Mary Jane: Trial by Fire

I liked your story and I am excited to see where it goes. Here is the big long review you most likely were expecting. Your take on the characcters is very interesting and I'm amused by their memories being erased; Mary Jane remembers still. Anyways. Here is it!

1

New York City, It Don't capitlize. had been a while since he had visited. His hunger told him he should have moved faster but he was still recuperating from his last battle with Spiderman. He had hoped he wasn't too late but if there was any truth to the statement, 'True love conquers all,' then time would be no problem. What he was doing was no doubt life threatening but from all he had experienced this could be the the legendary power of love he heard but never seen. This is confusing. Perhaps reword to "What he was doing would most likely prove to be life threatening, no doubt, but from all he had experience, this could be the legendary power of love he had always heard about but never witnessed before. Try that! A fire red haired Perhaps say something like "A red-haired, since fire red haired sounds odd to me. woman with emerald green eyes came out of a hotel on her way to meet old friends, along with her former husband, Peter Parker.
There are a lot of he's in here so perhaps you could substitue it with "the man" or something like that.

"Mary Jane Watson?" The man called in a cold hollow voice before stepping into the light of a dented street lamp.

Mary Jane jumped back in fear Jumped back in fear sounds odd to me. You can just say "jumped in surprise" as she looked at a tall man wearing a purple jacket, black pants connected to brown european boots. Reword to make more sense. His hair was waist long and looked like new black steel."Do I know you?" She asked nervously.

The man smiled mischievously replying, The man smiled mischieviously, replying, Need That Comma! "We had a brief encounter. But I'm afraid we have more important things to discuss then than how we met."

MJ watched the man nervously as he slowly moved closer to her. "Like what?" she asked.

"Like how to get your marriage back." He answered. marriage back COMMA,” he answered.

Too much MJ, use she!” MJ step stepped back with fear COMMA her eyes widening at the statement, "How do you know about that?"

"I'm magic but the real question is how do you know about that? Your memories were suppose to be erased COMMA just like your husbands husband's. Need that apostrophe. . Yet you hold fragments. This is a fragmented sentence. Reword it so it's an actual sentence or attach it to the previous one. You know who Mr. Parker is and you know why your you're [/b] not together. What else do you remember?"

"Just that Peter and I were once married and that he is Spiderman. But I don't know why where we're not together." MJ Use another name. MJ is repeated and it isn't a name. Looks sloppy when used too frequent. replied cautiously.

"You don't know why you are no longer together and yet you haven't confronted him?" The man asked raising an eyebrow.

"I would sound like a whacko. Imagine what he would do if I just up and went, Rephrase. Up and went? Perhaps say, “If I just said,” 'Hey Tiger No capitilzation and you need a comma. I want to tell you I know your Spiderman and we were once married,' He would think I was crazy." MJ snapped.

The man smirked, "I suppose that's true. Although someone like you doesn't seem to shy away from crazy. Your marriage ended with a deal to a demon in order to heal his Aunt from a fatal gun shot. Now I am here to offer you a chance to get that which you lost." Perhaps say get back what you lost.

MJ Mary Jane... was silent for a moment as she looked at the man. She had missed being close to Peter COMMA missed her life and marriage. Taking a deep breath she asked, "What do I have to do?"

A dark smile appeared on the stranger's face before he replied, "You must face a series of tests. All of them life threatening. If you survive COMMA you and your husband will get your memories back."

MJ This one's okay, since it's not directly after the others. shook Perhaps use trembled or shivered. when she heard the details, Use a period instead. "Why me? I mean in case you haven't noticed Peter is the super-hero.

The Man No capitilaztion here. smirked again COMMA replying, "In case you haven't noticed COMMA you still retain some of your memories. Use a semi colon. “you still retain some of your memories; it's you and no one else.” It's you and no one else. If your marriage isn't that important to you I understand COMMA I mean after all COMMA you can barely remember it. So why should it be worth dying for?"

MJ enraged at the statement shouted, Mary Jane COMMA enraged at the statement COMMA shouted COMMA "How dare you make such an accusation! Do you have any idea how it feels when I am around him? To know that we once shared something and yet have it all taken away. I would over no space come any obstacle to get back what I lost. COMMA What I gave up! I would even face the devil himself."

The man smiled mischievously, "Now that is what I wanted to hear. My name is Morlun and I shall be your guide on for this quest."

Back again! You asked for me to point out all the typos, so here goes!

SuicideCrusader wrote:New York City, It had been

SuicideCrusader wrote:moved faster but he wa

SuicideCrusader wrote:love he heard but

I liked this story, and i want to know what's going happen next! i'm not really into spiderman, but my brother is, and he would eat this story up. =p my only advice is to proof read you're stuff before you post, because there were some typo's. Good Luck, keep writing, and pm me if u want details.
-Tori =D