Mooooooore...NOW! I command thee!
For some strange and unknown reason, I’m sitting here ready to write a story. I have nothing in mind at all – no plot, characters or ideas. All I know is that I’m going to write a humour story.
I’ve tried that before.
I failed as well.
Miserably.
None the less, I am ready to try again. Of course – I really should think it through first. But I’m actually quite bored, so whatever.
The hardest part will probably be starting. Well, actually – that’s a lie. That’ll probably be quite easy. But the hard part will be coming up with a coherent plot out of the randomness that spews from my grey brain.
Have you ever seen a brain? They really are grey. So weird.
Anyway – I’m getting away from the point… back to the story…
Wish me luck.
An Odd Life
Ted was sitting – alone – in the old dump yard. It was far from a pleasant place – the smell, the view… everything… was disgusting to a lesser or greater extent (unfortunately, it was pretty much always the greater). But it did have one redeeming feature, which is what had drawn Ted there.
The peace and the quiet was nothing short on luxury.
Of course, Ted enjoyed company, but sometimes he wanted to be alone and undisturbed. In that regard, he felt like he was garbage.
Literally – garbage was something that had once enjoyed the company of humans, but now sort its peace, away from everyone else.
Ted could also have compared himself to leaves from a tree… a young bird of prey leaving its parents… or shit being flushed down the bog.
The trees had sounded like a good idea – but people were always going for walks up there. At any rate, Ted had been forcibly removed from the nearest forest, after trying to lead the trees into an uprising against the human oppressors. It had all just been a game (as he later patiently explained to the psychiatrists) but not everyone found it all that amusing.
Ted had no idea about where to find some birds of prey, or how to convince them to shut up long enough for him to think.
So that left the sewers or the junkyard.
Rather unfortunately, the junkyard hadn’t been the one he’d first tried. It had taken three days and eight firemen to rescue him.
None the less, he was in the dump yard now, enjoying the quiet, listening to the rather peaceful drip drip drip of an upturned flask of uranium, dumped there by a scientist with no sense of environmentally (or common sense for that matter).
Ted believed that the radioactive waste had been placed there in order to create an army of zombies, poised to take over the world and cause the well-known and much anticipated Holy Apocalypse (though admittedly, only actual Christians were anticipating it. Everyone else was kind of hoping it’d never happen. Going to Hell for all of Eternity was considered to be a bit of a bummer).
That, however, was complete and utter bull doody.
The truth was far more sinister…
‘Oy! Ted!’ A voice called, hidden from sight by large piles of junk, ‘Where the hell are you? Ted! TED!’
Ted sighed. It looked as though his peaceful existence was over. ‘I’m over here Chris,’ he called out to the searcher.
‘Where?’
‘By the junk.’
‘… oh yes, thank you for that. You’re about as much help as a brain dead dung beetle.’
Ted sniffed, offended.
‘And while we’re at it, you look like a dwarf chimp with no sense of hygiene and an allergy to food.’
Chris… wasn’t exactly the trustworthiest person you could find… but he had the sort of brain that meant he was often employed to solve tricky problems. Of course, if there was personal gain to be had, Chris was never afraid of stabbing his employer in the back (only metaphorically, of course).
Ted’s brain – on the other hand – was an anorexic apricot.
Chris was in his early-twenties, Ted still in his mid-teens. They only really worked together as Ted would do anything, and would work for cheap.
‘Look – Ted – I’ve got the two of us a job.’ Chris said, glancing around in a bid to find somewhere clean to sit.
Ted was intrigued – they hadn’t had a job for a while now, ‘Really? Where?’
‘A bank. So I want you to look respectable…’ Chris’ voice trailed off as he surveyed his mucky companion, ‘… well, as respectable as a bum like you can look.’
‘Hey – I’m no tramp…’ Ted muttered, shaking his head full of unwashed hair.
Chris gently sat down and conceded, ‘Well, maybe, but you smell like one.’
And… that’s all I have time for today folks. It’s getting late, I can’t be bothered to sit around and write any more of this dribble.
Maybe tomorrow then.
When I’m feeling more up to dribbling.
Sorry, haven't read all of it, only the first section. But I actually really enjoyed it.
I'd be happy to read more and properly critique it, if you'd care to remind me. Just PM me before Tuesday and I will.
And another ‘chapter’. I doubt there will be much more after this one…
All I need to do is figure out how to bring this to a conclusion…
‘Look, Ahveen… do you actually have any clothes to buy here?’ Chris asked impatiently.
‘There is so much… more… than clothes here. Enlightment… spiritual happiness… ever lasting peace…’ Ahveen whispered impressively, her eyes alight with joy.
‘But no clothes?’
‘Well…’ she began, the mysticism disappearing from her voice ‘No, but-‘
‘Right. Good. As long as that’s clear. Ted, we’re leaving.’
Ted began to follow Chris, still in the daydream he had been playing his hero daydream in his mind. Now it was Ahveen he rescued. But she had larger boobs. And less clothes. And hair that didn’t seem to be the mortal enemy of physics.
Ahveen looked momentarily shocked as the du began to leave, than ran – rather impressively, given her robe like clothes – to block the door.
‘You must not go! Stay! Here!’ she cried hastily.
‘Look – crazy women – get out of our way. Or else.’ Chris said, his eyes raised to look up at Ahveen, his voice quiet.
‘Or else what?’
‘I shall have Ted bit you. And I would be not at all surprised if you then caught rabies.’
‘Why buy clothes? You can have much more her! Heavenly pleasures! An endless supply of happiness!’ Ahveen cried, desperate to keep her two visitors.
‘Look, we want a clothes shop, not a brothel. Now please, get out of our way.’
Ted thought that Ahveen had sounded quite lonely, but followed Chris out the shop regardless. He gave the sagging Ahveen an apologetic look, as he left. The women shook her head. Either their departure saddened her greatly; or else she was vaguely offended at being called a prostitute – though why anyone would be offended at being called a prostitute Ted could not gather.
Many people had suggested that Ted would end up being a prostitute, and – not knowing the finer details of what exactly it was that they did – he had rather unfortunately proudly claimed that was what he wanted to be when he was older during his career options interview.
As they left the beautiful room, and once again found themselves in the run down road, Ted spotted something just down the street…
‘Hey! Chris – look over there!’ he cried, pointing to the object of interest.
‘Ted.’ Chris said in an exasperated voice, ‘I’ve told you before. Stop pointing out every cat you see. It’s annoying.’
‘No Chris. It’s not a cat this time. Look!’
Sighing, Chris glared in the direction of the object as though hoping to scare it into non-existence.
Then he stopped. Looked again. Rubbed his eyes.
There was another clothes shop a little way down the road… one he could swear wasn’t there early…
And the shop’s sign had all the grammar of a deranged and chronically illiterate armadillo...
I don’t feel well. Rest now.
Hehe, that was great, especially the 'going to hell for eternity was a bummer'...tehee...
All right. I give up giggling. *cracks up* Especially the Sex Ed. bit was GREAT. I salute you!
ahahaaahaa. hawhwehahheheehehahhahe *wheezes* hawhehahehahahehahwhahwhhawhehaw.
anyhoo, i luffed it all. S'funny. It is quite like Douglas Adams' work, which is a good thing..cause he's ace!
XXX to which type of people? those who can't say anything else without breaking out giggling? I mean:
'That was amazing,' breathed Ahveen, 'I've never seen a ding-a-ling used so well before.'
bwahahaha though 
Yeah, that was a good story.
To make it XXX...
Ahveen rolled over, getting into a more comfortable position. Next to her lay Chris.
'That was amazing,' breathed Ahveen, 'I've never seen a ding-a-ling used so well before.'
Chris just smirked, 'Yes - well I practice a lot.'
Ahveen looked shocked, 'You practice? On who?'
Chris grunted something under his breath.
'No! Not on... a sheep?'
It was Chris' turn to look shocked, 'No, woman! Of course not! I'm not as low as that.'
Ahveen smiled and layed her head back on the pillow, 'Of course not. But... then wh-'
Chris shifted, embaressed, 'Well... there's this hole in my bedroom wall...'
... Actually...
No.
Definatly not.
is it because of that movie tripple x? da 1 wid vin desil, howeva u spell it.
maybe u cud put 10/10 on da side or sumin, every1 wud get dat
have a nice day
bluecows 
teehee. This was quite entertaining.
as to the rating, you shoud have put "XXX" then everyone would have read it. And I'm american (most days), and I don't get the rating system, but something with three x's has a strange appeal to it (although what kind, I can't say).
I'm glad I found the time to read this. It's very refreshing and like someone said before me 'smacks of Douglas Adams'. if you ever have the time pick up a book of his, if only for a minute. But this is very unique and interesting. Don't really have much of a critique to give you, but here are some things I really liked.
-- hehe ents...LOTR...hehhehtrees into an uprising against the human oppressors
- that must be one of the greatest lines ever written.Ted’s brain – on the other hand – was an anorexic apricot.
– had me trying to smother a laugh there, hehhehNot to mention the barely dressed, vastly bosomed lady he would have rescued. And then he would take her home for tea and biscuits. Ted didn’t have much of an imagination when it came to girls. He knew he was meant to do something with them, but wasn’t entirely sure what.
- it's true. it's not done.Like Bob.
No one in England was called Bob. It just wasn’t done.
- heeheehee]And don’t be mislead by his appearance… he does actually know how to use soap. He just refuses too.’
- i like you sense of humor.Ahveen smiled, ‘Christopher. Named after Jesus Christ I see. You must be quite a man.’
Ted – who thought Chris had more in common with the Anti-Christ then anyone else – agreed. Chris was indeed quite a man. Everyone he met remembered his name forever.
I'ts R because I'm English and don't understand the American rating system .
I like this!! its really funny, I cant wait to see the next instalment! I dont get why its R though. Maybe Ill find out later.
Nope - never read any of his stuff. I've heard of him, of course, but I've never taken the time to read any.
Anyways...
Yes, it’s me again, with my story again.
You! At the back!
No groaning!
The inside of the clothes shop was – rather amazingly – the opposite of its exterior. Beautifully painted walls… a spotless, marble floor… a high, grand ceiling. Even the stair set was made of gold.
The very air itself seemed to be scrubbed clean, and felt easier and more satisfying to breathe then anything else Ted had ever come across.
The atmosphere felt pleasantly warm and calm, giving the illusion of a beautiful summers day (something unheard of elsewhere England).
When presented with such overwhelming beauty and passion, Chris had this to say:
‘Fuh - king hell!’
Ted was busy glancing around himself in bland admiration, ‘Looks more like Heaven to me, Chris,’ he murmured.
‘Indeed, you are right, my little man.’
Ted jumped. The voice had come from right behind him, yet Ted hadn’t heard anyone walk there.
Turning around, Ted found him face to breast with a lady.
This lady had golden hair, pinned to the top of her head, almost as though it didn’t get along with gravity and had no wish to be associated with it in any way. Her face was pale, and not really all that remarkable – with the exception of her eyes.
Which were remarkable.
‘You the shop assistant?’ Chris asked, his eyes lingering for a moment on a vase that was clearly valuable.
‘You could say that,’ she remarked, ‘Nice to meet the two of you. My name’s Ahveen.’
‘Ah – yes. Nice to meet you… Ahveen? That’s a… rather odd name… isn’t it?’
‘Not where I come from.’ Ahveen replied pleasantly.
Ted wondered where she did indeed come from. Some foreign country he guessed. They all have funny names over there.
Like Bob.
No one in England was called Bob. It just wasn’t done.
‘Yes, well, this is Ted,’ Chris said, indicating to his partner, ‘And don’t be mislead by his appearance… he does actually know how to use soap. He just refuses too.’
Chris pauses for a second, and then held out his own hand, ‘And my name’s Chris.’
Ahveen smiled, ‘Christopher. Named after Jesus Christ I see. You must be quite a man.’
Ted – who thought Chris had more in common with the Anti-Christ then anyone else – agreed. Chris was indeed quite a man. Everyone he met remembered his name forever.
It was one of the reasons they had to keep on moving.
I’m bored right now. This will continue another time (when I’m less bored).
Your blog commanded me to read your story and I'm glad it did. Well done to you. I paticularly like the bit "Going to Hell for all of Eternity was considered to be a bit of a bummer". Have you ever read any of Douglas Adams' work. I feel it's the same vein of humour.
I read it... and I didn't think it would lead to this.
.I read it because I was in your power :hands you a lemonade: and I didn't think it would lead to this. I'll read the rest later, my dad is being mean tonight.
Yeah - I didn't really put too much effort into getting the spellings and typos fixed. But meh, I'm still too lazy .
Whee - part two!
Aha – another day, and a little more writing to do.
Goody.
Chris was leading Ted down to the bank… he hadn’t yet explained to Ted what it was they were doing, so the teen amused himself by imagining various different jobs they could do.
They could…
Take down bank robbers. Yeah! With guns and everything. And then Ted would be a hero after knocking out all five robbers. And he would also have saved Chris’ life. Not to mention the barely dressed, vastly bosomed lady he would have rescued. And then he would take her home for tea and biscuits.
Ted didn’t have much of an imagination when it came to girls. He knew he was meant to do something with them, but wasn’t entirely sure what.
Sex education had left him with less of a clue then he had gone in with. This is also why teenage pregnancy has increased…
Teenagers aren’t aware that sticking things in each other will make babies… When you think about it, you wouldn’t expect that to happen, would you? Must come as quite a shock.
After all, a stalk doesn’t actually come into it anywhere… unless ‘stalk’ is actually another word for ‘penis’.
They come into it quite a lot.
Usually faster than the girls would like.
By the time Ted had snapped out of his daydream, Chris had stopped walking. Looking up, he found himself in front of a shop, with the title, ‘CHeAp CLOTHeS!!! Get TheM chEaP!!!!!’
It wasn’t exactly the best looking shop in the town. The brown sign was rotted and damaged. The glass was chipped, dirty and a rather odd orange colour. And the door looked so old, that Ted reckoned it could fetch a hardy sum of money in an antique auction.
‘Why are we hear?’ Ted asked (misspelling and all).
Chris fixed his young companion with a hard stare, ‘I told you – we’ve got to clean you up. And that includes getting some new clothes.’
Ted looked at the miserable excuse for a shop, ‘But why here – this place looks terrible.’
Chris turned back to face the shop, ‘It’s the cheapest clothes store in town. At any rate, I’d have expected you’d quite like the look. Should remind you of home.’
Ted sighed and scratched his head. After a very slight pause, he muttered, ‘Fine, let’s go in. But I don’t wanna stay for long.’
Chris nodded, ‘Good. But… really, you didn’t think you had a choice did you? You’re going in, no matter what.’
‘But… why?’ Ted asked, a look of surprise on his dirty face.
‘I want you to look your best.’
Ted grinned appreciatively at Chris, ‘Oh, thank you! Thank you! I didn’t think you cared so mu-’
‘Look – shut up and go in. You annoying little bastard.’
Right – that’s it for tonight as well.
You may be wondering why I’m still even bothering… well it’s quite simple. I figure that if I keep on trying, I’ll eventually figure out how to make it funny.
Not bad. You created the characters pretty well considering you improvised. You need to edit but that's about it. Good job.
Ooh, I like it. please write more. It's funny and I like Ted. There's a few typos, maybe you should read through it once more. Good job though. 
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