Young Writers Society

I like how the story's going but I'm having a trouble connecting with the main character. She just seems so shallow to me. Work on her personality more, like maybe explain why it feels like she's just floating through life. Stuff like really moves the story along.

i like this, and could sense where you were going, it is very good, now i am going to go keep reading, got to read the next chapter.

kim

Everyone: Again, thank you all for your helpful crits. They'll help me when I come to edit this.


Snoink: The reason Tess' character is rather strange, is because I haven't quite got the 'feel' for her yet. When I come back to edit this, I'll beat her 'till she makes more sense.


Amelia and Lynlyn: Yeah, I'm not too fond of the mirror-description-thing either. I'm thinking that when I come back to edit this, I'll describe Tess, and then have her look in the mirror.


fothi: I'm only actually splitting the chapters up because I find sitting down and writing a 3,000 word chapter to be a bit daunting.

Writing 'parts' that are between 500 and 1500 words is a lot more comfortable for me.

Yeah, I have to admit that when I was reading the description of her vomiting in the first chapter I actually gagged because I was so grossed out. Whether or not that's what you're going for, heh...

I also agree that the mirror part is a sort of cliched way of introducing a character's looks: I see that it becomes relevant, but it's just that I've read SO many stories where the character gazes into a mirror, into a pool of water, etc; at least when Tess does it it's not while she's "admiringly brushing her locks" or something.

The only other bit I thought was funny was the "messy, long, rank black hair" - that's four adjectives in a row so it comes across like laundry listing. Also, where she's described as "boarding pale," I think you may have meant bordering.

Those are my only nitpicks, other than that it looks great to me. I'm off to read the third bit now.

It was nice.. I felt like it was a bit too short, honestly. It got a little bit accomplished, but I feel like you could have included at least part if not all of this in chapter one... or split it between one and three.

"Standing up, Tess caught a glimpse of her hands. A thin trail of sick scampered across the back of her right hand, left there from when she had wiped her mouth. Her lips curved back in distaste. ‘Eww,’ she said, holding her hand as far from her body as she could. Now she had noticed it, she could feel it on her skin: warmish, and a touch sticky."

Not sure whether this is the best way to start off... the image is vivid, but very unpleasant.... My face kind of scrunched up when I was reading it, and I don't think you want people to get queasy when they first start reading, do you? haha

"‘Oh, shut up.’ Sarah shook her head, and opened the door. The music increased in volume as it flooded in. ‘You’re lovely and you know it.’ "
Do you have sisters? Or watch a lot of movies? Haha or are you just a natural at knowing how girls act? This is pretty classic... annoying but classic.

"Everyone knew not to take what you saw in the corner of your eye seriously."
Hm... I don't know whether that's the best line to have her dismiss what she just said. Maybe a better excuse would be that she'd had a couple drinks... or she was a bit dizzy from throwing up so much...

It was great!
I'm sorry I can't find anything wrong with it... But it was nice, and I wonder what was up with the reflection that wasn't hers..

Again, excellent. I just like your voice and the story itself is nicely done. But now I am already kind of tired. Is the sotry about her troubles with alcohol, or about some fantasy related thing?

'Oh, shut up.’ Sarah shook her head

Meh, there's something missing with this, and that means that I'll have to pummel you because it's part 3 that's missing and why, why, WHY did you post this without posting part 3, because I hate cliffhangers!

Anyway, I just want to comment on the style... it's kind of weird, I think, but the weirdest thing about it is that it doesn't lend itself to visuals that much. I mean, you do describe visuals, but you describe them so that they seem seperate from the story. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. But yeah. This part goes well with the first part, but as I said in the first part, Tess's character is strange and thus her character is just a ghost for me.

Twisting the rusty taps with her free [s]left[/s] hand, Tess ran her hands under the spray of water.

As she cleaned, rubbing the muck from her hand, her gaze slid to the small mirror nailed to the wall in front of her.

Tess’ skin was fair, boarding pale, with a few freckles dotting her cheeks. She had never really liked the freckles, and for a while had smothered her skin in makeup to hide them. Now days she couldn’t be bothered to put in the time and effort required, and just left them. She remembered a little while ago, whilst rather drunk, her and Sarah had named each of them for a joke.

Framing her rather narrow face, her hair was long, thick and brown. For the party, she had taken care to style it, and twist it into something that was, actually, not half bad. But most days she usually couldn’t be bothered to put the time into it, and just sort of cleaned it, combed it, and then left it.

‘I wish I had something worth admiring.’

‘I’m jumping at shadows,’ she murmured, amused at her own behaviour. Everyone knew not to take what you saw in the corner of your eye seriously.

The cool night air would be a welcome break from the humidity inside, which had built up from the many dancing bodies within the hall.

Fresh air will do you go

Just on the fringe of eyesight, that blurry point where seemingly anything can happen, she caught another glimpse of her reflection.[s]And, it seemed to Tess, it had changed[/s]:

Pallid, scabbed skin. Messy, long, rank, black hair. Pale lips; scarred nose; dark red irises glared back at her.

Her heart thumped once, extra hard,