“You are not—“

“Do not tell my wife what she is and is not doing. We can have the police here in a second and tell them that some stranger is trying to kidnap our friend,” Cole interrupted angrily.

Asher smiled. “You do not know who I am, do you?”

“It’s best he not be reminded of who you are,” Danni said. “Just please let us take her home with us,” she pleaded. “Please.”

She hoped Asher would see her point. Danni and Cole were in her life before the age of twelve. She would know them. She needed to be with people she remembered so she would feel safe and comfortable. Surely Asher would know that. And if the reason he was here the reason she thought, then surely he would want her to be happy.

“I’m scared you’ll keep me from her,” he said quietly.

“Asher, I would never do a thing like that. Unless there was no way that I could tell her of you. But you’re here now and we won’t really have to worry about that.”

“I have to be in Orlando and I have to leave tomorrow. That is why I want her with me.”

Danni looked to Cole. “Would you mind giving us a moment alone?” she asked her husband.

At first he looked as though he was going to argue, but then he leaned over and kissed his wife’s forehead and walked out of the room.

“Asher,” she said after a long, awkward moment, “I want you to know that even though I never liked you through high school, I understand now that you really did love her.” He looked up at her and then looked down. “Why did you leave right after you got out? And why did you leave with another girl?”

He sighed. “I’m not explaining my life to you, Danni.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’ll call my boss and ask him if there’s some kind of work I could do here until she’s better.”

“She might not get better, Asher.”

“If she doesn’t then I’ll find another job here—even a house. Bliss and I could live together.”

“Asher, it might not ever be that simple,” she said sympathetically.

“Just let me try it. Let me have some hope that I can start over with her.”

Danni sighed. “Only if you agree to let me take her home with me.”

“Agreed,” he said as he held out his hand. As she took his hand and shook it, she knew she’d made a deal that she might regret, but she could only think of what was best for Bliss. Hopefully, just hopefully, she’d made the right choice.


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55 Reviews


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Fri May 01, 2009 12:43 am
SuzieCake says...



Prologues really aren't my specialty. I was actually just trying it out. So... I understand completely where you guys might not get the emotion from them or feeling as though you might like them. So I TRIED to make them more likeable in the chapters that I have written afterwards. Honestly, I'm beginning to think that this could be thrown out - or not since chapter one picks up from it. I may rewrite it. Who knows. But thank you for the reviews. It's so hard finding people around where I live to tell me what I need to do differently with my works.




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Fri May 01, 2009 12:01 am
Octave wrote a review...



Hi! Kara here. I'm going to review your work.


You may have to build them up for her.”


You can take out "up". It slows down the sentence. Prune unnecessary words.


“Of course,” the doctor said. “When do you think you’ll have returned?”


I don't get the last part of the statement.


Who is Alex? And who's Cole? I don't understand it. Nor do I really understand who Asher is in Bliss's life.


“Do not tell my wife what she is and is not doing.


You should use Don't. People hardly ever say do not.


Asher smiled. “You do not know who I am, do you?”


Smiled? Maybe smirk...but smile? Not really appropriate considering the fact that just a few moments ago he was really down. And again, don't use do not. Use don't.


“It’s best he not be reminded of who you are,” Danni said. “Just please let us take her home with us,” she pleaded. “Please.”


Very awkward structure for her to use. It's better if you don't remind him of who you are, maybe? I don't know. It's just so awkward.

And the second part doesn't seem right because hey, she's Bliss's best friend. Asher has no right so why would she plead with him?


Danni and Cole were in her life before the age of twelve.


Danni and Cole were in Bliss' life before she was twelve years old. "The age of twelve" sounds awkward here. And the her would refer to Danni, the closest female antecedent. So yeah, you need to use Bliss's name.


Surely Asher would know that. And if the reason he was here the reason she thought, then surely he would want her to be happy.


Surely Asher knew that. -- Avoid passivity. Use the active voice.

And the second sentence didn't make sense. A typo maybe.


Unless there was no way that I could tell her of you.


Unless there was no way I could tell her about you. -- Prune unnecessary words and tell her of you is just a strange structure for her age...and this time.

Also, another thing. Just a moment ago she was spitting fire and she absolutely didn't LIKE Asher. Now she's fine with him waltzing right back into Bliss's life? You're going to have to make me believe that her reaction made sense and right now it doesn't. It seems forced.


Danni looked to Cole.


Looked at. Not to.


“I want you to know that even though I never liked you through high school, I understand now that you really did love her.”


Hold on, first she hated Asher but she really knew Asher loved her best pal all along? Give me a reason to believe her hostility towards Asher in the beginning because she seems to be warming up to him waaaaay too fast.


He looked up at her and then looked down.


He glanced at her before dropping his gaze again. -- It's just such a strange and redundant sentence. Reword it any way you like.


Let me have some hope that I can start over with her.”


Let me hope I can start over with her. -- Your sentence was awkward.


As she took his hand and shook it, she knew she’d made a deal that she might regret, but she could only think of what was best for Bliss. Hopefully, just hopefully, she’d made the right choice.


Now she's doubting him again? She has far too many mood swings to be believable.


OVERALL: This story has plenty of potential. What it doesn't have are sympathetic characters. I don't feel a thing for them. Give me reason to care for them. Their reactions don't seem to be logical as of the moment either. Their actions seem forced, as if they're tools to move the story along.

Maybe a rewrite? Or the next chapter? Either way, try to make them sympathetic and believable. Try to make me care about them




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Thu Apr 30, 2009 10:04 pm
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VehementWriter wrote a review...



So I need to head off to [a really late] lunch any minute now, so I just did a quick read through this... that basially means I did no grammar check (although I did find something things, but I'll point them out later)...

As for the actually important stuff, though...
I like the possibility of where this could go, but it all seems kind of... bland, somehow. There's no description, there's no emotion, it's just like a telling of events that doesn't really make me wanna find out what happens next... or what happened before, for that matter.
You have to make their story important to the reader. What sets these two apart from every other couple that was separated after high school? Her amnesia more important than the next?
You should work on that, but I think - as a skeleton - you're off to a good start.

»Sam.





Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher