Only Time *3*

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked the concept behind the plot. I have always found time-travel stories rather intriguing. There is a delicate balance that needs to be maintained in these types of stories, a balance that should keep all the plot points separate and interesting at the same time. There's so much that can go wrong in a time-travel fiction if you make a wrong calculation while building the basic foundation, but these stories still never fail to entertain you!

The concept was interesting enough. A girl who had been snatched away from her present to the future realizes what had been done and she wakes up in 'her' present again, only this time as a non existent ghost that no one can see or hear. The beginning to the story was intriguing as the chaos of the dialogue between Belle and Chad immediately captured the reader's attention and made them want to figure out what exactly was going on. There was a lot of confusion at first but it successfully acted as a hook.

The fast pace shed more importance on the dialogue, but due to the rapid exchange of words between the two characters we hardly get to meet Chad or form an opinion about his character before the scene promptly changes into another one. The same happens with Belle, but we still get an understanding of her character towards the end. She seems to belong to a dysfunctional family and it is evident that things are not good between her and her mother. From the way she has portrayed her mother, she feels like a cruel and superficial woman, and we can see how the lack of her mother's love or concern affects Belle. ON one hand, this is the first relationship that we have come across in this chapter, but we hardly know anything about it to form a concrete opinion.

As another review has pointed out, there were a lot of grammatical errors in the story and at times, the sentences felt as if they were hurried and not thought about too deeply. They were a little clunky at parts, and the expressions you used were a little awkward. Some of the expressions Belle used in her exchange with Chad made me wonder from which time or planet she was as I cannot really imagine anyone ever using them. On the other hand, they were really funny and the entire exchange brought a comedic relief to the chapter.

" Leave! Go! Don't may any mind to me, your own daughter!"

Here, I am pretty sure you meant 'pay' instead of 'may'!

If you go through the chapter carefully again, you will find several such typos and little errors scattered around. They are harmless enough, but they do grab our attention and break the flow of the story. I would suggest re-reading the chapter and editing it as you go. It could also do with a little relaxation of the pace. While the fast pace does make it feel like a rushing upward journey, at times I felt that we were running through the scenes instead of actually experiencing them.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hello there I'm Truth! Alright, let's get on with that review, shall we?

May 2010

Why those-them? My face flushes with anger and this time, comma I make no effort to choke it down. How dare they? How dare they hide such a thing from me? Those are questions, not exclamations... well, still exclamations but also questions Yet, comma deep down, comma I had felt feel Stay in present tense as much as possible-my face flushed even harder-no matter what I'd felt feel! I reach down to pick up my skirts, comma before I notice that they aren't there. A surge of anger flushes through me. They were trying to change me! I storm down the stairs and into the parlor, or whatever the demons of this time called it. Chad was sitting on a plush sofa, comma watching a strange, comma moving picture box. Hearing my steps, Chad turns around, smiling.

"You look-" he must have seen the look on my face, comma because he cut his sentence off, comma "Belle? What's wrong?"

"Like that matters any to you!" I screech, not quite thinking straight. "You and that father of yours are-"

"Are what?" Chad asksed, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

"Cursed mongrels!"

There. That sounded fine, comma coming from the lips of a girl who had never insulted a soul in her life.

"How dare you?" I continue," No! How dare I? To trust such...dungbeetles!"

"W-What? What in the world are you talking about?"

"You do not know? The slime that you are and you do not know!"

I believe I am finally off my rocker.Uh.. what?

"You and you evil father have failed to inform me that I have been taken- Nay, Stolen- from my own time and brought to this here," the numbers roll around in my mouth," 2010."

Chad paled and swore under his breathe.

"Lord...Dad's gonna kill me. How'd you find out?"

"The calendar."

"Look Belle, I'm sorry but-"

"Sorry! Dear sir do not even attempt to apologize. Just send me home!'

Chad stands up and gently touches my shoulder, comma "I'm wish-"

I slap away his hand, comma "Your sinful hand may not touch my skin."

"It's your sleeve!" Chad shouts, every inch of kindness fading from his face. "You act like I'm apart of this, comma like I want you here. Listen here, comma and listen close. I don't want you here.Your a mistake. YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"

"Why-you!"

"Me what?" Chad askes, exhaustion creeping into his eyes.

"You tiredIs that what you meant? out piece of twenty-first century meat!"

Suddenly, I feel my knees weaken and my breathe quicken.

"Quaint. For your time."

"What and your time is just amazingly better?"

"Of course it is. Your time is gone, comma dead. Never to be retrieved again. Get it? It's in the past, comma just like your life should be. Belle, your supposed to be dead."

Looking him squarely in the eyes, comma I open my mouth to say something truly awful, comma when my knees finally give out. My body is spread over with a numb feeling and my bones feel like pudding. I gasp for air, fearing the worst.

"Belle? Look I didn't mean it...Belle!"

I fall flat on my back, hitting the floor with a sickening thump.I thought she was already sprawled? Chad stands over me, but the mist is rising again and he is quickly fading. I must be dying. Death didn't claim me last time, so it must claim me now. Yet But, I couldn't die, comma I had so much to give. No...no...please, comma God...just no....

May 1900

My eyes slowly blink open and I see a bright blue sky. Is this heaven? I sit up, greedily wanting more. Instead of white castles, I am faced with a long, comma black road, comma with black iron post decorating its sides. Red brick homes, each identical to the next, stand on both sides of it the road. Home.

Was the 'twenty-first century' all a bad dream? I push myself up, expecting to hear the satisfying swish of my skirts. Nothing. Glancing down, I see I am still wearing the strange trousers.No...how? I start shaking and silent tears roll down my face and onto the black pavement. What was happening? Taking a deep breath, comma I straighten myself.The only way to get myself out of this mess is to figure out what was going on, comma so that is what I am going to do.

I walked down the familiar street, surprised at the freedom my legs felt. How fast I can run, if I wished to.Then I see her. My mother, still in her fancy green evening dress, pale and crying. I feel a stab of pain. No matter how many times she had betrayed me, she is still my mother. I watch as she walks up to a man in a police officer uniform. You could probably just say 'a police officer' here. Will she notice me?

" A-A man!" she screeches[color=#FF0000], comma[/color] so loud even I can hear her, although I was feet away, " He took my daughter!"

A man took her daughter. That's impossible! I was her one and only daughter and I - well I flew away, I suppose.

"Ma'am?" The officer's voice echoes down the street.

"Mom?" I yell, holding it in no longer," Stop! I'm right here!" I start jogging toward her, but she heeds no mind, "Mother!" I break into a sprint, landing right in front of my mother, "I'm right here."
Her eyes go right through me. I wave my hand in front of her face and she barely blinks. I feel like laying down and sobbing my life away. I belong nowhere-or in no time.

"Just find her!'

My mother was practically sobbing at the officer's feet. I didn't realize she cared that much.

"Don't worry ma'am. We will doo our best."

My mother thanks the man, comma and then turns towards the spot where I stood. She cannot see me, yet I can perfectly see her. I truly wish I couldn't. Because, comma in those perfect eyes, puffed from fake crying, I see a fearful and evil glint them.That's what I get for having a professional actress for a mother. Lies and scandals.

"What am I to do now?" she mused, making sure the officer was gone.

"Go find someone else to go marry your stupid manager," I scream at her.

Mother turns her head in my direction, shrugs, and then walks toward our home.

"That's right!" I yell at her back," Leave! Go! Don't may any mind to me This last part doesn't make any sense., your own daughter!"

With that, comma I collapse to the ground, salty tears running down my face. I close my eyes and just rock back and forth. Why had I wanted to come home? So I could live with that monster again? So I could live in the rumor my mother had started,that I was in a romance with her young manager? So that I could be forced into a marriage with him,and all for my mother's greedy publicity? No. Never again. So now, comma I sit here with fates hard hand stabbing my back. The only world I love and know is here, in the the pitch black darkness. Yet again.

Overall, I think you should revise your work before posting it. It seems your sentences are a little short and choppy, but it's not too bad, just make sure not too have too many periods in there and you'll be fine Also, I can see you might have so trouble with your verb tenses. Be sure to keep all of your verbs in the present tense when you are talking about the present. I see you like switching it back and forth but it's not correct.
Other than that, it's pretty good! It has a lot of potential I like it.
Keep on writing!

Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions as too what I've corrected above, or want me to review more.

-Truth-