Superior

I am just superior to you,
There’s nothing I can do.
You’re just inferior to me,
As anyone can easily see.Vdery good first stanza, you jump right out telling your opinion, and you sound completely convinced of the truth of your words. It is wonderful. Your rhyming here is perfect, you have a good rhythm, but it could be improved. If you put You are instead of you're, and took out easily, they flow would go better.

I’m superior, I know,
Then tell me why I need you so,
Why without you I can’t breathe,
Why without you I can’t live.Live and breath don't rhyme... And I think in the last line you should take out why.

I am superior when compared,
Yet without you, I feel dead.Compared and dead don't rhyme either.
I only realized when you were gone,I don't like this line, could you find a way to improve it?
When you’re not there, I am all alone.Take out all. Oh, and you lost your rhyme again.

And now, I am full of guilt and shame,
But the only thing left is to cry your name.Love these two lines.
I thought and acted like it was just a game,Take out just.
Now, you’re gone and hurt, and I am to blame.Any reason why all four lines now rhyme instead of just two and two?

I know you’re angry, but I am on my knees,Semicolon would fit better here, or period.
Give me one more chance, please.
Because without you I can’t breathe,
Because without you I can’t live.I think you could find a better last line, rather than just repeating the line before it and changing it to live. Which still does not rhyme with breath. Anyway, I feel like this line was weak compared to the rest of the poem.

Yours, forever.

I like that your poem was full simple words. Most of the stanzas rhyme, except I guess for this. maybe the count of syllables

I am superior when compared,
Yet without you, I feel dead.
I only realized when you were gone,
When you’re not there, I am all alone.

I like this poem. It flowed and rhymed nicely, even if the scheme was slightly flawed. I liked how you portrayed the speaker to being superior to the one they need, because that happens in a lot of relationships. Try, perhaps, giving more depth to each stanza. This poem would make a better complex piece if more depth and vividness were added.

Hi SubjectBlue! I pretty much agree with everything Jas said about the rhyme scheme and the rhythm. When I first read the poem, I thought I was going to hate the narrator. Why are they superior? What a complex! But then, as I continued, I started to be able to understand the author's point of view. I would just like to know why the author thinks they are superior. Crappy review, but that's all I got. Keep writing!

-Abigail

Hi,

I think the rhythm works very nicely here for the most part, and I like how the poem progresses from beginning to end, especially the final line.

I'm not sure you really need the first stanza as it kind of steps on the toes of the second stanza.

I'd keep a tighter aabb rhyme scheme- this works well but you veer off into not rhyming often, and this disrupts the flow of the piece. (e.g "breathe" is twinned with "live".) You could also do this without the aabb rhyme, but I'd either scrap it or thread it consistently through every verse.

The rhythm is bumpy in places, so I'd read this aloud so you can get a better sense of the sound of the piece. E.g "Give me one more chance please" is too short a line to fit the rhythm which has been established earlier.

Hope this helps,

Jas