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Young Writers Society



A Beautiful Mess - Chapter Twelve

by Sugarbowl


TWELVE

Daniel looked at himself in the mirror above the sink as he brushed his teeth. He looked tired. His hair was a mess, his eyes were dull, and he needed a shave. He needed to go to bed, get a good night’s sleep, and make himself look presentable in the morning. If he was successful enough, he might even have another go with Kate. He hadn’t left it very long, but he was conscious of the fact that he would look uninterested in their relationship if he left it any longer.

He rinsed his mouth, put his toothbrush in the glass next to the sink and walked across the hall to his bedroom. He heard the lock on the front door click as somebody closed it behind them.

“Dan?” It was Elliot. “Dan, are you still awake?”

Daniel wanted to ignore him and go to bed, but Elliot would be able to see him across the hallway as soon as he stepped away from the front door.

“Thank God,” Elliot said as he spotted Daniel. “I need some help. Fancy a chat?”

Elliot smiled his “How can you say no?” face as he hung up his jacket. Surprisingly, he looked sober.

Daniel sighed noisily. “Can it wait?”

“Not really. It’s pretty important”.

Important? With Elliot, that probably meant he’d run out of hair gel. Whatever it was, it would probably be insignificant by the morning.

“Elliot,” Daniel replied, yawning to emphasise his point. “I’m tired. We’ll talk in the morning”.

“Dan, I-”

“Look, you’ve had all night to talk to me if it was really that important, but instead you decided to go out drinking. So I’m sure you’ll survive for another night.”

“I didn’t go out drinking.”

“So you didn’t have a drink?”

“I had one”.

“So you went out drinking. It’s not that complicated.”

Elliot looked frustrated, but Daniel found it hard to find any sympathy for him while he stood between him and his bed.

“Dan, I went out, and yeah, I had one drink, but I had to go out to get my head round some stuff. Why are you being like this?”

“Because I’m tired, and I need to get some sleep”.

“Fine.” Elliot walked away, his voice sounding strained and irritated as he turned his back. “Sleep well”.

Daniel closed the door behind him and climbed into bed. He closed his eyes and fell asleep within seconds.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel spread a thin layer of peanut butter on his slice of toast before adding a few squirts of tomato ketchup. With both of the girls out of the flat, there was nobody else to tell him off for his unorthodox and less than nutritional eating habits.

He had no lectures on Thursdays, so he planned to go to the library where he was bound to find the rest of the medical students studying for the upcoming exams. That included Kate.

Elliot walked into the kitchen and stood behind Daniel.

“Have you got time for me this morning?”

He sounded annoyed, and Daniel was wary of annoying him even more. Unfortunately, he seemed to have no choice.

“Sorry mate, I’m off to the library. This afternoon, yeah?”

Daniel turned around and Elliot nodded, his eyes scanning the floor tiles. Daniel finished his breakfast and headed for the door. Elliot spoke again as Daniel touched the handle.

“The library?”

“Yeah, the library. That place with books, and computers.”

“And Kate, by any chance?”

Daniel could see where this one was going. He couldn’t be bothered with an argument, but it was one he’d probably have to face someday, so he decided to tell the truth.

“Probably.”

Elliot ran his fingers through his hair, and Daniel could see he was biting his tongue, something he always did when he was trying hard not to say something.

Daniel crossed his arms. “If you’ve got something to say, then say it.”

“Yeah, I’ve got something to say,” he answered. “I can’t believe you’re ditching me for the second time so you can go and see her!”

“Why can’t you just be happy for me? I really like Kate. Live with it.”

“God, Daniel, I knew you were a lot of things, but you’ve never been stupid.”

Daniel took his hand away from the handle. He couldn’t see himself leaving anytime soon.

“Stupid? What’s stupid about any of this?”

“You are! She pulls the lead, and you come yapping along behind her like some lovesick puppy!”

Daniel couldn’t believe he was hearing this, from Elliot of all people. Elliot, until recently, had always had a whole pack of yapping girls following his every move. To hear Elliot condemning the exact same behaviour was at the least bizarre, and at the most, hypocritical.

“Well, Elliot, you know what? I’m going to carry on yapping, because, if you hadn’t noticed, she’s the best chance I’ve ever had”.

“Christ, Daniel! Do you know how desperate you sound?”

“It’s not desperate, it’s realistic! A girl like her doesn’t come my way all that often!”

“If you say so”, Elliot muttered. He left the kitchen and walked into the lounge.

Daniel wasn’t sure whether to follow him. It would be so easy to walk through the front door and hope that Elliot’s mood swing had died down by the time he returned from the library. But he had a feeling that the easy way out wasn’t going to work this time. Elliot clearly had something to say, and he wouldn’t be happy until he’d said it.

He followed Elliot into the lounge and stood in front of the chair where he was sitting.

“What has gotten into you?”

“You mean you don’t know?”

Daniel was getting tired of this. “Stop playing games, Elliot! What have I done?”

“Lets see, shall we?” Elliot was stood up now, moving closer to Daniel with every word. “I saw you had a problem; you were getting messed around, so I sorted out a little help. I-”

“Wait. What help?”

“Zoe? You know, that girl I brought round the other day?”

“You mean you were trying to set us up? You wanted to make me look like a fool!”

“No, Dan, I was trying to make you happy! I was trying to make you both happy!”

“Really? How do you figure that one out?”

“She likes you Daniel! She likes you so much more than Kate ever will, and she’ll treat you better than Kate ever could.”

Daniel couldn’t believe he was hearing this. So this was all about some failed matchmaking from Elliot? Elliot couldn’t handle the fact that, for once, he had been wrong.

By this time, Elliot was uncomfortably close to him. He was taller and broader than Daniel, and for the first time since they’d met, Daniel was slightly intimidated by him. He took a few steps back, putting some distance between Elliot and himself.

“So what’s the problem? Zoe and I didn’t exactly hit it off, but was it really so urgent that you needed to speak to me about it last night, or this morning?”

“That’s not what this is about!”

“Then what is? What’s got you in such a bad mood?”

“You have! I try and help you out with your problem, yet you can’t even be bothered to try and return the favour!”

“I don’t have a problem! I didn’t need your help!”

“Well lucky you!”

Elliot kicked the waste paper bin over, scattering balls of screwed up paper over the laminate wood flooring, before storming away again.

Daniel followed him. By the time he reached the kitchen, Elliot had the front door open, about to leave. Daniel tried to make him stop.

“Fine, I’ll listen”, he explained. “What is it that you need my help with?”

“You couldn’t care less.”

“Come on Elliot, give me a break! I didn’t know how much it meant to you last night.”

Elliot didn’t move. He stayed still in the doorway, one foot outside, the other still inside the flat. He looked to be thinking something over in his head; probably deciding whether or not to reveal his supposed problem to Daniel. In the end, he looked up, finally meeting Daniel’s eyes.

“My Dad’s dead”.

He left the flat, slamming the door behind him, and leaving Daniel on his own to battle with his sudden rush of guilt.


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Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:08 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Gosh, Elliot has finally blurted the news to SOMEONE! I was wondering how long it would take for that guy to spill the beans. And Daniel, will he ever wake up and realize that Kate is just looking for a guy to do everything she bids him to do so she can go on and live the life she wants to. I mean, come on! (as you can see, I have obviously grown attached to your characters :wink: )

Now, I just noticed two things:

His hair was a mess, his eyes were dull, and he needed a shave. He needed to go to bed, get a good night’s sleep, and make himself look presentable in the morning.


You use “noticed” very close together. Try other words like…well, I guess my mind is a complete blank at the moment. I guess that’s what I get for reading people’s work at 10:30 at night…Sorry :?

Elliot was stood up now, moving closer to Daniel with every word.


“Elliot was stood up now”?? Do you mean “Elliot has stood up now”??

Other than those things everything seemed good. I basically did a character review in the first part of my review so I won’t do that again. But I will go over the plot:

Plot

As usual, everything looks good and is flowing well. But I do want you to keep an eye out for keeping all your stories in line. You seem to be doing really well, but I’m worried that as your story progresses that you will loose some of that uniqueness with your characters. I kind of got that feel with this chapter. Elliot lost some of his macho-manly suave thing and Daniel seemed sort of out of touch with himself. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me, but I decided to warn you anyway :wink:

Other than that, keep it up!




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Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:13 am
Boni_Bee wrote a review...



Well I must say that for not having read the other chapters, I really liked this. It was mostly ordinary dialogue, but it kept me interested most of the way, except by the end of the part about Kate and Zoe, my mind was skipping bits. However, it's mature and realistic.

Sugarbowl wrote:“Lets see, shall we?” Elliot was stood up now, moving closer to Daniel with every word.

^that's grammatically incorrect.
I think it should be 'Elliot was standing by now', or 'Elliot got to his feet,'

“My Dad’s dead”.
He left the flat, slamming the door behind him, and leaving Daniel on his own to battle with his sudden rush of guilt.


An amazing if somewhat abrupt ending. I certainly didn't expect that after reading the whole thing about Kate and Zoe! In fact, the part about Zoe seems a little uneccessary. Is Elliot arguing about it to get his mind off his Dad, or is it something they've gone over before?

I don't think 'his sudden rush of guilt' really conveys what he'd be feeling. You know your character and story more than I do, but wouldn't he be confused, with a lot of questions, as well as guilt? What about: "leaving Daniel on his own to battle with his sudden rush of guilt and confusion.'? Just a suggestion.

Anway, well done! I'll have to go back through the other chapters sometime.





Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena