z

Young Writers Society


12+

ᖷlipped - Chapter 1

by SuperAnimalCrossing


The sun was just beginning to set over the deep, lush forest as a feminine shadow appeared on the ground. A few crisp Autumn leaves blew overhead as the shadow's owner stepped out from the trees and onto the narrow dirt path. It had seen a few obvious signs of wear, rocks strewn about and small weeds popping up every few feet. 

Deep in these woods, the girl used to live in a quaint little cottage. It was a small place, and it had once looked like a generic log cabin that you would see in a history book. She continued forward, thoughts and fears racing through her mind. 

She looked down at her hands. She was carrying a small box. A small box, covered on all sides by a silky, velvet material that was starting to fade. On the top, there was a golden plate engraved with the name "Amanda." It used to be her memory box of sorts,  full of small little trinkets that she found lying around in the woods. Now it was empty, which was a fact that felt almost symbolic to her. She continued down the path, until coming to an eventual stop.

Amanda now sat in the woods by her old cottage. She sat, her back against the sturdiest oak, grasping her journal. It had been eight years. Eight years since the cottage had been burned down. All that was left were the vines that now enclosed the inner workings and endoskeleton of the cottage. And perhaps, even, the literal skeleton of her mother, the one who had loved her most in life. She dared not look near the cottage, only to sit in the woods nearby and sit by the sturdiest oak with her journal.

It was a dusty and cheap old thing, made of cardboard with floral patterns. It was all bound together by a thin spiral ring. She had bought eight years ago, back when she felt it had a purpose. Back then, she had a dream of becoming a reporter. Every day she would travel with her mother on errands and talk to the city people. Back then, the city was relatively small. Amanda would ask basic questions, like what the people thought of the city life, how they felt about pollution, and other things she could think of off the top of her head. 

But overtime, the city became overcrowded, towering skyscrappers were built, and offices fashioned out of them. Each time Amanda would go to the city, the people were always much too busy to answer her silly questions. Of course, there were still a few people every now and again who remembered Amanda from her youth, and were more than happy to stop and answer. But for Amanda, that wasn't enough. She felt as if her dreams had grown wings and flew away.

She let out a sigh. She stared down at the journal for a moment, before finally pulling a pencil from her pocket and opening the small book. She flipped through the pages, trying her best to avoid reading what was written. Once she got to an empty page, she began to write:

"Dearest journal of mine, I know it has been long. We truly haven’t spoke in quite the while. Me… well, as of writing this, there’s not much to say."

Then Amanda stopped writing. "No. I can't... I can't do this anymore. I'm... I'm going to do it." She threw the pencil as hard as she could into the woods, sighed, and closed the journal. Laying near her was her box. She took a key from out of her pocket, and inserted it into the box’s lock. With a firm twist of the key, the box jumped open.

She placed the journal inside the box. Afterwards, she put the box back down, took a deep breath, and mustered up all the courage she could find. She was going inside the cottage. 

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Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:57 am
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Hello SuperAnimalCrossing, here is Pretzel for a review, just as requested!

I know that other reviewers that also pointed out that you practically did a lot of telling, with very minimal showing. I know that you wrote that this is practically a bad habit, but to make your story more interesting for the reader to enjoy, you absolutely need to start implementing the rule: show, don't tell because you are mostly telling in here. It doesn't mean that you can't completely tell, because for you a better concept is probably show and tell, but here are some basic tips that I could give you:

1. Use some basic dialogue, even if that just means that you is going to make Amanda talk to herself, even if it's just her thoughts out loud. That's a start, and then if you continue going with this, then make sure to build that interactions between the possible characters.

2.More description. Don't overdo it, but I want to know more and more about what this woods looked like exactly, what season of year it was, the weather, the colors, etc. That includes carefully select your words so that they convey your meaning in the best way possible. A wise writer once told me: Focus on choosing your verbs very carefully, more than adjective because verbs have much more impact

3. That's my next point, be much more specific with the situation, and with the whole story in general. So far you have been following a She had _________. I want more specifics on her passion and dream, I want to make it much more realistic and personal to her as a unique character.

4. Where are all of those five sense of yours? It's all visual memory, and although that is the most common, you still need to generously include all of the other senses as well just in order to let the reader experience it much better.

I hope that ^ helped you. If you want more in depth and some example of this actually being applied to real sentence, please feel free to just click on this link which will direct you a mega-helpful article on this topic.

Now I will go onto the in-depth nitpicks, hoping not to copy something that the other reviewers have already said c: (in a spoiler for the sake of space)

Spoiler! :
There was once a girl.


A very cliche start here. I want to be intrigued, I want this to completely hook me into the chapter, and this isn't really doing the effect for me at all. It's just plainly stated something so generic, so uninteresting, that I would barely care to read on from here. What I would recommend is just to use this first sentence as a filler to get started! Like for example you could transform this cliche beginning thought(because this is a good place to start it-as long as its developed before you publish it)

"A feminine shadow appeared at the curve of the worn-path in the forest."

That's still sketchy, but I could still develop it even more, and have it go onto a whole paragraph based on here returning to the burnt cottage. Do you see where I'm even going with this?

An amiable girl, full of light in a nice, bright world.


Here I spot three non-descriptive adjectives in this sentence, and they should be replaced with much stronger words. Words that seem more meaningful and actually can let us get a picture of this world that Amanda is living in. This is where worldbuilding comes in, like you need build your world in a way that makes the readers feel like they are possibly living inside of it.

She would write in her journal day after day. She would draw out in the woods near her small, quaint cottage.

In fact, sometimes she would go to the city on her bike and talk to the people. She would ask the busy city people questions, and they would answer. She would write the answers in her journal, just like a reporter.


Woah, that is too many :would: in one paragraph, especially the beginning one and so that really began to throw me off a little bit. I feel like verbs are probably the most beautiful and useful pieces in the English language, and so it's so essential that you use the strongest ones that will pour meaning into Amanda's actions. You need to take a serious look at your word-choice, and definitively one way to improve that is to actually just look in the dictionary, and study it as weird as that may sound. Try to advance your vocab. everyday if possible, and I promise you that you will become a better verber xD

She would write the answers in her journal,


I kind of have a minor obsession with journals, so I was wondering, how did this journal even look like if it apparently seemed so important to Amanda. I'm a very visual person, and I get really intrigued by journals. My current one has a really pretty quote on it, but I like to know what design this one has.

She had wanted all that any one person could dream of wanting.


This just seems too cliche and regular. What makes her dreams so unique from other people? Show us that side of her dreams, make them not normal. Expand and explore here passion for journalism, kay?

Now, Amanda sat in the woods by her old, quaint cottage.


I really dislike the use of two adjectives together separated by a comma. It kind of puts me off and messes up the image that I wanted to imagine, plus in my experience at least, the adjectives are bland and uninteresting to the story. I would delete those, and work on the verb "sat" and a more specific "type" of cottage that she had.

Eventually, the city was so full of busy people, people that never had a chance to stop and talk to a girl with a need for answers, so Amanda's questions were never answered by the people.


This sounds very unrealistic, as the chapter took a depressing turn. Why won't they answer her questions? I mean, all that she has to do is ask and invite for a conversation, and someone must be willing to do so.

only to sit in the woods nearby and sit by the sturdiest oak with her journal.

What's her relationship with this oak tree? As weird as that might sound, I'm meaning to say, like does she even remember this from her past life. I think that would be the perfect want to bridge the gap of time a lot more smoothly there.
She opened the journal, took a pencil from her pocket and began to write:


I don't know if you even thought of this, but when I write in my journal entries I almost always have a heading of at least the date. This is a small thing, but I think that we can better understand the setting and time period/era in which she is living in, so it's like a blunt proclamation here.

She threw the pencil into the woods,


And why would she even do this? It doesn't really make sense, because wouldn't it be logical if she actually wanted to write out her first experience of coming back after 8 years? I feel like she should have that recorded, even if it's just for herself, but since she threw away the pencil... :/

She was going inside the cottage.


I don't really understand, what is her motive in even going inside? Why can't she show any hesitation, any doubt about practically performing this act, which seems kind of made on impulse. Did something prompt it, some thought or the journal? I'm just really confused, so even though this should have been a cliffhanger, it definitively didn't have the right impact on me at all. ^^


The font on the top that says Chapter 1 looks pretty much immature and like you wanted to stand out or something. If you have noticed, I think that there is already the number of the chapter in the title, and I personally think that this is more than enough to inform the reader about.

Also, I know the bare minumum about Amanda as a character and as a person, so I feel like since you are introducing her, you should make her grand, but warning: please steer clear or making her an actually Mary Sue because that would be horribly detrimental to your writing overall.

Overall, I honestly think that this needs tons of work. I'm sorry for the harsh review, but this is really just to help you improve as a writer and to help improve the things in your novel. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to let me know and I will be glad to help out.

Keep on Writing!

~P.S.






Thank you for the amazing review! You made some excellent and in-depth points which I was glad to follow.
In fact, I feel like the entire chapter ended up a lot different in the end. In a good way, of course!
So, thank you again for your review, and I hope you enjoy the new version!



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Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:35 pm
cpedro wrote a review...



Hello SuperAnimalCrossing, here for a review. So, even though a little short, this is definitely intriguing and the suspense and mystery where well written.

There are just two things I would mention. The first being about your third paragraph when you mention how busy the city people are that they don't have time to answer her questions. In here you are contradicting yourself because in the first paragraph you say she would go to the city and talk with those busy people who would answer her questions. See what I mean, you're saying one thing and later the exact opposite. The other thing is a nick-pick about the way she throws the pencil away. I think you wanted to make it as if she was getting determined to do something but instead with it being thrown into the woods sounds more like she sunddenly got frustrated or irritated with something so I think you should use for example: She took a deep breath (or release a long breath) and after putting down her pencil, she closed the journal.

Either way, good start and hope to see more!




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Tue Jan 05, 2016 10:12 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hi!

In the beginning of the chapter, it seems a little weak. Sure it opens a new setting and tells the reader about how this novel is going to be centered around a girl in the woods. I just feel it is lacking in the "hooked" feeling. It should get the reader, much like a fish, to swim up to the hook (with the chapter being the worm) and nibble at it. When writing the first chapter, it can lead up to anything new into the upcoming chapter. Going back to the hook and fish analogy, make the hook test the waters-- you aren't going to catch a lot of fish with a big splash.

Also, you seem to just rush into details. Take it slow when talking about your main character-- like eating some nummy food. You should let the reader savor in the juicy stuff (I mostly think about the MC's past and how the past might collide with the incoming future). As the reviewers said before me, you seem to tell this story in third person omniscient (since we-- the readers-- will know most about the character as the novel goes on.)

There was once a girl. An amiable girl, full of light in a nice, bright world.


For some reason, I think as this as repeating. In the sentence before you are stating that there is a girl, but then in the next sentence you are describing her. I feel you should either do one or another. Either describe the girl or don't. Another thing is this whole chapter seems kinda "grey". Even though there is some descriptions and such, it doesn't strike me as "entertaining". It just goes plainly into a new action the girl is doing, without any real "color". Try adding some dialogue. Make this chapter more longer with some backstory stuff and whatnot. It will surely keep the readers reading.

As the reviewers said before me:

Then the girl stopped writing. She threw the pencil into the woods. She closed the journal. There was a box near the girl. A small box, covered on all sides by a silky, velvet material.


This seems a bit sudden. Maybe before try foreshadowing to the box being placed there? Also when did she get a key? Are you going to say what or when she got the key/the box means? It might hold important details for the future chapters-- I suggest writing notes on a paper of the ideas you have. So, she used to live in the cottage but it burned down. Why does she want to go back? To find some secret stuff or something? Some questions that need answers.

Anyway. This chapter could use some work-- like how a diamond is being made. Some coal goes under pressure before it is turned into something beautiful (diamond). If you work hard enough and go forth with editing and whatnot, you can make this chapter a lovely first one. I did like the idea you have of this novel. If you post another chapter, could you let me know? :)

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy






Thanks for the review!
I've been thinking of some ways to mess with that one part to make it sound better, and once I do, I'll be sure to edit it.



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Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:04 pm
Terian805 wrote a review...



Hi there! Terian to get this work out of the Green Room!

I liked this. Like MadWriter I felt the third person omniscient gave a charming feel to the story, you wrote it in a kind of fairy tale type style. (No bad thing!) You rarely see that kind of writing in today's novels.

There were a few nitpicky parts.

"There was once a girl. An ambient girl, full of light in a nice, bright world."

The word 'ambient' is usually used to describe a setting. Maybe use a different word like 'peaceful', or 'amiable'.

' ....engraved with the name Amanda'
'Amanda' should have quote marks.

and at....

'She put the box down and took a deep breath,'

replace 'and' with a comma to make it a subordinate clause.

I enjoyed small descriptions that you threw in like...

'the box jumped open'

'Only the memories of such a dream were left, memories which floated around the woods near the cottage and within the deep confines of the journal.'

'full of light'

and so on.

But like Mad, I think this seemed to rushed. It goes straight onwards introducing this girl who lives out in the forest, before all of a sudden, her house burns down and her mother dies! We didn't even know she had a mother!

You've got to elaborate a bit to make us care about events like this. Who is Amanda ? Why is she important?

I hope my feedback was useful, and that I didn't seem to harsh! You are obviously very good for fourteen and you've definitely got something going here! Keep writing!






Thanks for the review! I'll do what I can to remember making those quick edits!



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Tue Jan 05, 2016 5:02 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hi!
My name is Rachel, but most people call me Mad.

#8000BF ">Plot, Pace and Point of View
I love the point of view. I feel like I'm watching a movie. It has a very home-y feel, which I admire.

Dearest journal of mine, I know it has been long. We truly haven’t spoke in quite the while. Me… well, as of writing this, there’s not much to say.

There was a point of view change.
Then the girl stopped writing. She threw the pencil into the woods. She closed the journal. There was a box near the girl. A small box, covered on all sides by a silky, velvet material.

This seems really rushed. Like: She was writing, threw the pencil and suddenly there is a box! It's quiet random and confusing.
It all seems rather rushed and random.

#8000BF ">Characters and Dialogue
I don't feel like I know anything about Amanda's personality. Her mother is dead, she loved her mother. She writes in a journal.

#8000BF ">Grammar
Dearest journal of mine, I know it has been long. We truly haven’t spoke in quite the while. Me… well, as of writing this, there’s not much to say.

This should be italicized
Spoiler! :
Dearest journal of mine, I know it has been long. We truly haven’t spoke in quite the while. Me… well, as of writing this, there’s not much to say.


#8000BF ">Advice and Suggestions
Since you gave us the name of the girl (Amanda) I don't think it's necessary to keep saying "the girl or she". It's doesn't sounds right; it sounds repetitive.
The girl opened the journal. She took a pencil from her pocket and began to write.

This sounded a little weird. I get you want to make it sounds important and that's why its so much of telling.
Spoiler! :
The girl opened the journal, took a pencil from her pocket and began to write.

You tell more that you show. I'm going to quote myself: "People don't like being told what to think, they like to be shown what to imagine".
I understand you want this to sound like formal narrative but it doesn't make it very fun to read.

I hope I've helped :)
Never, ever stop writing!
~Rachel, The Mad Writer






Thanks for the review!
Telling instead of showing is a pretty bad habit of mine, so I'll go back and try to fix some of it.
You made some really great points, and I'll be sure to edit it. (That is, if I remember)



Charm says...


Your welcome! I'm glad I could help :) If you need any more reviews: MadWriter7's Spectacular Reviews!




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