Published September 24, 2010
Breathing heavily Selene Day peered around at the corner of the dark forest. Nothing. The forest was thick, evergreens were everywhere. It was wild-Vamyre hangout. She was out to kill.
" I know your there," she hissed angrily contenmlating her next move.
Selene had trained hard for the day when she could meet this monster. He had caused so much pain.Rustling. Selene pointed her gun at the bush. How weak. The Vampyre didn't even try to hide. The rustling continued. Suddenly- A squirrel jumped out!
" You gave me quite the scare, little guy", Selene chuckled to herself.
Then it came. The foul, dead smell like rotting pizza ( funny how that worked actually). Blood. Rotton blood. Vamyre. Before she could cry out hands came around her throat.
" Don't even think about it."
The smell of death overwelmed her, threated to choke her. The cold, long fingures of the Vamyre tightened around her neck.
" Your a Vamyre Hunter", he said fear etching his voice.
Trying to make a snappy comeback Selene raised her foot and kicked her hard black high heel into his leg. The Vamyre lost his grip and Selene ran out of it, gasping.
" Clever, girl", he chuckled," but I can easily kill you."
Flipping back her long, dark hair Selene smiled.
" I know that. I'm not stupid you know."
His laugh echoed throughout the endless forest.
" Of corse your not. Your one out of revenge. Who did I kill? Your sister? Aunt? Friend?"
The smile faded from Selene's lip's.
"Parent's."
She raised her gun, aiming quickly.
Moving faster than the human eye can see ,the vamyre ran to Selene and nocked the gun out of her hands. Then, putting his hands once again around her neck,he secured his arm around her stomach.
" No hunter has escaped me yet. Pray tell why would you be different?"
Gasping for breath Selene stuttered," I want to be one of you."
The vamyre chuckled. " You lie. I can feel it."
" Can you?"
Grasping her small riffle she pointed it at his leg.
" It will take more than that to kill me."
Laughing Selene shot his leg, " Who said- I was gonna kill you?"
Whipping away she aimed her gun quickly at his heart. His screams of pain soon came to her eager ears.
" You did good", A smooth voice came to her ear.
Whipping around Selene turned to face this new threat. Something wacked her on the head. She scummed into darkness.
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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Its a nice plot and it left us in suspense but the writing was a bit jerky and you should use spelling check when you're in doubt. Using 1 word sentences are alright but maybe you shouldn't use them too often. it doesn't give us the full meaning because it lacks it's helping words. When you use 1 worded sentences, you're practically taking away the predicate and leaving the subjects. Anyway, this was a nice story and I hope you continue to write more.
just a couple correctinons but i liked it
This is so good. The vamyre actually dies, very nice. Like everyone else noticed, I noticed a few mistakes but those can be edited easily. I loved the ending, you really made me want to read more of it. Keep writing, you are doing great!
There's a bunch of misspelled words, Careful! Commas and description are needed. I like the idea, but you need to make it more interesting, or the reader, well, won't be a reader.
Hello! I can't resist a fantasy, especially about Vampyres/Vampires.
"I know your there," she hissed angrily contenmlating her next move.
^ Should be: "I know you're there," she hissed angrily, contemplating her next move.^
That's one of MANY gramatical errors. Mainly a forgotten comma, of 'your' instead of 'you're'. Also, dialouge doesn't have to be written like this: " I went to a party", it is "I went to a party"
Overall, I quite liked it. The natural fantasy pull. Imagine it like Homer Simpson and donuts. Haha.
Keep going!
Rebz xx
Okay, well... where to begin
Your and You're
I'll start by telling you what I liked about it. The topic was somewhat interesting; why would a vampire hunter want to become the thing she has killed for so long? I hope there's a very interesting reason behind it, that would be engaging to read.
I'm not going to go through this like my more patient comrades, and pick out every grammar and spelling mistake that there is in this piece. xD There are two reasons behind this. One; there are too many mistakes. Two; I don't have enough time. So instead I will correct you on the basic principle of one of your more common errors.
There is a distinct difference between the two and they are used at different times. For example:
"Is that your pencil?"
"You're acting ridiculous."
See the difference? You're is a contraction of the phrase ' you are,' whereas 'your' denotes a possesive.
Here is an article on the topic, I think you'll find it very helpful.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic64571.html
One last point. Did you use a spellchecker at all? Because it looks like you didn't. Try to polish your piece and put more effort into it for the reviewer's sake. Picking out numerous spelling errors is something that I (and many others) do not have the patience for. xD After all, it's what a spellchecker is for. I suggest typing this in a Word or Works document first, and then transferring it over when posting a piece.
Good luck!
-Moo
What's rustling? And is there supposed to be a period before the word "rustling"?
The cold, long fingers of the Vamyre tightened around her neck.
"You're a Vamyre Hunter", he said, fear etching his voice.
Trying to make a snappy comeback Selene raised her foot and kicked her hard, black high heel into his leg.
Ran out of it sounds a bit awkward...
" Of course you're not. You're a hunter out of revenge. Who did I kill? Your sister? Aunt? Friend?"
Laughing Selene shot his leg, " Who said I was gonna kill you?" You didn't need the dash between "Who said" and "I was".
This is a very intriguing story, I want to find out what happens next!!
Alzora
I liked this story excpet there wasn't much to connect to. I liked how the vampire dies at the end
. I was happy she got her revenge. Everyone has picked out what I found so there isn't much for me to say. I liked this story except if only it was a little bit longer and there was more emotion in to so the reader could connect to your characters. That's all 
.
Wicked <3
Wow. Everyone has pretty much said everything that there is to be said... I won't repeat what has already been said. (1 little nitpick hahaha)
I don't like this line...it doesn't seem to fit with the theme of the piece. It sounds like the pun at the end of a joke
That was a good start
I loved it and I do hope you are still working on it. You had some spelling errors but i have many in my own as well. So I say you did great!! You have a good idea and I'm sure you just haven't showed us what it was yet.
Liked it a lot! Finally there is a story where the girl kills the vampire. Thank you for doing that.
Reviewing time =w=
You just made my day.
It actually died? OH THE MAKER, YES!!
Rather than it, being thrust into the story without any explanation as usual =w=
Oh how I love it when stories do that.
The way you describe your story was kind of hard for me to imagine it so just like what Elinor Brynn said, it kind of felt empty. Sometimes... or most of the time, I had to make up my own sentence from yours to figure out what you were trying to say. Or just putting a little bit of commas and etc.
But I can't blame you on that, I mean, I do write empty words sometimes.
Overall, it was a so-so, not good, not bad. Just fine.
But with the vamyre dying makes my day so good job :]
Hello there!
Here to review your piece.
EDIT:
Anyways, as seeing the whole story, I would've expected this to be something stronger or anything that leads to an action scene. There are though but it just lack of actions. And sometimes, you do a lot of telling. The story was too plain and there's nothing compelling about it. And I also want to suggest that you describe more of your character's physical features and personality. PM me for questions.
P.S. You might want to see Canislupis' thread. It would help you a lot : Your vs. You're
Keep writing!
Hope this helps,
yuri
GRRRRRRR!!!!!! I HATE cliffhangers! GRR! but this was really good. I wonder what rotting pizza smells like... no, i don't want to know. Keep writing!
Ok well thanks guys. I know this is a bit vague witha overly repeated last sentance, but I do appreciate the comments. Later i'll write a part 2 to clear things up. Also SHE DOES NOT KILL HERSELF!!!! I will most definitley clear THAT up.
Changed a bit, hope it helped. I meant to spell Vamyre like that. I thought it'd be different. Also sounds more mystical.
Hi there.
I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with the overall impression.
Did you mean rotten?
Point here, not just a comma.
These last sentences are a little bit confusing. What happens? What was the thump she heard? Why did she fell unconcious, or is she dead? I know that's what most short stories end like, in confusion. But we can figure out, or assume the end when in this case, I can't. I just don't know what happened, and I can't make out my own story.
The story was okay. I was a little bit disapointed by the end, I must say. I can't understand. And I can't assume anything. I kind of hate that... If you make some forshadowing, that's going to help with that. You missed some comma's. If you put them, it's going to help the tone of the story. I think this has great potential, but I would sugest you put a little bit more. Maybe some background for the MC and some forshadowing for the end, and it will be great.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hello.
If I could describe this story in one word, it would be emptiness. There's not really much that I feel or am attached to throughout the course of this. It's very short, and usually I wouldn't have a problem with that. I like short flashes like these, but this just feels vague and like you need to expand upon it. So, if you've introduced us to a vampire hunter (is there any reason spelled it without a p and a y instead of an i? Just curious--you might want to double check that) who has a grudge because they killed her parents. She finds the one that did, kills him, and then kills herself.
It's not a very original idea, first of all. We've seen ideas and acts of revenge in so many stories that it's unbelievable. It's not the fact that the revenge is in there that bothers me, it's how you handle it. We're introduced to this fact very late in the story, too late for us really to establish a personal connection.
Also, it's never really clear whether she's just doing this to get revenge, is a casual hunter who happens to find this particular vampire, or both. Whatever it is, you need more build-up to it. How would she recognize him? Does she think she's getting closer? Does she talk about how long she's searched for this specific vampire and failed? Right now it seems a bit sudden and unrealistic that she would just randomly come across him. Also, why would this vampire kill them instead of changing them? Also, how would he recognize your main character and place her with her parents? Humans are food to him; he probably doesn't think much about his victims.
I like that she kills herself in the end, but that needs build-up. Did she tell herself a long time ago that she would do that once the vampire who killed her parents had been dealt with? Does she suddenly feel incredibly remorseful, like she's stopped down to his level?
Overall I think this can be a lot better if you simply add more to the story. Hope this helps, and shoot me a PM if you have any questions!
-Elinor x
THat was reshfreshing!
Finally!
Something where the vampires actually die. Thank you.
Other then that, this was super interesting. I don't suppose your going to keep working on this, so the cliff hanger is absolutely torturous, which I don't find very nice.
I really, really, liked this!
~WickedWonder