Sushiwooshi!! Alright here as requested! (I do use alright too often!)
As promised, a full review. Firstly I'll talk a little about it overall.
The tone of this piece is very informal and...matter-of-fact. I like that. It's a refreshing change.
One downside of this is that it becomes preachy and not story-telly.
Whenever I hear something preachy I become like this ( I know I shouldn't use gifs so much!)
I will talk about other specific "overalls" later. Good vs. evil and that kind of thing.
Are people born as monsters, or do they have to actually become one? It's a question commonly asked, but never truly answered. If everyone thought you were a monster, then would you eventually believe it yourself?
I quoted this to highlight the matter of fact tone, which I really like. Another downside, which is more clearly seen by quoting, is that it gives rise to long ramblings. Try to cut out extraneous words. Make this seem more like many short sentences banded together, it gives an illusion of thoughtful reading.
When someone says to love yourself, it's not an easy thing to do. No matter how desperately you struggle, no matter how amazing you are, it's really all just a matter of self esteem. If others hate you and you let it get to your head, then there's really no getting it out.
Sermon on the sushi.
Cerys was born with a similar problem. Some called it an epidemic with no cure, others called it a curse that needed to be purged.
I would prefer if this was started with a preposition. It is more natural. Give an explanation of things, followed by where an object (in this case your character) is placed.
Everyone called it Devil Touch, for it was just like a blessing from the devil, but devils can't give blessings, devils give curses.
See? Preachy!
Also there is a problem. Just "like" a blessing from the devil? Do you mean that devils can bless? No, this interpretation is not allowed by the statement directly following, so the two statements are at odds with each other!
How should we reconcile them?
I will leave it to you to edit this one.
Of course, there wasn't just Devil Touch. Those that had been Touched by God had God Touch. It was similar in every way to Devil Touch except that it had been given by God making it a blessing. Angel Touch came next in the line of holiness, a blessing just like God Touch but far less brilliant. Demon Touch, well, they didn't quite know where that fell in the scheme of things. It was loads better than Devil Touch, but it was still an agent of Hell. In the end it was just deemed as Touch.
Theological dispute point. Whoa! Hold it there! Info dump!
I was thinking, demon's touch is better than devil's touch? Does that mean demons are not as bad or worse than devils? If the former, then alright, we have the following situation.
"So what now, Jack Sparrow? Are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?"
I spent an hour searching for the right meme, couldn't find one.
If the latter is right, hey, evil is stronger than good!
And because Cerys had the misfortune of being Touched by the Devil, she was labeled a monster from birth.
Be concise, just use touched.
Whether she really was a monster or not, would never be seen, for people refused to even look at her. She might taint their Touches with her "vile" ways if they did. No one wanted that.
It seems that people refuse to see rather than that she is a monster or not will ever be seen, so use something to that effect.
Instead of "would never be seen" use "those who knew of her existence refused to discover" or something like that.
Of course, they weren't making random judgments based off silly little rituals that were questionable at best, no, they had physical evidence of the monstrosity she was.
I can see why you are such close buddies with Tenyo. You just stole a Tenyo TM.
Her mismatched eyes, her silent heart, her glossy black hair, it was hard not to notice how different she was.
Her-her-her very funny! Remove all but the first her-her-her!!
When Cerys reached the tender age of ten, she came to a sudden realization: if no one cared for her, then why should she care for them? It wasn't her job to play the heroine of the town, especially not since she was seen as the villain. A villain trying to play a hero? That was laughable, but if she just went with the flow, then they might not hate her as much, right?
Mix up your Tenyos a little. Use some other Tenyo for the starting sentence and a middle sentence. It makes for a more interesting read. "A sudden realization hit her" goes better with the rest of the story than text. The sentence in the middle, about the heroine, start it with "was" and keep it a question.
Soon after she took to the streets, stealing food from local vendors and taking the toys of neighborhood children.
Mix up word order. Put "soon after" at the back of that clause. Use a more jumpy form for the main clause: "stealing food and toys from the vendors and children near her home." I wouldn't think she would steal toys just from children?
However, it wasn't long before fate reared its ugly head. The day of her thirteenth birthday, everything changed.
Use a more subtle change. However sort of tips off the reader, and it wasn't long is just plain lame. Can you think of a more subtle way? "She trotted on on this path of devilry. On her thirteenth birthday..." Don't tell that something changed. Show that it did.
After a long afternoon nap in the hills just beyond the village's bounds, Cerys decided it was time to return home.
What happened before? Why did she go to the hill in the first place? Wouldn't that be like a break in her routine? Tell of her birthday a little more.
For them she was willing to go above an beyond, no matter what the consequences.
An I said, oh, that you could use a spellchecker.
Upon reaching her little stone house on top of its little lonesome hill, she noticed something strange.
Add mystery. Don't lamely bash out that she noticed strange happenings. Tell of her emotions. Something ticked her off. Connect more with the main character. She isn't just a puppet, meant to move to keep the story going, is she? She has emotions, stuff, and like stuff.
Smoke floated from the chimney, and laundry hung from the line, but neither of her parents were present despite the day having been so nice.
Lame! Lame! Expand! Expand! How was the day nice? Some like it cold, some like it hot, some like it in the rain nine days long.
Panic starting to set it, Cerys ran into the house, looking around frantically.
Ing ing ing! Inging all the way to too many Ings. Mix it up!
She couldn't find them, but she did manage to find something.
You tell us straight away what this something is, so this something is a little,
Slowly, she turned her head to meet the eyes of a shadowy figure. Golden eyes, just like the bead.
Split this up into more sentences.
"You're-" She was out before she hit the floor.
You could say she flew out the door.
ooo
Sudden shock? When splitting use multiple hyphens. It's easier.
When Cerys came to she couldn't focus on anything but the strange tingling in her hands.
Oh, so I found a strange tingling in my hands and because I can't focus on anything else i focus on...tingling?
It felt as if acid coursed through her veins, but at the same time she was numb.
Use the word "yet" instead of but. But is so... Lousy.
Reluctantly, she turned her head to see a black, thorn-like object sticking out of the palm of her hand.
I thought she couldn't focus. Use her ability to focus on feeling, touch, to convey this scene.
Her expression remained detached, what was that doing there? She didn't remembered putting it there.
She could take her face off? I don't want to be told what happened! Show it! Use "it" instead of that.
It took her a few minutes to realize what was happening, and when she did, panic flooded her mind.
Use "some time" instead of a few minutes.
The Burning. They were going to burn her alive, she'd finally crossed the line.
The proximity of the latter clauses indicate a close relation, but you need to expand quite a bit on that before saying she crossed the line. What line? I don't see any line.
She would never see the light of day again, or feel the rush of adrenaline while running from angry street vendors. It was truly over.
Us she accepting her fate or roiling in despair? Or happy about it?
She had giant nails embedded in both of her hands and someone had the audacity to ask if she was okay.
I thought you said they were thorns? How does her mind rename them as nails?
Yes, she was fine, just peachy! Nailing her hands to giant wooden stakes was just what she wanted since she was little.
Alright, she's happy then.
She stopped mid-sentence as her eyes laid upon the owner of the voice.
Awkward sentence. I won't give a suggestion. But, but. I will. Don't use the word "laid."
The woman was small, delicate and pale. Blood blossomed from her small calloused hands, creating little red flowers as it fell to the earth below. "Mom" Her lips formed the words, but something had rendered her unable to speak.
She just spoke a second ago.
She had done everything.
Supermoms!
Cerys's eyes widened. If her mother was there then so was her father.
Missing comma.
"Dad! Where's Dad?" At this, her mother's eyes clouded over, a sad smile crossed her face. "No." That couldn't be right.
Make more lines. Separate the different dialogue lines.
He'd been alive just a while ago, but the waves of heat on her back said otherwise.
So where do these heat wave come from? Her dad's body? Eww. Is she like nailed to her dad?
She hadn't noticed them before, but now that she was paying attention she noticed it all too much.
Them and it don't mix when referring to the same object.
They deserved a long life of properity.
Well, propriety sounds better? Properity is so lame a coined word.
"Enough talk monster, light her up."
Missing comma.
Below her, a man with golden eyes stood upon a makeshift pedestal.
Makeshifted of what?
He was short and wiry, but that didn't matter. He had done this to her. To them.
Oh so you mean that if he was short and wiry but hadn't done anything to her(family) she wouldn't do...stuff to him?
but he quickly regained his stature.
He quickly regained his stature? So did jack.
"And I regret every moment, having to make physical contact with vermin like you makes my skin crawl."
Make this two sentences please.
Fire snaked up her body, painfully slow.
Is it her or her mother or her mother an her both or her feeling through her mother?
Now, rage wracked her body, sending shivers throughout.
A wonder rage hadn't gotten. To her at the sight of the fire.
evaporating into steam when it hit the ground with a hiss.
As. Use the word as. Instead of when.
She's evwil. Me likes that! I tend to review better when I'm on the second or third parts, so this review....was not my best.
Keep writing!
I'm wondering, how did you like the imagery? Was it too much? (Just need to think more for chapter one) I definitely agree with all your points, and I'll do what I can to cut down certain parts and extend on others. Do you want me to notify you when chapter one comes out???
Points: 2296
Reviews: 133
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