z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

The Familiar: Into The Story (Chapter 1)

by Sunrise05


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

 “Lunch is ready!”

As she sat the plates down onto the table, somebody knocks on Skylar door. Her familiar, Paris, watch as Skylar ran to the door.

Right as it was about to get good, the show went to the closing credits. A sigh slip from my lips as I watch the credits. The sneak peeks that post on The Familiar page her opening the door was what lead to the beginning of her adventure.

I rewind the episode and sat there re-watching it when the sound of the front door opening distracted me. Glancing to my side, I saw my older sister, Imani, walking in and closing the door behind her. Looking at her appearance, I could tell she must have had fun at the party she went to last night.

Her hair that she had flat iron before she left was now fritz. One of the straps of her pink bralette was hanging off her dark brown skin. Her black skirt was scrunched up some, and she had her pink heels in her hand. Turning around from the door, she rolled her brown eyes when she caught sight of what I was looking at.

“Are you looking at ‘The Familiar’ again? Don’t you ever get tired of looking at the same episode?” She said, gesturing her heels towards the TV as she sat down beside me on the couch. She placed her heels on top of the coffee table and face my direction.

Rolling my eyes at her comment, I pause the TV to see what she wanted. “What do you need, Imani?” I asked, scrunching my nose as the smell of alcohol hit me. “You smell and I rather not have you next to me.” I scooted over to the corner of the couch so the smell wouldn’t hit me as much.

Imani ignores me, scoot closer and place a hand on my leg. “Cynthia, I need you to start paying the full rent now. I lose my job yesterday and I need to get back on my feet.”

My face scrunches up at that statement. So not only do I have to pay the light bill and water bill but now I have to pay the full rent. Not only has Imani lost her mind, but she might as well replace her name on lease with mines. She must have seen the look on my face because she stood up from the couch.

“You don’t have to say anything right now, but I expect an answer by tomorrow since the rent due in two days.” She said, grabbing her shoes. She walked inside her bedroom and close the door, leaving me in the living room by myself.

Pay the rent in two days? I am about to lose my mind. My whole paycheck for this week won’t be able enough to cover it. I only have enough on my check to cover my usual bills. Plus the overdraft she took on my card when she borrowed money from me last week. I was going to ask her could she pay my half of the rent for this month, but I guess I can’t now.

This means that I would have to sell some of my things to the pun shop and I don’t want to. Just the thought of all that made me too mad to finish my TV show right now. After a moment of doing breathing exercises to calm down. I decide to eat something and finish my show while under my covers.

Getting up from the couch, I went to the hallway closet to grab my pillow and blankets. Tossing them on the couch, I headed into the kitchen to eat something. Glancing up at the clock above the stove, I saw it was 2 in the morning. Usually, I will be asleep until I leave for work at 7 a.m, but I was lucky enough to be off today.

Brushing my braids over my shoulder, I walk towards the refrigerator and check to see what was there to eat. Noticing that most of the good food was already ate, I let out a huff and roll my eyes. I know who the culprit was. Closing the refrigerator, I decide on having the leftover tuna fish sandwich.

As I grab the bread off the table, I heard my sister opening her bedroom door. She came into the kitchen dress in her purple nightgown and her hair covered with a bonnet. “Hey, Cynthia. Eric supposed to be coming over and I need you to let him in, Thank You.” She said before going right back in her room without even waiting for a response. A sigh escapes from lips as I continue to make my tuna fish sandwich.

Finally done with making it, I set it on a paper plate and headed back into the living room. I place my plate down and beginning to make my bed on the couch. As soon as I put my pillow on the couch the right way, somebody begins making a beat on the door. Rolling my eyes with a smile on my face, I went to the door, knowing the only person who would do that would be Eric.

Opening the door, I was met with Eric standing there with his fist raised to continue on making a beat. His head was turned to look at something to his right. His black hair was in it usually braided ponytail and his golden watch was on his wrist. My eyes raise at his choice of outfit that he had on; A business suit with some sneakers. He turned his attention towards me, his dark brown eyes meeting my matching pair.

“Hey, Cynthia? Did I wake you up?” He said, glancing down at my Disney pajamas set. I snort at the question, he was going to wake me up anyway when he and Imani get into one of their daily arguments. “No, you good. Imani waiting for you in her bedroom.” I said, stepping aside so he could come in.

He came inside the apartment and walked straight into Imani room, closing the door behind him. A squealing sound fills the apartment soon after, a sign that I should turn the TV on. Plopping down on the couch, I resume my TV show and eat my sandwich.

I wasn’t even ten minutes back into my show when the sound of Imani and Eric arguing could be heard over the TV. Not wanting to hear that the whole day, I got up to leave somewhere. Grabbing a pair of clothes and towels from the closet. I went inside the bathroom and to take a shower, putting on a shower cap as I got in. I stood in the shower and couldn’t help, but wonder how my life got here.

Most eighteen year old would have been in college, but I decided to drop out after realizing that it wasn’t for me. I stayed with my parents up until my father left my mother for his other family. Although he said I could move in with him, I felt the tension between his family whenever I visit him.

I couldn’t stay with my mother after he left her. She decided that she was going to take her anger out on me by verbal abusing me which left me with Imani. Imani was alright to stay with a first until I realize she changes from the time she moves out of our parents' house.

Noticing my skin was starting to prune, I got out of the shower. I stare in the mirror as I dry myself out, a habit that I had since I was a child. Water drip from my dark skin and my a string of black braids had gotten wet from falling out the shower cap. After drying my body off, I put on some coca lotion only to get distracted by Imani and Eric argument.

“I told you already that I wasn’t out partying! But you were out in the club with another woman!” Imani screamed.

“I can admit it to the club part, but I wasn’t cheating like you was!” Eric screams back.

A chuckle slips from my lip at their argument; both of them cheat on each other so what were they mad about.

Standing up, I put on my large teal sweater and some black leggings. Walking out of the bathroom, I put on some black sandals since I hate having to wear socks. Grabbing my pillows and blankets, I put them right back in the closet and threw my empty plate in the trash. Grabbing my fanny pack and keys, I was almost out the door when I realize I forgot my glasses. As soon I went back in and grab it off the coffee table, I saw Imani bedroom door was opening.

Not wanting to in the middle of their fight, I ran out the door and slam it behind me. A sigh escapes from me, as I walk down the stairs of the apartments. Grabbing my phone out my out of my purse, I check the time only to see that it was 3:10 AM. Checking to see how much money I had, I start walking towards the 24-hour bowling alley close by.

Walking down the street, I couldn’t help but leave my fanny pack unzipped. That way it was easier to grab my pepper spray or taser inside. As I begin to get closer to the bowling alley, I notice a line of people were waiting outside like it was a club. “What the fuck,” I mumble. I have never seen the bowling alley so crowded before in my life.

Walking towards a brunette girl around my age, I ask her why there was such a long line for the bowling alley. “You don’t know?” She said, giggling like a schoolgirl. “Hana Yamada is inside bowling with some other celebrities.”

Ah, Hana Yamada, the most trending singer at the moment to come from Arkansas. Hardly anybody ever makes it famous from Arkansas and returns, so her here was big news. Any other day I would have wanted to see if I could meet her, but right now I only wanted to bowl. “Is this line only to meet her or to bowl?” I asked, shifting my weight to my right leg.

“I don’t know, but I have been here for thirty minutes waiting to bowl.” She said before turning back around.

Pursing my lips together, I turn around and walk back home. Walking here was a waste of my time. I hope Imani and Eric had stopped fighting by the time I made it back home. I took one step when I heard my name been calling from behind me. Turning around I saw two of my friends, Angel and Hannah, standing at the entrance of the bowling alley.

A grin slip on my face as I walk over towards them, making sure to say excuse to everybody I bump into as I try to get to them. Ever since I left for college, I rarely get to see them like I used to. Anytime I want to hang out with them, they always were to busy.

Finally reaching them, the grin on my face widen at their outfits. Somehow like always, we end up wearing matching clothes. Angel had on a white sweater with grey leggings. While Hannah was wearing a red sweater with pink leggings.

“Hey guys, I’m surprised to see y’all here,” I said while brushing a few braids back over my shoulder.

“I was about to go asleep, but Hannah here wanted to go over to the bowling alley for their nachos,” Angel said, gesturing towards Hannah. Hannah, who was running her hand through her blond hair, gave her a glare before turning her gray eyes towards me.

“That is not the whole truth, Cynthia. Angel also wanted to come here and see if that cute boy who work here so she could ask him out.” She said, elbowing Angel in the arm. Angel pouted her red lips, before turning back towards me with a blush on her caramel skin.

Huh? Usually, I was informed about this type of things. They didn’t even mention since we last talked a couple of days ago. Was I getting that distance from my friends?

Her brown eyes widen at something behind before she begins to straighten her clothes. “How do I look?” She sudden ask us, catching the Hannah and I off guard.

“Pretty, Why?” “Decent for somebody who bun coming loose, why though?.” We both said at the same time.

Angel hand immediately snap towards her bun at Hannah comment. Only to give her a glare once she figured out that she was lying.

“Because,” She hissed at us, “Dylan is behind you.”

“Who the fuck is Dylan?” slipped from my mouth before I could stop it, causing Hannah to laugh and Angel to blush more. “Dy-Dy-Dylan is the boy she likes.” Hannah laughs out, kneeling over.

I turn my head around to see what he looks like only for Angel to grab my shoulder and making me face her. “Don’t look over there. He might have heard you say his name.” She whispers towards us, which only made Hannah turn around to check.

“No, Hannah, you better not do it.” She said, but Hannah ignores her.

Hannah turned her head around only for a second before turning back towards, a smirk on her face. “He must have heard because he heading this way.”

We both look behind us to see that he was heading our way. I expected a boy that looks like he could belong on a magazine cover. Not somebody that looks like Angel last boyfriend, Evan.

They had the same brown hair and blue eyes, heck he even looks like the same height as him.

I cocked my head before turning towards Hannah. I mouth to her did she see what I see, only for her to nod her head with a smirk still on her face.

“Hey, Dylan!” Angel said waving her arm and almost hitting me in the face if I didn’t move in time. She walks to meet him halfway leaving me and Hannah at the entranceway.

“So do she got a type or what? I told her that he looks like he could be Evan brother, but she didn’t believe me.”

“Hell, He looks like he could be his clone,” I said, watching as Angel flirt with Dylan. “I thought she said that she was finally over him.” Hannah gave me a snort before patting me on the shoulder.

“Can’t get over him if y’all still talk to each other every day because he misses his friends from home.”

I even had to snort at the comment. I was friends with Evan as well, but he hasn’t called me once since he moved to New York for college.

“Damn, I thought 6 years of hanging out with him would make me his friend, but I guess not.”

“Join the club, he has been mine step-brother for over 10 years and I hear from him because of our parents or Angel. I knew that I didn’t like him for a reason.” She said, sending me into a series of giggles.

I almost forgot that Hannah said that she hated Evan ever since she met him before their parents got married. She said because he gave her bad vibes. But Evan once mentions because he thought at the time with her short hair that she was a boy.

Glancing inside the bowling alley, I sigh once I realize that the line was still long. I grab my phone out of my purse to check the time to see that it was 5 a.m. I left the house 2 hours ago and still haven’t bowl yet.

“Can you tell Angel that I left to go home? I will rather be laying on the couch than to be waiting outside to bowl.” I said to her but got no response back. I look at where she last was only to see her talking to somebody about his shirt that he was wearing.

“Never mind,” I mumble as I walk back home.

Finally arriving back home, I took my keys out, right as the door was open. Imani stood in front of me still in her nightgown and bonnet with a frown on her face.

“Where have you been? I try to call you but you weren’t answering.” She said, moving to the side so I could come in.

Grabbing my phone out of my purse, I saw that I had two missed phone calls from Imani. Once again, I must have forgotten to turn on my sound.

“My bad, I had forgotten to take it off mute as usual,” I said walking to seat on the couch. Imani grabs my shoulder and pulls me back before I could sit on the couch.

“If you are about to watch TV, put it on super low. Eric is sleeping and he is sensitive towards noises.” She said.

“Well, why doesn't he go home then?” I said, the anger I still had at her was building back up. Nobody can hear a TV when it on super low volume unless you have super hearing.

“Because his wife kicked him out again.” She said like it was a normal thing.

“His wife?” I hissed out, my eyes widen at the news.

They have been dating for almost a year now, and I am now hearing the news that he married. I knew that he was cheating, but I thought it was on her not with her.

“Why am I now hearing about this?” I said.

“Because you would have made me break up with him and I like him buying me things.” She said, whispering the last part of the sentence.

Was she still drunk from her partying? Of course, I would have made them break up, nothing good comes out of dating a married man.

“Well does his wife know that he is here?” I asked, eyebrows narrowing at the smirk on her face.

“No, don’t be dumb Cynthia.” She said, walking toward her bedroom. “I’m off to sleep now, Thanks baby sis.”

Pursing my lips together, I turn right back around and went back out the door to calm down.

“Sometimes I just want to...” I mumble, making a choking gesture with my hand.

Walking down the stairs, I sat on the last steps. Moments like that can’t help but make me wonder what I did to deserve my life. I was a decent child growing up, I did OK in school, and I was or at least tried to be nice to everyone. So why was nothing good happening in my life?

After a few moments, I stood up to go back inside when something by my foot caught my attention. It was a glowing green marble that looks like something out of the magical girl manga I read.

Picking it up, I keep it in my hand as I went back inside the house. I set down on the couch and put the TV on low volume, and begin watching The Familiar again.

Five minutes into the show, I move to rub my eyes only for the marble to fall in my lap. I forgot that I was still even carrying it in my hands. Picking it up, I couldn’t help but marvel at its beauty. I never saw a marble before that glows as though it belongs in The Familiar. A chuckle slips from my lips at that thought.

“I wish I was in The Familiar, then I could get the life I always wanted,” I said.

I put the marble back down in lap, and look back at the TV. I met with static and the word ‘Come Closer’. Usually, I would have bounce because I ain’t about to be a character in a scary movie, but I wanted to see what was happening. I walk close to the TV and bend down in front of it. I put both of my hands on the TV screen, only to end up falling forward.

Before I could even comprehend what happened, I notice that I was falling from the sky. My eyes widen and mouth open in a silent scream.

“What the hell? What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?” I finally scream out.

One minute I was touching the crypt TV now I'm falling from the fucking sky. I knew I should have run out of the house and never came back when I had the chance.

My heartbeat skips a beat when I realize the ground with getting closer with each second. I let out one more piercing scream before my eyes roll in the back of my head and everything went black.


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382 Reviews


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Fri Aug 02, 2019 3:53 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hello, Sunrise05. Dreamy here to review.

This was a good introduction to a novel. But before getting into that, let me point out some typos.

The sneak peeks that post on The Familiar page her opening the door was what lead to the beginning of her adventure.


... peaks that was postedon The Familiar page of her...

I rewind the episode and sat there re-watching it when the sound of the front door opening distracted me.


... and sit there

Her hair that she had flat iron before she left was now fritz.


I think you meant "frizzy"

Don’t you ever get tired of looking at the same episode?”


I just thought "watching" instead of "looking" would work better.

Imani ignores me, scoot closer and place a hand on my leg.


scoots closer and places a hand on my leg

She walked inside her bedroom and close the door, leaving me in the living room by myself.


closed the door

Glancing up at the clock above the stove, I saw it was 2 in the morning.


two in the morning. (Spell out lesser number, say, for zero-ten. If the numbers are in thousands and millions, then you can use the numerals)

She came into the kitchen dress in her purple nightgown and her hair covered with a bonnet.


Dressed

A sigh escapes from me, as I walk down the stairs of the apartments


This was something I noticed a lot in the chapter, you say "a sigh escaped my mouth" while I think you can simply write, "I sighed." It's simple and effective. When you say the former, it's like, the sigh was an involuntary action but it's not. The character really is exhausted, no?

so her here was big news.


her being here.

Ah, so I think the reason for these errors are because the narration shifts from past tense and present tense. Some of the paragraphs are in past and the other are in present. Once you have figured out which tense works well for the story, most of the errors could be avoided. Don't worry, I had the same problem and the only and the most effective way to overcome them, is to just write. Write, edit and re-write is basically my mantra.

Now that we have gotten it out of the way, let's talk about the story: I think you have very strong foundation of your characters. I liked how much space and time you give them without it being overbearing or info dumping. Like, how Eric is married and how Cynthia feels like her friends are being distant with her; all of it flowed very nicely. Good work right there.

Though I feel like you could have slowed down when Cynthia finds the marble. I just thought it was rushed a little.

Otherwise, it was a good read. I'm certainly interested to see where the marble leads her.

Keep up the good work! Keep writing!

Cheers!




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Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:39 am
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Well, this is the beginning of an interesting story, I can tell.

It makes me want to know more about the world of the TV show where Cynthia finds herself. Falling through the TV screen is quite unique! The way Cynthia falls through the TV screen and finds herself falling from the sky reminds me how Alice had fallen through the rabbit hole. I'm curious to know what happens to her next!

Cynthia seems to have kinda miserable life. Seriously, her sister is dating some married guy and stays up late arguing with him, her friends seem to have drifted apart from her. I think her life will be turned upside down from now on, after she finds her way into the world of a TV show. I wonder if there's a way to get back to the real world? Just saying. Cynthia's reaction was unusual when she found the strange marble. Wouldn't she be really surprised wondering where it came from?

Ok, so this chapter was fairly good for a beginning, but remember there's always room for some improvement. When I point these out, do keep in mind I don't mean to offend you in any way.

“Pretty, Why?” “Decent for somebody who bun coming loose, why though?.” We both said at the same time.


It'd be better if you'd include dialogue tags here, so we know which character is speaking.

I was about to go asleep, but Hannah here wanted to go over to the bowling alley.


About to go to sleep.

I noticed a number of grammatical errors which can be distracting to the reader. Here are some of them :

As she sat the plates down onto the table, somebody knocks on Skylar door.


I think it's supposed to be Skylar's door?

Her familiar, Paris, watch as Skylar ran to the door.


Watched.

Her hair that she had flat iron before she left was now fritz.


Pretty sure you meant frizzy.

“Are you looking at ‘The Familiar’ again? Don’t you ever get tired of looking at the same episode?”


The word choice here sounds a bit awkward.
You watch a TV show.

He came inside the apartment and walked straight into Imani room, closing the door behind him.


Imani's room. This one comes up multiple times in your writing. I wish you'd fix them.

I took one step when I heard my name been calling from behind me.


I heard my name being called .

My heartbeat skips a beat when I realize the ground with getting closer with each second.


My heart skips a bit.

These are only minor mistakes though, you'll overcome these in no time! So far I'm loving the plot and story idea overall. Hope you post soon!

Have a good day/night and happy writing! :)




Sunrise05 says...


I'm glad that you enjoy the story so far. Thank you for showing me those mistakes, I will be sure to fix them. I am glad that you ask about is there a way back home and her reaction to the marble. That is something that gets brought up soon in the book.

Thank you for reading my story and I hope you have a great day/night!




Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird