*I'm sorry it took me this long to post, I have a horrible case of writers block. I have no idea how to continue and I don't particularly like what I have either :/. I feel like I'm just throwing facts at you guys and I'm not quite sure how to break it up. Plus I think I'm contradictory in a few places. Please review this to death! This needs a little TLC to grow into one amazing chapter :) And I'm not 100% sure if I should classify this as Kingdom Keepers fan fic or not and the title is still kind of undecided... Looks like you guys have a lot of reviewing to do...*
My name is Rosalyn Disney. I live in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, with my parents and my little brother, Justin. Basically my family owns the Disney Company, (as if our last name didn’t give that away), so I guess you can say we’re famous and rich. My great grandpa is Walt Disney. I’m one of the five Kingdom Protectors who protect the Fantasy World and the Real World from the Outcasts.
When Grandpa Walt discovered the Power he realized that whatever animated character or world he created for a movie would come into existence. To keep them a secret and protected he combined all of the worlds he created and made the Fantasy World. It’s sort of like a safe haven for Disney characters.
There are 4 major divisions of the Fantasy World: Wonderland, Neverland, Wasteland, and The Dark Kingdom. All Disney Theme Parks have unique and special entrances to the various parts of Fantasy World and every entrance is protected by a magic spell so only the Kingdom Protectors, a select few cast members, my family, and characters can enter and exit.
The Dark Kingdom is where all the Disney Villains and bad guys live. They were exiled to Dark Kingdom because they kept causing harm to the other characters. Together the Villains joined forces and became the Outcasts. Actually, they call themselves the DV, (that’s shorthand for Disney’s Villains), but everyone else calls them the Outcasts because they were out casted to DK, (that's shorthand for a Dark Kingdom). Their main goal is to wreak havoc and steal the Power to rule both the Real World and Fantasy World.
This is where the Kingdom Protectors come in; Grandpa Walt and four of his most trusted Imagineers sat down together in a top secret meeting to discuss how they would handle the Outcasts. They decided that they would need a team of 5 people who would protect the Real World from the Outcasts as well as the Fantasy World. Grandpa Walt, Robert O’Malley, Samantha Stefani, Pete Anderson, and Cindy Boyle were the first Protectors; that’s everyone who was in that meeting. Their descendants ended up being Protectors. The Kingdom Protectors was a recent title my friends and I decided to use instead, in my opinion it sounds cooler than just the Protectors.
I guess I should explain what the Power is now. Well the truth is, I’m not completely sure either. My mom says that I’ll figure it out as time goes on, but I’m 16 now and so far I still don’t know much more than when I was seven. I know it has to do with Grandpa Walt’s paintbrush from when he made his first cartoon; but that’s not a whole lot to go on. According to the rumors in Fantasy World only a Disney can use the Power to its full potential. That’s the Ultimate Power, like Grandpa Walt had.
My friends; Gwen O’Malley, Katelyn Stefani, Brian Anderson, Josh Boyle, and I are the Kingdom Protectors. It’s a top secret group; no one other than a small handful of Cast Members and our families know about it. You’re not really picked to be a Kingdom Protector, it’s something that you're born into. When you're seven there is an initiation ritual and you are sworn in to the Protectors. After that the elder Imagineers tell you where the secret entrances are and all that other 411 info. Then next thing you know you’re a Kingdom Protector and have to solve all the problems the Characters have and protect the Real and Fantasy World from the Outcasts. It’s really hard trying to balance out saving the worlds and doing well in school.
Oh that’s another thing too, school. I go to Yen Sid High. Hmm, I wonder what Yen Sid spells backwards, DISNEY! Yup my Grandpa got a school named after him. Just kidding, I actually go to St Mary’s High School. Yen Sid High is in Fantasy World, not the Real World. Yen Sid is the wizard from Fantasia when Mickey Mouse stole his wizard hat and the mops came to life and did his chores. He's the principle of the school. He's a really great guy, but has a short temper.
Delinquents at Yen Sid usually end up being turned into mops and have to do chores until they've learned their lessons. Sadly, Yen has a tendency to be forgetful and sometimes those poor kids end up being mops for the rest of their life or until someone reminds him to change them back. I'm so happy don’t go to Yen Sid. Regular school adds some normalcy to my life.
You’re probably thinking that because my family is famous that I’m super popular and have lots of friends. Well I don’t have a lot of friends and I'm not really that popular. Other than the Protectors I only have a couple.
Actually the Protectors aren’t really my friends. We can never agree on anything and constantly fight which is part of how I lost the Power. So really the only friends I truly have are Nikkia and Jake. We’ve been inseparable since that first day of second grade. That was when my parents had decided to take me out of public school and put me in a private school because of the better education and because it made good publicity for them.
Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t a Kingdom Protector. Just because my last name is Disney I’m automatically made the leader of the Protectors. Did I mention I have no leadership skills what-so-ever? And I mean none. I’m not brave at all. I don't like being the center of attention. I like to just keep to myself and not worry about the destruction of the Fantasy World and Real World. Unfortunately as the tradition goes a Disney is always the leader.
*and this is where I left off and can't think of how to continue. And I kind of didn't want to go any father than I did because this thing is in desperate need of help before I went any farther. Please tear this thing apart! Also I uploaded this via iPad and so there's probably a couple of formatting issues*
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140,691 Literary Works • 673,622 Reviews
Hey there Sunshine! I thought it was about time I read something of yours, and seeing this made me sure it was it
I also read the first chapter as well, and hopefully can give you some ideas to help break that Writers block!
Firstly, I have to say I love the idea of combining the fairytales and bringing them into the modern day world. It has been done before, I'll admit, but if you can put your own twist on it I'm sure you can make it absolutely wonderful. I can already picture the Outcasts escaping and wandering into the real world which sends her chasing after them all, using other characters in their stories like the princesses or others to help find them. And maybe some references to the actual stories could be made too. Like the 101 Dalmatians villain is found because in that area suddenly all the puppies went missing or something
Now for the tougher part: criticism. The thing is, I felt like this second chapter could actually be stretched into three or four, if you went into some more detail! I felt like this whole chapter was really a long info dump where it could've been made more interesting and story-like instead of Rosalyn telling us what her life is like. She could show us! I will pick out a few places where it would be awesome to do that right after I mention...
How much I love the name Rosalyn. Beautiful <333 You couldn't have chosen any better!
This could be a perfect moment to show and not tell. Bring us into her big house, maybe the story starts with Rosalyn waking up. When she does we get to the see the expensive windows and all which shows us they are rich, but doesn't tell us. Maybe she can hear the familiar buzz of paparazzi outside her house which never really seems to leave (showing fame.) And then she goes downstairs and sees her family file into the room one by one as they wake up, an hour or two in between each person. And as they enter we get to know their names, their appearance and how strong their relationship is or what it is like by how they talk and react to each other. All this could fill this chapter alone and shows us so much more than you tell us in that paragraph! It also eradicates any info-dumpedness
What! You breach over that so much so suddenly! I want you to let us know how Grandpa Walt discovered the Power! Maybe Rosalyn recalls it as a bedtime story her grandfather used to always tell her, or maybe this time she asks about it at breakfast and Grandpa retells the tale...
Hmm... these lands sound so interesting! I like the way you've chosen out the names as well
Ah again, it would be nice to meet them one by one or in a quick group (if you are going for the one by one approach for the family, which I strongly suggest, then maybe a quick group meeting would be best for here) so that it is shown and not told to us. Which means maybe they have a quick meet up before they go on their rounds, seeing as they are all Kingdom protectors.
Again this would be a great idea for a chapter of its own! It could maybe be a flashback scene where we can actually see what the initiation ritual consists of and what thoughts are going through her mind as she is sworn in and such...
You're forgetting the 'I' in this sentence
Woah you totally skip over this too quickly! She lost the Power! How did she do that? How can she still be lead Protector without it? I sense another flashback scene in here... Also, don't tell us they argue, but show me an argument full of dialogue and anger and then briefly mention throughout it how they never get along!
I hope all these things gave you some ideas for future chapters. That way we can iron out the info dump and hopefully inspire you to write more for the story! I am liking what I've read so far, and would definitely want to continue reading more! So drop a message or link on my wall whenever Chapter three is out for me to read!
Deanie x
Thanks, I know this was an information dump. Actually when I wrote it the first time I did have a description of her house. I did have more descriptions the first time I wrote it, then my iPad deleted it. I had to do it all from scratch with a few of the paragraphs I saved in my email. Thank you so much for picking this apart because it desperately needed it. You've given me a few good ideas for future chapters. (Cruella DeVill won't be stealing puppies.... Muhahahaha) btw, Wasteland is an actual place. It's in Epic Mickey (a video game).
*i meant to say before my iPad so rudely posted before I could fix it was that Wasteland isn't actually a Wasteland.... Not exactly deserted so much as forgotten. Just a forgotten place..... I won't say more because I don't want to spoil future chapters.
Ah okay! Do let me know when more is out for me
Ah okay! Do let me know when more is out for me
Hey, runawaylove here to review and "tear this thing apart"! (Lol just joking
)
First of all, writer's block is something all writers fear. Some time ago I went through it and it was horrible. It's like you are not yourself anymore. You have ideas but you don't know how to put them into words. So here I am to help you as much as I am capable of.
Let's start off with the writing style. As you said at the beginning you feel like you are just throwing facts, so you know what the problem is. Try to make the whole thing more interesting. Add a little humour and spice to it and tell your in a way that it seems more magical. You are just stating things so you should try describing more of what Rosalyn feels and her interests. It is very hard to picture everything. Make it more visualizing by adding more details and imagery. For example, you did not include how Rosalyn looks or what type of person she is. Though at the end you included that she does not have many friends etc. As Rosayn is the narrator, it is important for the reader to be able to visualise the narrator and know what type of person he/she is. It is quite hard to connect with the narrator.
Personally, I love fan fiction especially one that includes fantasy. I think the title is fine so no need to be unsure. I know how hard it is to write through a writer's block and I think you did a great job. This story needs a little editing and it's good to go. Just don't give up. To overcome writer's block I would suggest you to try freewriting. It helped to overcome my writer's block. http://420fables.com/ is a website for freewriting. I hope this review was helpful. I don't really review short stories as it's not my area. (Poems, I write poems :3 ) Keep writing! <3