** I edited this thing to death and I reworded pretty much everything and took out a lot of stuff. Hopefully I made this a little more understandable and less choppy. A lot of the stuff I took out will be better explained and used in future chapters. Thanks to everyone who helped me edit this and gave me ideas, dragons aren't my forte, your help was greatly appreciated.**
Sometimes I wonder how people can live their lives, completely unaware that there are mythical creatures living among them. It’s really mind-blowing to me how oblivious people are to it. Then again, the only reason I know about them is because I’m a dragonoid. A dragonoid is simply a fancier term for being a human-dragon hybrid.
I personally love being a dragonoid. Mostly because of the abilities to breathe fire, having water powers, and flying. Unfortunately the cons would be ripping through a lot of shirts when your wings sprout from you back as well as accidently setting things on fire. Those are just occupational hazards that come with being part dragon I guess.
I’m only fifteen so I’m not old enough for my water powers. Nor am I in complete control of my transformations yet. I’m still learning though, I will get it all eventually. I just have to keep practicing and working at it.
It’s been difficult for me to learn how to use my powers due to the fact my older siblings have to teach me. So I’m pretty much on my own with all of this. My dad is a dragonoid and he did teach my older siblings some things, but their knowledge is very limited. He’s been gone for years now. My mom had divorced him when he finally told her he was a dragonoid.
Dad made us promise to keep the fact we were dragonoids a secret right before he left. As a reminder to not tell mom no matter how hard it was and to remember him by, he gave us each a dragons tooth on a leather strap. It could easily pass as a shark’s tooth, so mom wouldn’t have suspected anything. I wear mine all the time, that’s the last memory I have of dad; I feel like he’s with me whenever I wear it.
I really miss dad. He left when I was only six. I only vaguely remember him now. His chuckling laugh and his deep green wings have all but faded from my memory. My older brothers and sister tell me stories about him and all the fun they used to have together. Sometimes I ask mom what he was like. She says he was a good man. That's all she's ever said about him though. He's all but a mystery to me.
Memories of him before he left suddenly started to flood my mind. I habitually played with my dragon’s tooth that loosely hung from my neck. I rubbed its polished smooth and partially worn surface between my fingers. A single tear started to stream down my face.
Dad, why did you have to tell mom? We could have all kept it a secret, and you wouldn’t of had have had to leave. He had good reason to, but I wish he didn’t. Why did mom have to be so non-understanding? I sighed. Keeping this a secret has been so hard and trying to learn how to control my transformation is even harder. If he were here, he could show me how to use my powers. He’s not here though; I have to learn to use my powers and how to transform on my own.
I wish I knew him better. He left when I was so young; I never got to really know him.
I gripped the yellowing tooth in my left hand. More tears started to stream down my face. There was no way I was going to let another day or year go by without knowing him.
I silently vowed to myself to find the father I barely knew.
I was going to find him, no matter how long it took or how hard it was.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Sometimes I wonder how people can live their lives, completely unaware that there are mythical creatures living among them. It’s really mind-blowing to me how oblivious people are to it. Then again, the only reason I know about them is because I’m a dragonoid. A dragonoid is simply a fancier term for being a human-dragon hybrid.
I see you haven't written chapter two. Please continue this! The first paragraph has literally gotten me hooked and I'd really like to read this story! I wonder the same about people not knowing that mythical creatures are real (I'm not mad), just because you can't see something that doesn't mean it's not in existence.
Those are just occupational hazards that come with being part dragon I guess.
That's a very funny sentence! I'm loving this chapter and I've found no errors.
I really miss dad. He left when I was only six.
I'm very interested in how he's going to find his father. The chapter was short, and would easily work as a prologue. The world you've created is awesome, please pick this novel back up again.
I personally liked the ending on the original, but this one is ok too. Many times even your average person feels that way, that is why many may really like it. It relates to many lives, giving it a personal touch to it that any reader sees. I agree with the statement "Why did mom have to be so non understanding?" I mean, she married him because she loved him (hopefully) so why would her husband being part dragon change anything? Sure there would be a lot of trauma but life could have gone on as normal, only more harmonious because she knew and they had worked it out. Sorry if this review was absolutely no help, as I said, I don't like to really pick at errors that don't make themselves very apparent (unless it is my own work and I have no choice).
I meant to take this down. I've scrapped this storyline. I'm completely rewriting it again. Hopefully it'll be better and easier to follow and make more sense than this did. Thanks for the review though lovey
You have been putting a lot of work into this piece, I am thankful for that. You have already done more on this one chapter than I have done on all of mine.
im a perfectionist. If it's not perfect I keep changing it and working on it until it is.
I love how you have opened the book to a bigger plot handled but this is really more of a prologue. It is an awesome prologue but if you want to make this an actual chapter than you would add more do it. Your character is straightforward and blunt but a little too blunt since this is a book. You could have added other things that indicated what type of dad this was or how he reacts to his leaving or what he thinks of his mother. You could add these in later but so far, it is really good and I hope you take these in thought.
Whoa.. that was very well done and professional. At first I wished there was more emotion, but then I realized just what you had done. You did something very thoughtful, and that is honestly and truly portrayed a young boy gone into sadness. I realized that you were right and not I. So, well done I say. Keep up the good work, because, I for one, can't wait for the next chapter and those that follow. Thank you for taking me on the beginning of an adventure. If I had to make any critique.. gosh it's really lame because your work is so polished and professional... The only thing would be to describe the mom just a little more. Show how exactly the boy feels towards her. Maybe add a little about the older brother and sister. For a prologue though.. this is very well done. Thank you, from Cynder.
Hello Sunshine, Wolf here for a review.
So tiny nitpick:
It should be 'your' back. Also a comma should be before 'as'.
I really like this concept. It's very interesting, especially to me loving dragons as I do. However, I wouldn't consider this an 'info dump', this story does just present this information on a silver platter. Also I don't really see a bug plot in this. This is supposed to be the first chapter, which needs to hook the reader!
Some suggestions:
Here it is told very simply to us what this is. Sure it's nice to know, but try telling us in a more creative (flow-y?) way. Such as 'Having dragon heritage, has it's perks...' Sorry bad example, but I think you get my point.
Anyway, good luck continuing this! This will turn out great, keep writing
~Wolfare
Heyo Sunset, Subtle here for a review! So Rachael covered a few good points there already with the show don't tell. Because that's a major part of why your story comes away as a bit flat and not very, let's say thrilling or interesting? I feel that as if in there, it was just a mixture of info dumping and the character stating things, sorry to be blunt. But let me argue my case:
Throughout the whole story, we basically get this massive info dump on her history and what happened with her dad, we don't give a feeling of the mood, the setting, or the character really. Well, all I know is that. She is a dragonid who is going to find her father. The whole part of narrating things out, like in paragraph one. Stating that I am a dragonoid and then you also state that her father had gone away. Perhaps others might say that your story is simple and that's why is intriguing, well, what's wrong with adding in a few descriptions? Swap the narrating voice with a few similes. Couldn't all of this have been incorporated into a situation that would have brought out both the characters and the backstory?
Like the part with the dragon tooth, it seemed to me she or he had started playing with it out if nowhere so that doesn't make much sense. I know the MC habitually plays with it, but you could ave foreshadowed that and in that process, you could have included the backstory of the MC's dad left. Instead of pasting it on the page like a fact sheet.
Also, in order to stop the telling so much, try and avoid the use of to before a verb. Like to stream, to flood, to run, to miss. it is a very typical case of telling,
Alright, on with the ending. I bet is isn't the first time he or she has thought of this. But why now, why now all of a sudden our MC has this urging temptation to go find him? Well, these questions will probably be answered. You have a plot, yes, but your character is under developed and you need to show us things. In fact, if I'm going be blunt I'm going right out and say this was more like a synopsis of what's going to happen instead of a chapter because is like you've just told us everything.
But hey, keep writing and the magic will come, sorry if I was harsh.
-S.s
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
An important nitpick here:
Dad should be capitalized. You're using it as his name, therefore it should be capitalized. Now, why is this important you may ask? Well, you make the same mistake a lot of places in this chapter. You do the same with Mom as well. Just remember, if you're using mom and/or dad as a name, you must capitalize them.
As for the story, I feel like it's a bit 'telling' right now. There's a lot that I learn about your MC in this chapter, but I'd like to have learned it in a different way. Instead of you telling us about this character and listing what's been going on in his/her life, why don't you put them in a certain situation and let the information show through how they react and all that. For example, does your MC go to school? If so, they could end up going to school and having to write a paper about how their father is inspirational and all that. Then you can put in the part about your MC's father being gone. Stuff like that. Because right now it just seems like you're listing everything that's going on in their life.
I hope to see more action, so to speak, in future chapters. I think this is quite an interesting and original idea. I don't really read books about dragons, but I haven't seen any out there that are about people who are half human. It almost seems like they're werewolves, but they're dragons instead. Does that make sense? Makes sense to me...
Anyway, you've got a good start here. We've got a great bit of information about the MC, their family, and the story. It seems more like a prologue than a first chapter though, but it's okay I guess. I'm looking forward to reading more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there, Sunshine!
My name's Rach, and I'm old bones here on YWS. I also love dragons. And puppies. And writing that is properly punctuated. Here, I found all three!
What I liked most about this is that I can see your sense of humor (witty and sarcastic and intelligent and wonderful) peeking through the clouds here. I can also hear your writing voice asserting itself in your sentences and word choices. Most awesome of all, as I read this I started to immerse myself in the story and participate as an audience member.
Oh my, I thought to myself. Being a half dragon would be complicated. How would you explain that you burnt your homework to your teacher? Would you have an intolerance for heat? Naturally, of course, people would think it's a shark tooth. Humans are like that.
The brilliance of your story here is in its simplicity. You've got a boy who's half dragon (and who doesn't want to be a dragon?) who wants to know who his dad is. No Evil Plot of Evilness (yet, anyway) or World Danger of Dangerousness, and I'm at least already endeared to your character, because he has a sense of humor and because I can imagine the complications being a half dragon would bring.
In terms of critique, it comes down to two things.
1) I want MORE of the humor, the wit, the cleverness--this character's personality and your writerly voice.
and
2) I want action instead of introspection.
Regarding the first thing, I suggest reading aloud so you can hear your brilliance yourself and more importantly here all those spots that could be improved for even more brilliance. I would also love to read some mini-stories of how being a dragonoid has its pros and cons. Instead of telling us about the time he ripped his shirt, in other words, write a little story of the time he did. Write the story of the time he accidentally did burn his homework.
Write the little story of how his siblings try to help him learn but aren't much good at it, and the consequences of that--and maybe also give us some examples of how he has to hide and explain things to his mother.
Regarding the second thing, it comes back to that "Show don't tell" rule of writing. Right now, most of the chapter is him telling us about how much he misses his dad and wishes he was here and didn't know him and now wants to find him. I'd rather be shown how he comes to realize how he needs his father and how he comes to this resolution to go find him.
Conveniently, I think the series of mini-stories could show us everything you tell us right now. Tell us that being a dragonoid is fun but also sort of complicated, and that his siblings aren't very good teachers and his mom isn't very open-minded and his father's absence just can't go on any more. Does that make sense?
That's what I've got for you. Hope it gives you something to consider!
Rach