I was cleaning out the margin-tripe in journal, and I figured I might as well fix some of it up. XD
Most of these are half-thoughts that I'm trying to link together into some comprehensible form.
Please grace me with your wisdom. >: P
Feel free to browse and critique only what you wish.
Color is used to differentiate pieces; I'm sorry if it looks like turtle vomit.
I sail a strange ocean
on the evening dusk
when I leave my body
it becomes just a husk
a perfect shell
of what I was
preserved in space
and time
a place I’ll never
walk again
leave my hands
and face
behind
hung up on nothing
hungry for something
where are you hiding
now?
your life's on fire
no room for desire
baby just take
a bow
'cause your show is over,
you cow
you and me
we live to be
incompatible truths
we fall apart
like lovers' hearts
brandy, lime, vermouth
nostalgia
swallows my stomach
flash fiction
burnsquickly
I dreamt of dreams
long past
an unspoken place
no faces masked
my fingers grow cold
as my soul
is
compelled
age is not old
give me a name to
know me
give me a name to
fear me
give me a name to
love me
give me a name to
kill me
Crosswinds carry
capricious concepts, concealing
calculated cruelty.
dig, dig
find the spot
reach your hand
through the rot
feel the land
beating strong
and remember
you're not wrong
The Mirror Haunt:
it found me
and trapped me in a box
no seams to be found
in my reflected casket
a noticeable lack
of locks
not even a door
only the image (illusion?)
eternal depth
Taffy umbrellas
rain of sweet tea
this is what you are to me
sugar high
and the impending fall
rotten teeth
to remember you by
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really like the rhymes that you have going some of them are just a little off kilter, which gives this collection (though unrelated), a lilting feel.
I especially like the rhyme working in this one:
The problem is that though these are generally fun to read, not many have any substance. In fact, the only one that I think is really promising is this one:
The meter and rhyme in this is superb and it has the most powerful imagery out of all of them. In addition to that, it hints at something more, something beneath, both through the imagery and the diction. This is something you might want to explore.
Well, the vermouth piece was also rather promising, but you need to punch it up a little. Those word choices: brandy, lime, vermouth, give some kind of zap to the reader, but it comes after something vague and uninspiring: "we don't work". Try expanding that one as well.
And, last of all, this is a very nice stanza:
I think if you explored, rather than what becomes of the husk right after this, the image of the husk, the idea of the husk, the feeling of it, it would draw the reader in much more fully, like an anchor, and it might lead you to a stronger purpose of the words.
Thank you for the reads. ^_^
Hey Sura!
Turtle vomit? Haha. I will say simply that yes, these do seem like a collection of random thoughts, and I think if you were to try to combine them you would end up with a poem that does look like a collection fo random thoughts put together.
However! Have you ever seen how awesome a doodle book looks when it's completed? You have thousands of images page after page that you could stare at for hours and still never fully understand what was going through the artists mind.
I see this as being more like an art piece than a poem. Like... for the longer passages break them up or cut some lines out, and scatter them around a page with some light, corresponding sketches. I got this idea from the pink one, with nostalgia. The thing that most of these have in common is they seem like the deeper thoughts of a young adult, someone who's done being a child but still not quite grown up. I see potential for these if you turn them into a piece of artwork or a text collage.
Or, the other option is to read one in the morning, let it mull in the back of your mind for the day, and see if it has grown or developed over time. That's how I usually add substance to random thoughts. But, if you're feeling adventurous, go for art