Young Writers Society

Hey Super!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a sweet little story and I guess getting reunited with your long lost family does count as a super great Christmas miracle. I understand what you were trying to convey here but I think that the message got lost somewhere between the short sentences and the clunky paragraph.

First of all, you have to have more content. I felt like I was reading a summary of events rather than a short story. Things just keep on happening to this girl and yet we cannot find it within ourselves to react because we have not been able to form any kind of connection with the protagonist. We don't know her and we don't get to know her. And if your can't get your readers to care about your character then it becomes a little difficult to keep them invested in your story. I think if you added a few personal details here, maybe described her, or told us a little about her life, then we can form the kind of connection with her that is necessary to make the ending feel more emotional.

Emotions. That is something your story is lacking in. You need to add more emotions and thoughts so that the story does not feel drab. A few descriptions here and there would have made the story livelier. Perhaps establish a setting, describe the scene, play with the thoughts of the girl and add more emotion. Otherwise, it feels more like we are reading items off a checklist.

Other than that, you need to work a little on formatting. Big chunks of text like this make it a little daunting for readers and scare them off before they even get started on it. Besides long paragraphs also make it difficult to follow the sentences. Another thing is the punctuation. There were several punctuation errors in this short piece. They were not anything severe but even small errors like these disrupt the flow of the story and make it difficult to continue with the same pace.

But your story does have a fairy tale quality to it. The simple straight forward use of language and the short clipped sentences reminded me a little of the stories I used to read as a kid. It was lacking a bit in the content department but I can very well imagine that in the end, the young girl got her fairytale ending and lived happily ever after with her family.

Overall, this was a really great attempt and I think if you work on it a bit more, you can polish it up into something great. There were some inconsistencies in the plot and certain points that are a little unbelievable. But it was still a sweet story and thank you for sharing it!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hello!

First off, formatting. This is just one chunky paragraph and should be separated into sections. When a new event happens, new paragraph. Speech, new paragraph.

'One morning a few months before Christmas, there was a young girl and she lived on the street' - I get that this is similar to a 'Once upon a time' sort of beginning, but it doesn't really make sense. It should go something like 'One morning..., there was a young homeless girl struggling with the reality that her parents had left her.' Something like that, there needs to be some sort of action for the sentence to make sense. Otherwise it reads like she just appeared on the street one morning.

'There was a young girl and she lived on the street' - I thought you meant she lived in a house on the street. Maybe say she was homeless?

In the middle of the story you have a lot of sentences beginning with 'Then' which makes this just read like a long checklist rather than a story.

How old was the girl when she was first homeless? How does she not remember being kidnapped but she remembers what her parents look like? Surely if she was kidnapped she was taken somewhere before she was then on the streets? Didn't she try to go home? If she went home wouldn't she have found her parents?

I'm confused.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I see that you're new here. Welcome to YWS!! Hope you enjoy it here!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

One Morning a few months before Christmas,Their was a young girl and she lived on the street .she was just so sad when her parents went missing . She thought they did not want or even like her she thought that they had abandoned her. All she ever wanted was a family who wanted her. After she tried adoption places still no one wanted her. She decided to live on the streets . That day she decided that she was old enough to get a job . She went to the local shopping center and applied for a job. After her interview she started working that same day. Then when she done done she went back to the hard street. Then the next day she she went back to work and worked a double. Then the next day she had 100$ then she worked one month and she had earned 1,000$. Then she got a place to live . Then she bought some new clothes and things and also some food and water. Then she looked at the calendar. And it was a day before Christmas and she still had no family. So she went to work and when she checked that family out they looked so familiar. The eyes and the hair . They looked like they were her parents . She said mom dad . I have been waiting for you my whole life. They said Mary..... Mary Is that you. Yes it is. Mary" then said why did you leave me on the streets." The parents said' We didn't you got kidnapped . And we have tried to look for you we never found you now my dear sweet heart ." You have rely. WOW ! SO that Christmas she finally has a family to spend the holidays with