Young Writers Society

Hi SugarApple,
MJ here for a short review on a short piece! It's a good start, but I do have some suggestions for improvements. Without further ado, let's jump right in.
CHARACTERS:
You did a good job overall with characters, especially how you didn't just tell the reader that they loved each other and would forgive each other, but you made sure to demonstrate it through their dialogue and actions. That was great. There was only one question I had- If they were sisters, why didn't Itsuki immediately know that Riku was her sister? Since they knew each other so well, she should have recognized her at sight. That was the only jump. One other question that I'll touch on here but address more in plot: You dropped us right into this scenario without any explanation and any background.
PLOT:
You overall had good flow and a solid movement that didn't make any jumps in the plot, but you did ask us to make several jumps as readers. You dropped us straight in this piece without giving us any backstory or explanation. While sometimes that can work out, but at this level it feels like the middle of a story, which obviously doesn't work as a first chapter.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
Just one quick reminder- Make sure that you're using strong verbs and not using weak verbs and then relying on adverbs to correct them. That wasn't a huge issue here, but I wanted to make sure you knew about that quick rule.
OVERALL FORMAT:
It seemed a little on the short side and also didn't add a whole lot to the story. So far we have a sister who visited her captured sister who apparently revealed a secret under some intense interrogation, and then they took her sister away. That isn't really enough to give us the information we need to feel intrigued enough to keep reading. It lacked any real suspense, and felt too short to give us too much information about the story and the plot.
OVERALL:
A little on the shorter side and didn't give us enough information, but not a terrible start. I would definitely keep expanding on this plot and probably bring in some more characters that could be involved, and some more information would be appreciated. Keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ

The is the first review I have written in a year so I am a bit rusty. Though I will try my best

I just got two reviews on the first chapter of my book in progress 'The Rift' and the reviewers said that starting a story or first chapter with speech is a big no-no. So I changed it around and the start seems to work much better. We don't know anything about the character yet. I would add something like where itsuki had came from. You can keep it if you want. That is just my advice

"I squinted my eyes at the tall brown hair girl...."
I like to take these type of moments too describe the character a bit more. Like whether her hair is short or long. Or whether she has brown eyes or blue eyes. Not to much description, but enough for the reader to picture the girl in their head.

"Signs that she had been tortured..."
I am an older brother and I would want to down right torture anyone that had tortured my sister. Add a little emotion in their. Describe how itsuki feels about that.

"I said, putting my hand on her shoulder."
Their are quite a few instances throughout the story, where this happens. Add an adjective or two in their like
"I responded, while apologetically putting my hand on her shoulder."
Their are even better ways of saying that. Do it your way. I just think adding a few adjectives would help the reader stay even more interested (its an interesting story) than the already are.

Throughout the story a bit more description of itsuki would be helpful to help the reader picture him. I know more about riku then itsuki by the end of this story. Do it your way. Just my opinion.
All that is mostly my opinion. Change it as you feel led.

What I loved about this-

I like how you translate the bits of Japanese duologue, with a response. Also love the mix of English and Japanese duologue.
The setting is captivating and cryptic. The entire story is captivating.
Overall I loved this. Sorry for being a bit harsh while critiquing. Just trying too give you my opinion. Then end is fairly captivating. I can't wait for the next chapter. If you have any question about the review or need another pm me. - Elikia

Hey Raven Black here!

First of this is really interesting! I really want to know what Riku said that caused the two characters to get put into prison and tortured too! I'm also happy to see Japanese names in a story for once! I'm a big anime fan so it was refreshing to see

I liked the fact that you didn't tell us exactly what happened but dropped a few hints and information for the reader, this is a good technique has a writer has you always want your reader hooked and wanting more.

Your description was good and simple, wasn't too much or overbearing that it bored the reader but enough so I could get a sense of what the Riku looked like. Though I feel that you could have added a bit more like how the other character looked, the clothing they both wore, use of more descriptive techniques to boost your imagery.

The use of japanese words in the dialogue is unique but I think its better that you translate it because I didn't know what Riku said in the line: "Ja mata" and others might not also.

The crane? I have no idea who that is. I don't know if I should or this will be revealed later but I was confused at this point.

I think you should have described Riku's state more because you said she was tortured but "There were signs that she probably had been tortured or something", wasn't enough for me to envision what her skin looked like.

Other than that, great story and look forward to the nest part.

Keep Writing!