Published September 4, 2009
I see you
Tossing and turning
Although you're not tired
Eyes watering
Mouth aching
Nose running
Cramps in your stomach
It's 4:30AM
And all you want to know
Is where the goddamn pusher's at?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey there.
You've got some good description in this, and you've created quite a strong image by holding nothing back.
The whole thing is a little short, and even though short and sweet can be a good thing, this poem just doesn't seem to be able to reach its full potential in that format.
Eyes watering, mouth aching, those are signs of a junkie trying to quit heroin. In the end "Where's the goddamn pusher at?" the junkie decides the psychical symptoms are too great and he's going to return to heroin.
Firstly, welcome to YWS!!
OK
Although I don't get this poem,it flows pretty OK.
Just one thing.
Punctuation!
Remember a line break is not a pause, but a comma is.
Think of someone reading it out loud, or try it yourself!
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x