12+ Violence

S.P.I. Chapter One

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The sky was still dark when she woke up, but not for long. Monroe Quentess followed her morning routine of showering, dressing, brushing (teeth and hair), and finally eating breakfast. By the time she walked out the door, the sun was peeking at her house over the horizon. Today will be a long day, she thought as the door swung shut behind her.

She stood for a while, admiring the view. Did Detroit always look this lonely on Wednesday mornings? The sliver of sun behind her did not affect the sight of the city besides making it yellower. It still had the old forlorn look that its inhabitants feared would always exist in the morning. At night, however, it was spectacular.

She recalled one of her father’s sayings, “You can never have too much good in one spot. Everything has a weakness, everyone has a flaw.” She sighed at the memory. Was he really gone? It seemed just yesterday he had taught her to ride her bike. Maybe those small but wonderful memories were the ones that held back her mother. She sighed once more and began her journey into town.

Besides pausing briefly to peek in a shop window, Monroe never stopped walking until she got to Marco’s Eatery, where she worked as a waitress. Her mother refused to pay for any vehicles, including bikes, so Monroe walked to work everyday. They did have a small Honda, but it broke soon after her father got sick, and her mother didn’t take care of that either. They didn’t have enough money. They’d spent most of the money in their saving accounts on her father’s medicine. When he died Monroe and her sister, Ellie, had to get jobs because their mother laid in bed all day, mourning and complaining.

Ellie was a cashier at a local grocery store. Ellie had a twin, Laken, who also would have worked, but she was really involved in sports and they didn’t want her to give them up. They also had a brother, Wilder, but he wasn’t old enough to get a job. He somehow got money, but they didn’t know how. They were slightly afraid to find out because he was mostly a loner except for these strange men in suits he hung out with. They just hoped he wasn’t caught up in drugs like half the people in Detroit.

The lack of money also prevented Monroe from going to college. She had to work full time to provide for the family, and the only thing that would get her to college was time. As valedictorian of her graduating class, she could receive enough scholarships to get her through ten years of school, but unless her mother suddenly recovered from grief before autumn, there was no way Monroe was going to college.

As she walked into the restaurant, Monroe noticed a rare occurrence- at the corner table sat someone that she had never seen before in her life. Although Detroit is a large city, this part of town wasn’t often visited by strangers. Most of their customers lived in that area. The man had blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and an ideal profile. She was barely on time, so she didn’t marvel long at his presence. She went into the backroom to change. She would usually change at home, but her manager was being overprotective of the uniforms.

She decked herself out in the brightly colored attire worn by all employees. When she walked into the kitchen, she was wearing a sky blue apron and lime green t-shirt and shorts, all with Marco’s Eatery stamped on them. Marco chose them because, as he said, “the flashy colors bring business.” Monroe’s reply was that if people wanted to see those colors they could order the signature slushes and the last time she’d checked, black was the rage. People want something they can relate to, and everyone in Detroit was stressed.

Monroe brought a pineapple slush to the lonely man in the corner, just as another handsome man entered the restaurant. She looked up at him and gasped, almost dropping the slush as she did so. She quickly set the drink down on the table in front of the stranger and turned to the newcomer.

“You said you weren’t getting back until next week,” she declared angrily.

“Change of plans,” he said. He paused for a few seconds, then smiled at her. “It’s good to see you, Monroe.”

“Well, it is not good to see you!” she replied with a small smile. “You should remember, I don’t like surprises.”

She looked at him for a while, until a rough voice broke her trance.

“Monroe,” Marco said, “get back to work.”

“Well, my plans haven’t changed, Theo, so now I will kindly say goodbye,” she said, turning away from him, and walking into the kitchen.

She was in the process of making waffles when Marco told her that she was on waitress duty today because Jackie Wheeler, her coworker had the flu. Jackie was a sixteen year old girl with overprotective parents.

“Your boyfriend wants orange juice,” Marco said.

“He’s still here?” she asked.

“Obviously,” he answered, pointing around the corner.

“Okay then,” Monroe said, taking a deep breath. She opened the refrigerator, grabbed some orange juice, and walked into the dining area before the door closed. She managed to drop the orange juice off at Theo’s table without looking at him, a task that was nearly impossible. His glittering blue eyes were magnetic.

“Hey, Monroe,” he shouted across the restaurant as she cleaned the tables on the other side, “are you going to Ruthie’s party on Friday?”

“Possibly...”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I might sign up for overtime. I need the money.”

“You’re going to blow Ruthie off for extra work?”

“Sounds like a good plan to me!” Marco yelled from the kitchen. “We’re still a little short on staff. Maybe I should hire you, since you’re in here half the time anyways.”

“No thanks,” said Theo distastefully.

“Well maybe I should throw you out for distracting my waitresses!” Marco joked.

“I guess you could… but then you’d lose your best customer.”

“Second best, actually. Mr. Hilton buys lunch for his five daughters here almost everyday.”

“Well, I don’t have any daughters to spoil and I’m not rich, so you’re gonna have to appreciate me for what I give,” said Theo.

“Oh, I do,” replied Marco.

“I don’t,” muttered Monroe, just loud enough for them to hear.

Monroe’s feelings were finally at the bursting point. She’d heard some awful things about her boyfriend and even seen proof of his actions. He cared for her as much as he cared for Betsy Cramer, who he insisted he despised. She might have believed him, had she not seen them making out last week behind the restaurant. She had tried to keep her temper and refrain from breaking off the relationship. After all, he was one of Marco’s most valued customers. But she just couldn’t stand it anymore.

“What?” asked Theo. He was absolutely shocked.

“Don’t be so surprised. You knew I would find out about Betsy someday,” I answered.

“Umm…”

“Can you explain? How many other girls, besides Betsy?” I asked. “Nevermind, I’d rather not know all the sick details.”

He stood up with a confused look on his face and a confused brain in his head. He shook his head. “We’re- we’re breaking up? You’re breaking up with me?”

“Ohh, you do have a brain! It must be pretty small though, right?” Monroe said exasperatedly, “Yes, Theodore Bowen. I am breaking up with you. Glad you caught on so quickly.”

She walked into the kitchen as fast as she could. Marco was confused as well. He didn’t stop gawking at her, even after the door slammed shut behind his second best customer.

“Why don’t you just make more pancakes? I’m sorry, he was your second best customer. you can fire me if you want, but I couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“Oh,” said Marco, finally closing his mouth. He thought for a while before saying, “Monroe, he may be my second best customer, but you are my best employee. I don’t want you to be out of sorts, I want you to be prepared to serve. There will be another Theodore Bowen, hopefully with better morals and standards, to take his place as my best customer. Until then, let’s just get back to work. That man must be ready to order. Why don’t you go ask him?”

Tears were streaming down her face as she walked out the kitchen door. She was the person who broke off the relationship, but it still hurt. Her own heart was broken, somehow more than it had been when she saw Theo with Betsy. But it would be worth it. She could never have been happy with someone she knew wasn’t trustworthy, or worthy in any other way, for that matter.

It didn’t escape her notice that the blonde man was smiling. Her first thought was How dare he? Didn’t he realize what he had just witnessed. Surely none could be that dumb.

“Excuse me, Sir. Are you ready to order?” she said, annoyed.

“Yes, of course. I would like the Egg-Bacon Breakfast,” he said in a slightly deep and intriguing voice.

“Would you like your hash browns boiled or fried?”

“Umm... boiled, please,”

“Ok,” she forced herself to smile as he looked up from his menu. He handed her his menu and she stuffed it into her apron pocket along with the order forms. “It will be ready in a few minutes.”

The eggs and bacon had already been cooked by Marco, so all she had to do was boil the potatoes and onions. When she placed the plate on his table and told him the meal would cost $7.49, the blonde haired man just nodded acceptance and continued to look at her with interest. It’s like he’s never seen a single woman before. Goodness! Has anyone ever taught him that staring is impolite? These were only a few thoughts that passed through her head at that moment, but she had already run off one of Marco’s customers that day, so she only said a few words.

“Are you ready to pay?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said as if he’d forgotten what he was there for. He pulled out his wallet and put two things into her hand. “Keep the change,” he said. Then he stood and walked out of the restaurant.

She looked down, into her hand. There was a ten dollar-bill and a small, blank business card. She turned it over and read the few words that were scrawled across the back.

Join S.P.I.

Underneath the handwritten note was a typed URL, http://www.SPIder.com. She assumed they had added the d-e-r to make it look like a normal website. But what was S.P.I.? It couldn’t be normal could it?

A stranger had just come into the restaurant to leave her a nearly blank business card, a ten dollar bill, and an uneaten Egg-Bacon Breakfast. What was the meaning of it? He definitely should have explained himself, like a gentleman.

The ring of a bell caught her attention and jerked her from her trance. She looked up from the clean table and the full platter and into the face of her best friend, Kathy, and her boyfriend. She was slightly embarrassed at being caught off guard, standing idle in the middle of a restaurant when she should have been working. Thank goodness it was two of her best friends and not a few judgemental neighborhood folks that would give Marco grief about his “best” waitress. She’d done enough damage for one day.

Kathryn Duncan was tall, tan, and blonde. She was nineteen years old, a senior in high school. She and Monroe had become instant friends back in freshman year, when Kathy’s family moved to Detroit from Los Angeles. Her mother had scored a few side roles in several small productions, but good work became scarce and they had to move to Michigan for a paying theater job. Her mother was a single parent. As was usually the case with best friends, Kathy and Monroe told eachother everything.

Kathy’s boyfriend, Chester Franks, was just as handsome as she was beautiful, but in a different way. He had dark skin, dark hair, and dark eyes, due to the Cherokee blood that ran through his veins. His mother was a pure-blood Cherokee, but his father was only half Cherokee. Therefore, Chester was three-fourths Cherokee. He and his parents had moved from their home in Oklahoma six years earlier for his father’s job, just two years before Kathy’s wonderful family got there.

Monroe and Chester were like brother and sister. He worried about her personal affairs, teased her, and was overprotective. She did the same, in her own girl way, as well as bossing him around a little. But not today. Today she didn’t have strength enough for that.

“Hey, Mona!” exclaimed Kathy from somewhere behind her. She began gathering the platter and silverware from the table and muttered a weak ‘hello’ as she entered the kitchen. She stopped at the counter where Chester and Kathy were settling on barstools.

“Will you guys eat this Breakfast? A man just came into the restaurant, ordered, paid, and left. It’s already paid for, so…” she said softly without looking up from the counter.

“What’s wrong?” asked Chester.

She just raised her eyebrows and picked up the platter, walking wearily to the trash can under its load.

“Okay, I’ll eat it!” said Chester in surprise. He waited for her to place the food in front of him before repeating his question.

“I’m fine, really. Nothing is wrong. You don’t tell me your secrets, I don’t tell you mine,” she said angrily.

“Oh, really? It’s a secret? Then why are you being so obvious?” he asked jokingly.

“Umm, Chester. If it’s so obvious, why are you being so oblivious? Leave her alone! Take the hint,” said Kathryn, exasperated at the fury of one friend and the nosiness of another. “And you, stop being mad. You won’t tell us what the matter is, so we don’t understand how you’re feeling. Are you mad at us?”

“No,” Monroe sighed, still looking down, “I don’t know who I’m mad at. Probably Theo.”

“Oh. Teddy Bear called it off finally, or did you see him with Annastacia?” asked Chester.

“Neither,” she said thoughtfully. “Umm… who else?”

“Tiffany, Kristen, Maria, Carly, Melissa, Louann, both of the twins, that girl from Kansas last summer, and… I think that’s it. Oh, wait! Betsey too, huh?” He said looking at Kathryn. Monroe’s small frown at the last name did not escape her notice

“Yep. You saw him with Betsey didn’t you?” she answered.

Monroe gaped at them. One and a half years of commitment to her relationship with Theo, and she got absolutely none in return. He’d played her like a saxophone, but she was only one of many notes. Betsey was the only one she’d seen, but there had been ten others. Last week was the first time in their relationship she’d ever seen him unfaithful. Was she blind or something? Did she need relationship glasses?

“Well… someone is in need of therapy,” said Monroe, trying not to cry.

“Yeah, I mean, he should know to be a gentleman, shouldn’t he?” asked Kathy, distastefully.

“You mean like me?” Chester asked, with a proud expression.

“Of course!” said Kathy, flirtatiously.

“Ugh! Can you guys stop for one minute? Goodness!” said Monroe. She rubbed her face to keep herself from crying. Their endless romantics had seemed cute to her in the past, but at the moment they were just annoying.

Chester started eating noisily after a quick glance at the wall. “Thank you, Monroe! I forgot, I have to be at the college soon for orientation.”

The girls looked at the clock. It was 9:30 already. He finished his meal, stood up, gave Kathy a kiss on the cheek, then ran out the door. Monroe noticed Kathy touch her cheek in shock. They looked at each other.

“It’s about time!” Marco yelled from across the room. “That boy has superpowers or something. No other guy in the world would keep his hands off of any girl for even a week. You guys have been dating like, three years now? He’s barely kissed you on the cheek!”

“I told you, Marco, he’s just careful. Remember what happened with his mom and dad?”

“Okay,” Marco put his hands up in surrender, “I just wouldn’t have the willpower.”

Kathy turned away from Marco and rolled her eyes, then she looked interestedly at Monroe. “So, are you-”

She was suddenly interrupted by a quick profusion of loud footfalls and the ring of the doorbell. In ran Ellie, Monroe’s sister. She began talking immediately.

“Monroe!Wilderhasadatetotheprom,buthesaidhecouldn’ttelluswhoitwas,andIsawhimwithSasha,buthestillwon’ttellmeifit’sherornot! Make him tell me!” she yelled just as their brother, Wilder walked into the restaurant.

“Whoa! Slow down, cowgirl,” said Monroe, slightly annoyed.

“I told you I do not have a date to prom! Sasha is going with Brad,” said Wilder, genuinely annoyed.

“Wait,” Monroe said in disgust, “It’s the middle of summer, prom is still ten months away, and you already know who is going with who?”

“Of course. I’m going with Logan, obviously,” said Ellie. Then she added through gritted teeth, “and Wilder is going with Sasha.”

“I’m not even going! Look, if I go, I owe you twenty dollars. How about that?” said Wilder in exasperation.

“You forget, I have a job. Twenty is nothing to me,” she said with suspicion.

“And you forget I don’t have a job. Twenty dollars is half of my life! You should be grateful I’m giving you anything,” he said dramatically.

“Fine then. If you go to prom you have to pay me twenty dollars, which I know I’m going to get because you are going with Sasha,” Ellie said triumphantly, running out of Marco’s Eatery.

“Well…” said Monroe.

Marco was in awe. “That is the most I’ve ever heard you say, man,” he said as Wilder took a seat next to Kathy.

“Trust me, that is the most anyone has heard him say,” Kathy said, jokingly.

“Whatever! You've heard me say more,” he said in her direction. Even though she couldn’t see his face she knew he was blushing.

“Family doesn’t count, and I’m close enough to family,” she said.

“Hey, sis! You should get me a smoothie.” Wilder said as he pulled a few dollar bills from his pocket. “Orange Lime Sorbet.”

As soon as he had his smoothie, Wilder walked out the door. “Adios!”

Kathy grabbed a piece of bacon Chester had left for her. “As I was saying before the stampede arrived,” she said looking up from the counter, “are you going to Ruthie’s party?”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Dulcet
Review
Dulcet wrote a review · Sun May 28, 2017 3:03 am

Hey there SubSubLibrarian, I'm here to give a review for this joyous Review Day. I saw Chapter 2 in the Green Room and thought I'd review Chapter 1 first, so let's get straight into it! :D

So as the previous reviewers have said, the story starts out with no real conflict - however, I personally can forgive that since you're establishing the setting and characters, and sometimes slow moments, like the beginning you have here, are necessary. Do note, however, that by the end of the second or third paragraph, a good lot of readers may have lost interest by then. The beginning certainly does start to drag a bit just before the dialogue starts, simply because it's all telling and no showing.

Rather than being given a short biography at the very beginning of the book, I'd like to be shown bits and pieces of it throughout the story, or perhaps - if it needs to be in one piece - much later when I grow to care for the main character enough. Knowing the character's backstory from the start is certainly one way to get the reader to care about them, but there's no point if the reader gets bored and stops reading the book because of an info dump.

Related to the telling problem, I find that you use a lot of adverbs to describe your dialogue. Also a lot of "said", "asked", "replied" - the mundane dialogue tags, in other words. It'd be nice if you could mix in some actions and facial expressions - show us their emotions and how they're talking.

Other than that, "Are you going to Ruthie's party?" seems like a strange place to end the chapter, I think. Just something to note.

I admit I only skimmed through the second half of this chapter, so I may have missed some things - I apologise if that is the case. Like I said, the beginning does drag on for a bit, not because of its content, but because info dumps tend to be tedious to read through. Monroe's backstory is pretty interesting by itself, and I'd love to see it delivered and explored in the best way possible rather than thrown out in the beginning.

Lastly, a tip: this chapter is around 3000 words, which is a pretty long work. Anything longer than 2000 words tends to scare away reviewers, so if you want more and better feedback, you can break up your chapters into separate works (Chapter 1 Part 1, Chapter 1 Part 2 etc.). Reviewers can then zone in on specific parts and give more feedback that way.

Annddd that's it from me! Please ask some questions if I wasn't clear enough in this review, and feel free to debate with me if you feel I'm just plain wrong. I'm always up for discussions! :D

Good luck, and thank you for the good read! I'll have a review in for Chapter 2 by the end of Review Day, probably. :)

Thanks for the review! I'm going to try and edit it this week since my school year just ended on Friday. I haven't had much time for editing with finals and everything. I get what people are saying about the backstory and I'm going to try to fix that. Just keep in mind that Monroe's whole backstory cannot be contained within three or four paragraphs there is more coming, steadily. I hope you'll keep reading and that you'll enjoy the next chapter. Things speed up considerably.

Hi, J here for a review.
I have to say I liked this story part of the time and hated it the other part. You start out with no conflict, no showing, and no balance to your writing. I found myself losing interest. Then all the sudden we are getting the worst, most tragic backstory in the history of writing.
You're backstories need to connect with the character, and this one just didn't. And not starting the backstory until paragraph three then continuing till number 4 was not effective in keeping me invested, and entertained in the story.
This was a good story you just need to figure out a style to get your readers more interested and invested in your characters.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hello.

Once I hit the part about her father/past, I found myself losing interest instead of gaining it. For the first two paragraphs, we have no real conflict, no real sense of voice, and suddenly we're getting tragic backstory with no reason to care.

Tragic backstory needs a connection with the character to be effective, and introducing it in paragraph three, continuing in paragraph four to really twist the knife, isn't exactly effective because I don't have any reason to invest myself in the story.

You have to think of tragic backstories as a commitment readers make, instead of an interest-generating thing. People don't normally stick around for high commitment tragic backstories unless they're otherwise interested. It can be morbid curiosity of how a person got to where they are, what lengths they'll go to fix their situation, or it can be surprise that somebody who looks one way has such a past.

So ask yourself: why is your character interesting outside of her tragic backstory? Once you have an answer to that, put the answer to why the character is interesting before introducing the backstory. Until then, you'll not give us a reason to care enough to keep reading.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Thank you so much Rosey! Your comment is very helpful. It makes sense, now that I think about it. I'll try to make it more interesting.

Amazing job, as always. Love the characters, love the style, love everything. Your writing makes me jealous.



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara