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The Christmas Miracle

by Super


One Morning a  few months  before Christmas,Their was a young girl and she lived on the street .she was just so sad when her parents went missing . She thought they did not want or even like her she thought that they had abandoned her. All she ever wanted was a family who wanted her. After she tried adoption places still no one wanted her. She decided to live on the streets . That day she decided that she was old enough to get a job . She went to the local shopping center and applied  for a job. After her interview  she started working that same day. Then when she done done she went back to the hard street. Then the next day she she went back to work and worked a double. Then the next day she had 100$ then she worked one month and she had earned 1,000$. Then she got a place to live . Then she bought some new clothes and things and also some food and water. Then she looked at the calendar. And it was a day before Christmas and  she still had no family. So she went to work and when she checked that family out they looked so familiar. The eyes and the hair . They looked like they were her parents . She said mom dad . I have been waiting for you my whole life. They said Mary..... Mary  Is that you. Yes it is. Mary" then said why did you leave me on the streets." The parents said' We didn't  you got kidnapped .  And we have tried to look for you we never found you now my dear sweet heart ." You have rely. WOW !  SO that Christmas she finally has a family to spend the holidays with . THE END 


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232 Reviews


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Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:32 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello!

First off, formatting. This is just one chunky paragraph and should be separated into sections. When a new event happens, new paragraph. Speech, new paragraph.

'One morning a few months before Christmas, there was a young girl and she lived on the street' - I get that this is similar to a 'Once upon a time' sort of beginning, but it doesn't really make sense. It should go something like 'One morning..., there was a young homeless girl struggling with the reality that her parents had left her.' Something like that, there needs to be some sort of action for the sentence to make sense. Otherwise it reads like she just appeared on the street one morning.

'There was a young girl and she lived on the street' - I thought you meant she lived in a house on the street. Maybe say she was homeless?

In the middle of the story you have a lot of sentences beginning with 'Then' which makes this just read like a long checklist rather than a story.

How old was the girl when she was first homeless? How does she not remember being kidnapped but she remembers what her parents look like? Surely if she was kidnapped she was taken somewhere before she was then on the streets? Didn't she try to go home? If she went home wouldn't she have found her parents?

I'm confused.




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Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:51 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I see that you're new here. :D Welcome to YWS!! Hope you enjoy it here!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

One Morning a few months before Christmas,Their was a young girl and she lived on the street .she was just so sad when her parents went missing . She thought they did not want or even like her she thought that they had abandoned her. All she ever wanted was a family who wanted her. After she tried adoption places still no one wanted her. She decided to live on the streets . That day she decided that she was old enough to get a job . She went to the local shopping center and applied for a job. After her interview she started working that same day. Then when she done done she went back to the hard street. Then the next day she she went back to work and worked a double. Then the next day she had 100$ then she worked one month and she had earned 1,000$. Then she got a place to live . Then she bought some new clothes and things and also some food and water. Then she looked at the calendar. And it was a day before Christmas and she still had no family. So she went to work and when she checked that family out they looked so familiar. The eyes and the hair . They looked like they were her parents . She said mom dad . I have been waiting for you my whole life. They said Mary..... Mary Is that you. Yes it is. Mary" then said why did you leave me on the streets." The parents said' We didn't you got kidnapped . And we have tried to look for you we never found you now my dear sweet heart ." You have rely. WOW ! SO that Christmas she finally has a family to spend the holidays with


Okayy...so this one happens to be a surprisingly simple story here but for something as short as this one is, I think you convey a beautiful little message here and I absolutely how simple and wholesome that ending ends up being despite it perhaps not being the most realistic of endings.

Moving onto specifics, for one I feel like this story could be better conveyed if you split it into two paragraphs, and had one with the sadder part where you're establishing the situation of this girl and how she lives on the streets without anyone to look out for here, before you then pu that reconciliation and that wonderful ending in another paragraph, just to show those a little more clearly as a change in fortune for our character here.

I also feel like you could perhaps lean in a little more towards that middle point where things start getting better and she finds her family. At the moment that section is a little rough and it seems like her family kind of appear out of nowhere, so I think a bit more detail there could be good.

At any rate, that's about all I have to say here. It was a really fun read and its that type of story which puts a smile on your face. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell