Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! Here to leave a review!!

First Impression: Wow this is a lovely place to start things off. Its really capturing the emotions directly and building a ton of mystery around why this woman is doing what she's doing. It's a wonderfully written prologue and I feel like it would very easily grab readers if they chose to read it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Fall was a season of transience. It was a season of fading colors. It was the season of death. Blossoms fell onto the ground in disarray, and a chilly breeze blew by, lifting them to dance in circles. They swirled, fluttered, then fell again.

It was nature’s reminder that death was always a breath away.

No one would want to climb up and risk a fall in this height, but this spot had the perfect view of the ocean.

Today, the ocean was a massive expanse of bitter blue, white and grey. The sea foams rose and fell, and the soft noise they made was like hushed spells one should not, but could not help, listening to.

Her lips fell open to let out a low tune. She imagined the notes tumbling in the air, rising and falling and spiralling skyward, mimicking the movements of the waves. One note struck oddly — she frowned, and tried again —but still couldn’t get it right. It wasn’t that she couldn’t produce the right sound because of her lack of skill in singing, but that she had forgotten how it was supposed to sound.

It couldn’t had been more than a handful of years, and already, her memory was failing her. Humans were forgetful creatures — not that she was human— though it still applied to her sometimes. Deep down, she had always known that it was futile, trying to hold onto the dead and the loss, as though the memory of them could somehow bring them back to her.

Fly, a voice caressed her mind. Fly to me.

Just then, she felt a small tug at her sleeve… it drew her back to the ground. She turned — half expecting to find someone there, but was greeted by air, there was no one. She was alone.

Her memories grew hazy, like someone had fogged the looking glass that was her mind — old faces blended together, important conversations faded into background noise, even the scent of the people changed — and she was left gazing at the crooked, intangible shapes and figures until they, too, were lost to the fog.

When night eventually fell, scattering the remnants of the daylight into the fading horizon, the figure moved to leave.

It was just another year in grief and darkness.

Hello SummerBlues! I'm Shade here to review your work today.

I think that this piece was really well written. It made me feel like I was there with that girl, standing on top of the castle roof, staring out to sea. I could picture the scene in my mind, and not many books have made me do that before. I also love the metaphors you put in, like,

Her memories grew hazy, like someone had fogged the looking glass that was her mind

For a moment, she thought she saw something sparkled in the dull mass of grey and blue.

Her memories grew hazy, like someone had fogged the looking glass that was her mind — old faces blended together, important conversations faded into background noise, even the scent of the people changed — and she was left gazing at the crooked, intangible shapes and figures until they too, was lost to the fog.

Hello Summer, I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing this prologue to your novel today.

Fall was a season of transience. It was a season of fading colors. It was the season of death. Blossoms fell onto the ground in disarray, a chilly breeze blew by, lifting them to dance in circles. They swirled, fluttered, then fell again.

It was nature’s reminder that death was always a breath away.

Even the magnificent Nozash Palace looked dull, the ivory walls looked ashen, the usually gleaming spires of the tower only reflected the gathering clouds above.

Someone was perching on the ledge between the spires, her erected silhouette almost blended in with the long spikes of the palace roof.

No one would want to climb up and risk a fall in this height, but this spot had the perfect view of the ocean.

Today, the ocean was a massive expanse of bitter blue, white and grey. The sea foams rose and fell, the soft noise they made was like hushed spells one should not — but could not help— listening to.

Her memories grew hazy, like someone had fogged the looking glass that was her mind

Humans were forgetful creatures — not that she was human— though it still applied to her sometimes.

Hello, Stormblessed here! 👋

There is so much beautiful imagery in this story! You did a great job of painting pictures with words. With the story you put in just enough detail to keep my attention, but left out enough that it stayed vague and mysterious. It was very well written, and I can't wait for you to start working on the rest of the story.

Hope this helped! ( I would've put in grammar corrections, but StarlitMind covered all the ones I saw.)

Keep writing!
Stormblessed242

Again you've shown that you are capable of such beautiful imagery! This was a lovely read, and the descriptions are wonderful. I can really depict images in my mind. You did another wonderful job!
I'd like to point out some grammar things, if you don't mind!

"Blossoms fell onto the ground in disarray, a chilly breeze blew by, lifting them to dance in circles."
Insert "and" after "disarray,"

"Even the magnificent Nozash Palace looked dull, the ivory walls looked ashen, the usually gleaming spires of the tower only reflected the gathering clouds above."
This is nice! Insert "and" after "ashen," so it becomes a list/series.

"Someone was perching on the ledge between the spires, her erected silhouette almost blended in with the long spikes of the palace roof."
I think this would be more correct if you said "Someone was perched on the ledge between the spires, her erected silhouette almost blending in with the long spikes of the palace roof."

"The sea foams rose and fell, the soft noise they made was like hushed spells one should not — but could not help— listening to."
If you have two sentences, you need to join them with a comma and a conjunction. I would add "and" after "fell," and I would personally also enclose "but could not help" with commas instead of dashes.

"Deep down, she had always known that it was futile — trying to hold onto the dead and the loss, as though the memory of them could somehow bring them back to her."
I think this would work better if you put a comma after "futile" instead of a dash.

"The song was lost, it was only her breath upon the autumn breeze"
Like before, you need a conjunction, or you can put a semicolon, so it would be like "The song was lost; it was only her breath upon the autumn breeze"

Same thing here:
"The gentle whisper of the ocean continued to lure her, it sang a beautiful lullably beckoning her into their consoling embrace."
And I believe you meant "lullaby"

"For a moment, she thought she saw something sparkled in the dull mass of grey and blue."
Change "sparkled" to "sparkle"

"Her grip loosened slightly, her body tilted forward to feel the playful tickle of the wind"
"Tilted" to "tilting" or you can add an "and" after "slightly,"

"Just then, she felt a small tug at her sleeve, it drew her back to the ground."
You can add an "and" after "sleeve" or just write "... sleeve, drawing her back to the ground."

"She turned — half expecting to find someone there — but was greeted by air, there was no one"
I'd put commas around "half expecting to find someone there" and put a dash after "air" instead.

"and she was left gazing at the crooked, intangible shapes and figures until they too, was lost to the fog."
This should be "until they, too, were lost to the fog."

I hope I didn't come across too harsh; I'm just trying to help! <3

You said that the rest of the chapters don't fit too well with the prologue. No worries! If you want, you can sort of treat this prologue as your "thesis," in the sense that when you have your thesis, it most often changes as you do more research and find more information. As you write your chapters, you can always go back to your prologue and adapt it to make it fit more with your chapters!

I hope this review was helpful. You are an amazing writer, are capable of such beautiful imagery, and I can't wait to read your story! <3

I am struggling to find my writing style for this book that I'm working on, I feel like the rest of the chapters (hopefully i get to upload a few of them here too) don't quite fit well with this prologue. It's hard to write a fantasy story in a poetic way. Any feedbacks are welcome, would love to hear more on what you guys think