**So I have tried my hand at slam poetry. I'm not entirely sure how to format slam poetry, but I broke it up a bit so it's not one big long run-together paragraph to make it easier to review and read. This was one of those things that I've been wanting to write about for years, but could never find the words to write it and then one day it hit me and this happened. Go ahead and dissect this thing. This poem is kind of a combination of what my friends and I have been through when we were bullied and kind of what the people who bullied us went through.**
To hear me read my slam poem: http://vocaroo.com/i/s16MKasUGsIj
To see a video I made of the slam poem using Adobe Voice: http://voice.adobe.com/v/G6zQSWR-Bik
Note: the video may take a couple of minutes to load, be patient. It may lag a little bit so just pause it for a minute and let it buffer so it doesn't stop every 2 seconds.
*links will open in new tab*
~~~~~~~~
You are not alone.
I've been there too.
Feeling like everyone hates you.
Wanting to run away from the name calling, the shunning, and the teasing.
I've been there. I've gone through it.
You are not alone.
When I was 12, I tried to escape all of the pain.
A bottle of pills to end my misery.
And honestly, it's not worth it.
There's more pain in dying than in living.
You are not alone.
They called me stalker, a disease, a weirdo.
The teasing it hurt. People's words were like razors and they cut through me like paper.
I tried to let their words roll off like rain.
I told myself I was titanium, that their words would ricochet off and that it couldn't hurt me.
But the saying: sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt, is a lie.
Sticks and stones will break your bones and words will break your heart.
It's a mantra we tell ourselves over and over again.
We believe that if we tell ourselves that words can't hurt us enough times, that we will believe it and the pain will stop.
But it always hurts.
You are not alone.
I sat alone at lunch. I sat alone in class. I was alone everywhere I went. I know what it feels like to feel less than dirt. I know what it feels like to be in a crowded room and yet feel entirely alone.
You are not alone.
These people are hurting too.
They come from broken homes, abusive parents, they feel unloved too.
They are hurting as much as they are hurting you.
We are not alone.
We all matter. We are all important. Sometimes life is hard. Even when we feel alone, there is always someone out there who cares about you.
Don’t hurt yourself tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day and the future is not set in stone.
Better things can happen.
You are never alone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Lovely. Absolutely lovely. I especially like how you tied in "Titanium" and expanded upon the lyrics for a more powerful message.
EPICnumber1 here for a review...
Hello, I love this poem because it is quite emotional and I love the repetition: you are not alone. Brilliant.
When you say, sticks and stone may brake my bones. You have put my in stead of may which I think is just a typo.
I think some of the line are quite long and could do with shortening them up a bit. I think you have explained well in this poem what you went through and what you believed the bullies went through which is hard to do in a poem. You reassure others going through the same with the phrase: you are not alone.
Maybe consider stanzas?
Brilliant poem overall and if I could give this a mark out of then I'd give it 9.2/10 which is pretty precise.
Keep writing
~~~~~~~~
EPICnumber1
Thanks for the review!
Firstly I must ask you, was the doctor who reference deliberate? And if so, methinks it should be a little more obvious.
Secondly, the piece seems a little on the long side for slam poetry. There seems to be a bit of repetition (I'm not talking about repetition of a phrase which is used for emphasis, but re stating fundamental poetical themes) which is wholly unnecessary.
Thirdly, I'd like to have a few words concerning the opening lines. You are not alone is perfectly fine as an opening line, but the next two seem rather plain and obvious. They could be contracted to a rather more punchy and effective "Everyone hates me too." or something to that effect.
There seems to me to be a few instances where the lines are longer than pessary, and the fourth line is a good example of this. I have mentioned before that I think it could be shortened, and, to use this example, "Wanting to run away from the name calling, the shunning, and the teasing." might be more effective as "Wanting to run, run from the name calling, the shunning, the teasing."
Other than these general advisory points that I have given I can find no critique. Overall I'd give this six point nine out of ten.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend.
Thanks for the review Fiend!
Hellooo.
Hassan here with a review.
I get what this is about. I can relate to it perfectly and feel the various emotions running through this poem.
You started off very strongly. Had a very powerful impact, but I feel that your pace, that power slowly died down somewhere in the middle, but resurfaced at the end. That's probably because of the sentences being longer, which hindered the flow a bit.
I loved how you equated the ones being bullied with the bullies.
You used the repetition very cleverly and it had it's effect.
The ending was very moving. I liked the message you conveyed and it rounded off the poem very well.
Good job
Rating: 8.5/10
Hassan
Thanks for the review!
any time
Hello, darling! Here to review!
Because this is a slam poem, I won't get on you for punctuation or anything, considering it's been written down when it's really not a format that's extremely conducive to writing it down. Instead, my critique will focus on how it reads out loud and the impact it could have, as well as its overall message.
To begin with, I do enjoy the message of this poem overall, but I do have one little problem: I feel like (and I know you didn't intend this) it begins to "excuse" people hurting/bullying other people because they've been hurt; this becomes especially prominent when you emphasize that they've been through the same horrible trials and tribulations, and I think you might benefit from adding something like "It's never okay, and it will never be okay", or just clarifying your message a little further.
I also feel like while you start off strongly, with your repetition as your own sort of mantra throughout the piece, as it nears the end, it weakens. There are two things that people will remember about a performance: The beginning, and the end. Your beginning is strong, but your ending weakens - I think you could probably change the line that includes "the future is not set in stone" to the end, because that would be like going out with a bang, whereas ending with "You are never alone"... doesn't have as much of an impact, at least for me.
Overall, I think that a lot of this depends on performance value and how you emote in front of an audience. Two poets could read this poem in ten different ways; one poet could read it a hundred. A lot of the repetition working or not depends on where you place the emphasis, and really, a lot of it also depends on the emotion and the inflection in your voice and your face. I think that this has the potential to be really, really strong; it just needs a few tweaks. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review Vintage!
Hi Sunshine!
Well to start off, I enjoyed this poem. It brought back lots of memories for me since I can definitely understand with the narration quite a bit. I especially love the line "Tomorrow is a new day and the future is not set in stone." This is true and while people are suffering from depression and the cruel actions of others, especially bullying, they have trouble remembering that things aren't always going to be that way.
The cruelty of others can definitely make you feel alone and everyone deserves to know that they aren't alone. It can be very hard to deal with this and people really should stick up for those who can't do it themselves. No one deserves to be hurt in such ways and I find this poem truly enlightens that understanding and can say I really enjoyed reading it and love the way you write. I do find some of the lines a bit long for a poem but otherwise, this is very well done!
Sincerely,
Soulkana
Thanks for the review!
Hello Sunshine1113!
This is actually pretty good! A little halting, but quite good! I really like this part:
I've had to tell myself that a lot, just because I'm slightly overweight and I have a autistic brother. But the future wasn't set in stone, now I'm thin.
~Kelpies.
Thanks for the review Kelpies!
Its pretty good but just as a general comment......
will a non-depressing story ever get picked in the spotlight -3-
Will review come the day
I love it!
review,
Hi there, This poem was fantastic! The lines fit great together! I felt like some parts were rushed but most of it flowed together. Great Job, I know this is a short review but I thought that this poem deserved the feedback! Your right, no one is alone!!
Great Job, keep writing
~cassaundra~
Thanks for the review!