Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Behind the ominous doorway,
a rustic gate creaks shut. A
pungent, iron-clad odor
mingles with the frigid autumn air.
The crimson-splattered walls of the
asylum offer none at all, as
the specters of patients and nurses
alike roam the halls.
Silky flesh smears
across the floorboards,
unfurling like a grand red carpet.
Ringing through the stale air,
the head doctor pleads for
his near,
dear l i f e .
A crackle.
A splatter.
Then silence.
Ehud hath struck his last king.
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
I must admit, whoa o-o. This was an awesome piece of poetry, depicting Halloween! Even though you very little imagery, I can still imagine the whole killing and thought of Ehud, just sends shivers down my spine. This poem, also seems to be a fast paced one, like a brakeless train. Most face paced poems seem to just splatter words onto a page hoping for it to make sense to the reader, however, yours seems to leave me in the suspense. Nicely done.
In the beginning, you set the stage, with suspense and sudden worriness for the narrator. With the whole array of imagery, you leave the reader wanting more.
However, when re-reading it outloud, I can feel the beat and the tone of the poem. There is just one thing:
As the previous reviewer said, it doesn't seem to make sense or doesn't come across as important. The spacing of life just made it seem confusing and hard to read-- what I suggest it just putting in italics, however, that is completely up to you.
Overall, this was a nicely done poem that definitely gave me shivers. I hope to read more of your work, later on.
If you like me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
OK. So this was interesting. And because it was interesting, I think I am going to go ahead and leave my two cents in a review for you.
Love the first stanza. It took me a minute of wondering "why is the gate behind the doorway" to realize that means the narrator is inside the door and the gate outside just closed, effectively trapping them inside. Very subtle, very creepy. I like it. I would change the second line though, moving the "A" to the start of the third. It is kind of distracting just hanging out there by itself, and although I knew how to read it and understand it, it just didn't seem necessary. Let me know if there is some sort of hidden reasoning behind it though. I tend to miss obvious stuff.
The start of the second stanza confused me. None of what at all? You never said what the wall of the asylum were supposed to offer that they didn't so I'm left not feeling anything and confused by that bit.
Just for the sake of keeping the ominous tone and creepy voice, you might omit "alike" in the fourth line. Just a thought.
Ooh, gruesome. Me likey.
"Near, dearlife" confused me a bit. How can a life be near?
You might say what it is exactly that makes the doctor a king. I get that Ehud killed the doctor, or even the ghost of the doctor, but why? Also, why the use of "hath" suddenly? It doesn't really work with the more modern tone of the rest of the poem.
Overall, I interpreted this two ways: one was that Ehud comes and kills the doctor as a ghost, years after his crimes or sins or whatever drew Ehud to him. The other is that the ghostliness, haunting happened BECAUSE of the event with Ehud.
This was quite interesting, and very disgustingly gorily awesome and disturbing; perfect for this time of year.
Message me with any questions you might have or comments on things that I completely did not get and you'd like to enlighten me. I don't pretend to be an expert on poetry, so there is lots I'm sure I missed.
Keep it up!
~Q
Hey, Questio! First of all, thank you so much for writing a review
It really means a lot. I don't have any hidden meanings for the "A" in the first stanza, I just liked how it looked there. As for the bit about the asylum, the word "asylum" means both "a place to house insane people" and "a state of calm." I meant it as a subtle play on words, hahaha. Oh, and when something is "near and dear" to an individual, that item is precious and coveted. I simply meant that the head doctor values his life very much. Again, thanks so much for the constructive criticism! I will think about your advised changes and act accordingly 
I forgot to add this into my initial comment, but "Ehud killing a king" is a reference to a Biblical tale of Ehud killing a king on God's orders in the Book of Judges.
Thanks for the clarifications!