Paradise.

Hey Sushi!

This poetry is actually really good, not to tedious and pretentious sounding like some poems can be,ugh that tires me. It was fast paced, the words you used were appropriate and overall the content was highly original and enticing to the eye of someone who loves disturbing stuff haha. One criticism I have is the question you raise in your poem; "Take it all?" It's just really disjointed from the previous sentence, and doesn't fit well. It feels uncomfortable at the mouth to read it aloud, and is grammatically a bit wrong. Anyhoo! That is like, the only negative thing I can say really, just proof read it again and perhaps see if you can add a bit more to it! But don't worry, you are good at poetry, and never put yourself down.

Keep it up!

DON'T LIE TO ME SUSHI. YOU ARE NOT DREADFUL AWFUL AT POETRY. I really quite enjoyed this! I like the scattered the scattered rhyme scheme you have going. Also, I liked how you sort of misdirect the reader at the beginning (I was thinking of murder... Was that just me?). I especially liked the line, "Take it all?" because it shows how confused this person is, and even hints at mental instability. My only complaint would be The last line. I dont know, It just sounds a little childish. I don't know if this was the point, but... Anyway, keep writing!
-Bellator

Hey Sushi Shauzer here reviewing,
I did like this poem. Although it's hard to find one of your pieces I don't like The Idea was clever and I liked how you didn't ACTUALLY confirm we were talking about suicide until the last two lines, it made it all the more interesting throughout, not actually knowing. And don't say you're dreadful awful at poetry, because then the people who actually are dreadful awful get really offended :')
I think it ended very abruptly, and I'm not sure if you wanted that to happen- leaving us in endless suspense to find out what happens, or if you didn't think of anything else to add in. Personally, I think another few lines at the end might have been nice, some closure. But I still enjoyed it immensely The grammar was perfect, no mistakes that I could see. I liked the way you didn't use commas, not sure if it was intentional or not but it added some sort of uniqueness to the poem, which had an effect on the overall quality. The structure, I thought, was fine. I like the way some words rhymed and other words just went with ones a few lines down. For example, you said 'a paradise so amazing' and then five lines later said 'and take it'. Reading back over it, they went together and sort of drew out the length of the poem's flow, if you get me... In fact I couldn't see any problems with the flow either, it was perfect
The one problem I did have with this poem - without which it would have been perfect - was the beginning. I'm not sure what it is, it just doesn't go with the rest. It was very subtle, but it bugs me.
What if I told you
every time I hold I knife
I think of something good,

I'm not quite sure... maybe it's the fact that you didn't put the word 'that' in from of every. Yep, I think that's it, it puts a damper in the flow. But that's just a personal opinion Other than this, after this, the poem is beautiful, competing with any of your best works. My favourite part was probably the way you said

and take it.
Take it all?

Beautiful, keep writing poetry like this, this clever rhythmic style that seems to suit you perfectly, and you should be fine.
Keep writing,
Yours in ink,
TS

This poem is so beautiful.
The grammar and structure of your poem is presented in a very nice manner and there is not much i can criticize you on except, maybe it could be a bit longer but this is only because i enjoyed reading it. Also i never had to re-read bits of your poem which is good because i hate doing that when i'm reading poems. You should be very proud of this piece of poetry.
Well done,
AP

I am such a butt hole oh my gosh please don't be offended by this review I'm just awful.

Okay here goes.

I do not like this poem. I feel like it is cheaply written, if you will, and I don't see the elements of poetry that I would apply to my own works in it.

But I'm the poetry editor of a literary magazine-- well established and well poised-- and you, as you said, are just writing.

So I shall leak unto you my grandest advice!

Don't worry about the rhymes. Poetry is all about rhythm, not rhyme. Inhale and exhale while you write. Don't focus on the words as much as you do the syntax and the shape of the piece. Poetry should be an experience, not just a means of communication.

The one thing I do really like about this piece though is the last stanza thingie.

"Should I take my life and run

and miss out on all the fun?"

Like holy cheese, that's pretty intense to think about. I don't feel like you tried so hard to rhyme, but I like the concept a lot lot lot.

Watch this--

"Should I take my life and run--

Missing out on all the fun?"

I don't know, I just feel like the four and three letter words lower the sensationalism of this stanza.

Keep writing.

xoxo

Kitty

Heya Sushi! ( I used to have a cat called Sushi, but that's irrelevant so...)

Review time!

OK, so I agree with Infinity that this could use a bit of work, but the overall idea, I must admit, was really good! You know how people consider suicide a sin, but you showed us the inside of a mind where you think of it as the only way to escape pain. You showed us a twisted way of attaining paradise, and yet you wonder if you are right in what you're doing. Personally, I don't think the poem needed to rhyme, and when you try to make it rhyme, it just feels forceful and loses its flow. For example, take the last two lines. They just seem out of place, like Dr. Seuss popping up somewhere in Stephen King. Now, this definitely has potential, so I'd suggest you work on it some more. Poetry is a wonderful form of writing, especially free-verse as it gives you free reign to express yourself. Buzz has already pointed out what could use some work, but I feel that the last lines:

Should I take my life and run

and miss out on all the fun?

Hello there, Buzz here to review!

The emotion in this concept is there, so well done on that. It's an overall good effort despite you thinking you're awful at poetry! I'll be honest, this piece does need a bit of work but it has potential so don't lose hope. Let's go into the review now shall we.

I felt like the rhyme scheme was not needed in this piece since it's more emotion based, which works better without rhyming, rhyming just interrupted the rhythm and flow of your poem and added in some unnecessary words.

"What if I told you
every time I hold a knife
I think of something good,
a paradise so amazing."

Here, your first line needs a comma after "you". I felt like this was a bland opening in terms of the way it was worded, the words, "good" and "amazing" aren't enough to be effective and associate with something like paradise which is beyond and extravagant. And the "good" thing you think of should mention should be hinted. I would have also like to see the feeling is just holding a knife, which can be dangerous if used wrongly.

"It looks better than it should.
Day by day I wonder if
I should give in and fall
to this beautiful paradise
and take it.
Take it all?"

Here, how exactly does it look? Since it "looks better than it should" This is very descriptive at the moment but needs some imagery to help enhance your poem a bit more. I found the phrases, "take it" and "Take it all?" a bit too related it reads like a repetition which was not needed maybe changing around the words slightly will help.

"Now I sit here pondering
the question that's at hand.
Should I take my life and run
and miss out on all the fun?"

This part was okay, though it was lacking in the ending being powerful as you have quite an emotional topic here. I think this may be due to the rhyming. The last two lines kind of are the complete opposite, I understand there's a conflict between living and suicide but getting rid of your life and then thinking back at missing out all the "fun" seems a bit odd, if that makes sense to you.

Overall a really good effort just look over it a bit and you should be fine. Keep writing.

-Buzz

hello!
no this surely isn't awful. Most writers write whatever hits them. The emotion in your poem is clear, but what this lacks is the flow. A rhyming scheme doesn't sound good when you are trying to show the depth of your emotion, without it and by using the right words, the lines would simply flow into the next. so keep writing!!