Don’t.
Handing me your plastic smiles,
Don’t you have the decency to at least put them on a silver platter first?
I know you have many to spare.
Won’t.
Showing me your ivory carpet land,
Won’t you at least be polite enough to offer me some caviar?
I know you aren’t lacking it.
Can’t.
Escaping from this immaculate world,
Can’t you tell them you don’t want all these hands to kiss?
I know you want to tell them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there Superfreakazoid. I see your piece of poetry has been sitting in the green room for awhile and I decided to drop off a review.
This piece interested me with everything you have in the mixture, and I think you need to streamline this poem. There’s so much going on here that I’m still not sure what is even going on here. I’ve read through this multiple times, but I still have little clue about what is happening. It’s a common thing that I’ve seen with poets starting out.
One major thing id like to address is the second stanza. The repetition of won’t in this stanza is more bothersome than the usage of don’t and can’t in their respective stanzas. I think the placement here is what hurts it the most.
This repetition does bother me in general because this poem could have a much different format that makes more sense. I think having it somewhat like this could work out for you. It would be interesting to see a list like poem come out of this current product. There should be something that will make this balance out.
Don’t:
- line 1
- line 2
- line 3
Wrap up line.
Without talking about the format, I would like to talk about the word choice. It overall feels a bit off to me? I think the main part that bothers me is that it still feels disconnected. Starting with a single four letter word and then bouncing towards the different viewpoints. The imagery isn’t really consistent, but I can see some of what you’re trying to do with linking it all together. And linking the title in to this too.
There’s some of the title that I’m trying to figure out but the title definitely made my ears perk up. The description of too clean messes reminds me a bit of describing mental disorders. Now that I’ve read through this piece for the fourth time, the narration is making more sense, but it’s still sticking in some places.
My best recommendation would be to write a piece of inspired poetry where you take the things you most love from this work and write another poem inspired by it. This method helps me when I get stuck in revising something and can’t twll what I want to change.
I do like the last stanza, which tried to tie everything together but I can see that it struggled a little bit. This stanza is the strongest, in my opinion, and what you should be building the rest of the piece around.
I think that’s all I have.
Happy revmo.
- Jack
Thank you so much!
I like this. Alot. The rhythm is perfect and the one word lines that start the stanzas are really effective. The first stanza is my favorite. The last one seems like you're trying to persuade them to escape with you from their perfection. Awesome.