Down or up? I purse my lips in the mirror. It looked good up, but I liked it better down. Then again, it was really wild when it was down. My wavy brown hair lay in curtainsaround by shoulders, it's fate still undecided.
" Take forever will you Karen? It's just hair."
I turn around, seeing my short haired sister poking her head into the bathroom.
" It's not time to leave yet is it?," I ask, turning back to the mirror.
" Actually..."
"Karen!," I yell and throw my hairbrush at her.
She ducks, sticking out her tounge.
" Better hurry up!," she laughs and walks away.
I sigh and give the mirror one last glance. Down it was. I walk out of the bathroom, glancing around the walls of our wood cabin.
" Zac?," I tell the wall," Time to go."
My blond headed 6-year old brother peeps his head out from a secret compartment in the wall.
" Already?," he falls in to step with me as we walk out the door.
Violet, the annoying sister, was standing at the end of the driveway her mouth gaping open.
" Violet?," I break into a jog and gallop over to her.
I touch her shoulder.
" Vi, what's wrong?"
She lifts up a pale arm towards our forest. Twisting my body over, I see what had startled Violet so bad. Our sweet evergreen forest, filled with forts and memories, was filled with construction cranes.
" What?? Mom that's crazy!"
After Violet had pointed out the cranes in the forest, I had run inside to see if mom knew anything.
She shrugged," It's true. I don't know a thing. The cranes weren't here last night."
" It's our property! They can't-"
" Karen, go. You don't want to miss the bus."
" But the forest...."
" Karen, go. We'll talk about it later."
Sighing I walk back outside. Walking slowly back to my siblings, my mind reels. I had to find out what was going on. As soon as posible.
'"What did she say?," Violet jumped on me.
" She doesn't know anythiong," I tell her.
The bus pulls up. I sit in an empty seat and press my face aganist the cool glass. Our forest...
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
" Did you here about the new mall there building?," My friend Destiny asked.
It was after one now and I STILL didn't have a clue about those cranes. It was Social Studies and I was sitting next to my friends Rose and Destiny.
" Mall?," I said. I didn't know a thing about a mall.
" Yeah there taking down a," Rose broke into a whisper," forest."
I roll my eyes. Rose thought I was overly defensive when it came into the enviroment. So I was. Still.
" Wait," I might have a lead here," What's the company?"
" Vinnie's construction, I think." Destiny would know. Her dad was a construction worker.
Trying to think about what Violet had showed me earlier, I gasp.
" That's the forest by my house!"
" Hey cool," Rose looks up," You can go shopping alot."
I throw her an evil look.
" There's no way their cutting down that forest."
"Chill Karen. There's plenty of forest around here. One down won't matter," Destiny said.
How could they be saying that? I clench my fist and glance around. Come to think of it , nobody in this room would care! well if nobody in this god forsakin town would help me save what I care about then I'd have to do it myself.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
i thought this story was really good, you have a great plot going on and your characters are very good. As the story went on it got even better i just think you might want to re write this first part, it doesnt make sense to me.
#FF0000 ">not many people gallop around their houseapart from that the rest was really good and i want to find out what happens next
Hi!
If you didn't say here that Violet is annoying, there is no way I would have known that she was. That's because you tell us about her without showing her to us. Actually, she seems particularly un-annoying in this piece. Show us how unusual it is for not to be acting annoying, rather than telling us that she is annoying. Get my drift? it will take up a lot more words, but that's fine. Right now, the piece is pretty much all either dialogue or little wispy paragraphs that are only one or two sentences long. Don't be afraid to give some big, meaty paragraphs to introduce the characters. Especially the main character! We are inside her head the whole piece, and I still don't have a great idea of her personality except what you have told me about her (that she likes the forest). You are along the right lines with having her obsessing over her hair in the beginning, but I want more of that. Give us more of what she's thinking! Her thoughts can ramble a little -- it's fine. That will help us get to know her, which will make us care about her, which will make us want to read more about her.Ilovebubbles123 has already pointed out most of the little errors and such, so I think I'll skip that and just talk about the story on a whole.
The plot here has a lot of potential -- you have set up characters, motives and settings for the next few parts of the series. I have to say, so far it's not terribly original. A beloved forest being cut down is (unfortunately) not all too unusual, and so far there's nothing to really define the characters. That's alright because the story hasn't really started yet, so there's still plenty of time to put your own twist on both the plot, and the characters. Also, though, this is an intro. The point of it is to pull readers in and make them want to read the next parts. Personally, I'm only attracted to this because it is sort of a blank slate, and I'm wondering where you'll go with it. If you introduced your characters (especially the main character) a little better, and made them a little more fleshed-out and individual, then I think the piece would be a lot more intriguing because I would be interested in the characters and want to read more about them.
My major suggestion for how you could go about doing this is through showing rather than telling. You've probably heard that phrase before, but I'm still going to explain it. :) Take this for example:
Also, watch your tenses. I think this is supposed to be in present tense, but there are several places where it slips into past tense, so watch out.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have questions abotu anything I said or if you want to
yell at me fordebate my review. I realize it may seem somewhat harsh, but please don't be discouraged!Hope this helps.
a
Curtains around....... that last bit makes no sense- I would reword it
short-haired, blond-haired (headed doesn't flow right),
Watch your end quotations. You don't always have to put a comma. In this case, the question mark serves as your end punctaution for the dialogue.
the driveway, her mouth gaping open
Sighing, I walk back outside.
hear about the new mall they're building?"
"Yeah! They're taking down a..." Rose broke into a whisper, "forest."
"There's no way they're cutting down that forest!"
I clench my fist(s?) and glance around. Come to think of it, nobody in this room would care! Well, if nobody in this god forsakin' town will help me save what I care about, then I'd have to do it myself!
Hey!
Above are some suggestions on grammar, spelling, and sentance fluency. Make triple sure you check your conventions! It makes readability much better!
It's a really interesting story! I love it!