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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Overall I liked the progression/pacing of the poem. I think the short and simple style suited the message of the despair that unrequited love brings. However, like others have said before because of the fragmented format of the poem it can be a bit difficult to read. Personally I would recommend some further punctuation just to clarify which lines should and should not be read together. Then again this could have been intentional to add to the tone but it sort of detracts from the rest of the poem. As a whole I did enjoy the poem it just needs a bit of fine tuning.
Hey, shiney1 here. I love your poems, so I will review
Well, compared to the other poem I saw, this one is not that up to par. But maybe that is an unfair comparison, because that one was fantastic.
I like this poem's simplicity, format-wise. Short and sweet. But this also backfires a bit. Sometimes the lines are so blunt and and to the point that I have to read it again. That is also becuase they are in fragments, which is perfectly fine for a poem. You just have to be careful and make sure the fragments fit together well and make sense.
This poem does not flow that well. As stated before, the lines are very short and not very descriptive, plus no punctuation is there it help guide the reader through where pauses should be and where they should not.
Another this is, I did not feel anything when I read this. I was thinking I would feel hate or sadness, but none of that came. This poem could use a lot more imagery and it might help to throw in more complex lines.
Your formatting is also not clear. At first I though you were doing a 4 line-scheme that had one or two words in the least stanza, like
But then this stanza did not fit that rule
But that is just one thing I looked at. Maybe you did not have a real rule in mind.
Well, that is it for me.
Keep working on this poem. It has great potential!
So, this was good, but I think you should work on the flow. It felt too broken up, too fragmented. Your stanzas all felt incomplete, like you ended them too soon. Maybe you should add some. Also, I think you could add more emotion. this was good, but by the end I didn't feel angry. I couldn't feel the hate you were describing in your poem. So, I hope this review helped a little bit. I know it isn't very long, sorry. I just don't have too much to say about this. You didn't have any grammar or spelling mistakes, and the theme and detail of the poem sounded good. Just work a bit more on the flow.
This is a very creative poem. I like it ^^.
The part where you started writing about a girl,
made me open my eyes.
I liked that part the best!
Keep in mind to grasp other ideas to make your writing more
interesting.
Like for example, adding the part about love.
It makes the readers question and want to read more.
Keep up the good work!